Emotional Tenor And The Importance Of Instincts

When it's important, listen to your body

This will probably be a short post, but it came to mind while listening to a story about a family annihilator. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, a family annihilator is someone that kills their entire family. There are a number of famous cases, the John List case likely being the one that comes to my mind most often, but it is unfortunately not a one-off situation.

While listening to this video, there is a discussion about the wife in this circumstance deciding that she was done with her husband’s abuse, so she sent him divorce papers. His response was surprisingly calm, and told her to be out of the house before he got home from work, but to leave their five children behind. Being a good mother, she did not do this. She, and her children, went to her mother’s house that weekend. He repeatedly showed up at the door making appeals to her to come with him for a drive so they could talk, but her instincts told her that if she went with him, something terrible would happen to her.

Now, I haven’t listened to the rest of the story, but we know what happens, as the story is about a family annihilator. He will kill everyone, and in this particular case, that will include himself, which isn’t always the case. The John List example above did not have this aspect. The woman who was doing the video, Stephanie Harlowe, has also been in abusive relationships, and she echoed the sentiment that this woman had about being asked to go somewhere with an abuser when they had split up, and despite them sounding kind and calm, her instincts screamed at her to not go. She believes she is alive because of those instincts, and encourages other people to listen to their own.

She is probably correct, that she would not be here had she ignored what her instincts told her, but it got me thinking, what exactly is happening in those circumstances. Is it a spiritual thing? Is it a guardian deity that is protecting that person in that moment? Maybe sometimes, but I think that there is likely something else happening as well.

People ask me frequently, how do I emulate different emotions believably when they are emotions that I cannot feel myself? This is easy for me and it is the same reason that psychopaths excel at emotional manipulation even better than neurotypicals. And no, it’s not because we’re soulless animals that feed on your life energy, or any other nonsense. It’s because we have been watching you all manipulate one another for our entire lives. I know what it looks like when someone really needs help with something, and when they are spreading the manipulation on as thick as molasses. There is a definite difference, and weirdly, a lot of you are deaf to that difference.

We’re not. Real emotions have a tenor to them. It can be mimicked, and can be emulated, but you have to first even know to look for it. Once you do, the real juxtaposed against the fake is like watching an Academy Award-winning movie actor crying versus one on a cheap teen drama show throwing a tantrum. They aren’t even in the same ballpark. I know what the real deal sounds like, and what’s more, I can fake the real deal with such accuracy that I can trigger an emotional response when I am not even trying to make it sound real.

Neurotypicals are so used to emotional noise that, while they can pick up on the really bad manipulation, but often times still let it play their emotions because guilt is a powerful motivator, they aren’t discerning enough to be able to pick out a bad actor (both in tenor and intention) when they come calling. I can. You might as well be selling your crappy two-dollar product that has no actual value to the CEOs on Shark Tank when you try that crap with me. Not so much with NTs. It is the same thing that makes us so good at emotional emulation. Emotions have a right and a wrong tone.

Now, as I said, oftentimes neurotypicals are not able to discern the difference. The internal emotional triggers get pulled, and they feel a certain response is necessary, even when the other person is lying to them.

However.

When you know someone very well, like a relationship that you have had for a long period of time, you know that person’s tenor better than you might someone that is a mere acquaintance. Also, when this relationship is an abusive one it is more likely that you are going to be hyper-attuned to the changes in their emotional tenor. It is said that when a person suffers abuse their amygdala enlarges making the person able to be hyper-aware of changes in their abuser’s emotional state. It is a built-in warning system for this exact purpose. Granted, I am only familiar with this idea in regard to abused children, but adult brains have the ability to mold to situations as well.

I believe that when these situations come about, what is actually happening is, while the abuser sounds calm, presents calmness, and says all the right things to be convincing, the internal warning system is picking up on the disingenuous emotional tenor. The person knows what they sound like when they are being kind, when their words are genuine, and they are truly calm. They are hearing the words, but the underlying motivation doesn’t match, which gives them the alert that they are in danger.

It is unfortunate that more people cannot do this in a normal state, without having to have a life-or-death situation in front of them. It is more unfortunate that when it is a life or death situation, that many people ignore the danger or their instincts telling them not to go, overriding it with the false sense of security that this person, beneath all of their penchants for abuse and violence, loves them, and therefore will never hurt them. They make the mistake of going along, and adding to the statistic of the high-risk murder after leaving an abusive relationship. You are most at risk right as the relationship ends, and in the proceeding six months after. A lot of people go for that drive, or they allow the abuser over so they can “talk things over”, and that is the last time they draw breath.

Keep in mind, I do not ascribe male or female to the abused or the abuser. This very same thing has played out with a female abuser and a male victim. The method for manipulating the partner might differ, a female might use the notion of sex for instance, but the result is the same. Assume that an abuser is well-skilled at getting people to do what they want. In other words, male or female, they know their victim’s currency and will use it to their advantage.

If you find yourself in this situation, listen to your instincts telling you, there is something off here. Something is amiss, and I am in danger. It may seem silly, or they may do their level best to make you feel like you’re crazy, they wouldn’t hurt you. After all, they’re here owning up to their mistakes, telling you that they are in the wrong, and that if you guys can just talk, you can work it out, or, at the very least, the abuser can apologize to you properly. Even if your instincts don’t tell you not to go, do not go. They aren’t sorry, and they don’t want to apologize. They don’t think that they are wrong, and they want you to suffer for having the audacity to leave them. It is just an extension of the need for control, and you going may be the last choice you ever make.