Principles or Tribalism?

Do you truly believe what you think that you do?

Have you ever met a person that you give a piece of advice to that they think is really good advice until they find out that someone that they don’t like said it? Or, they will ask what someone thinks about something, but when that person tells them what they think they immediately do the opposite because they don’t want to feel like they are being told what to do?

I knew someone for a very long time that it didn’t matter what my suggestion was, they would always do the opposite. Why? Because, and follow this thinking with me, when they did the opposite, things turned out exactly like I surmised they would, so they at every turn were determined to prove me wrong.

“Let me make my own mistakes!”

“Fine, but would you mind learning from them while you’re at it? This neverending cycle is tedious.”

No matter how good the advice was, so long as it came from me, it would be disregarded to that person’s peril. Every. Single. Time. Now, mind you, this person had profoundly bad judgment. I could write chapters about the things that they were in constant need of being rescued from, but that aspect is a bit beside the point. The point is that people will reject good information if it is coming from a source that they do not like. This is especially true when the information comes from a group or school of thought that they specifically do not like. They dislike it so much that they will switch their values just to spite those they disagree with.

I hate to break it to people that have this habit. That is not a principle, that is tribalism. Tribalism isn’t all bad. it is how humans managed to survive as long as we have. We should respect it for what it is. It is a primal instinct that kept groups of our ancestors from dying. Safety in numbers, all that lovely stuff. Everyone had a role, and everyone was expected to participate. This works very well in small numbers, and it is how we are wired to survive. Well, most of us anyway.

When confronted with an outside group they could mean inherent danger to the tribe. They were treated with suspicion and sometimes, or often, outright hostility. Again, this is normal, and how humans got to where we are. However, this is a system that provided us with the group dynamics to survive when we were living in small numbers. Humans have changed their living dynamics, but tribalism is so hardwired, it has simply evolved into applying to society in different ways.

I have written about Robert Hare in the past. I know, total non sequitur, but here we are. I think he has done a tremendous amount of damage to the understanding of psychopathy, and I also think he did so for selfish motives. He has an ego that was bruised, and he like money. This is pretty standard operating behavior for a lot of humans, however, so it doesn’t surprise me. What I don’t experience is abject hatred for the man. I can criticize his methods, his beliefs, his attitude, and the damage that he’s done, but I don’t actually know the man. I don't wish for his demise, and I don’t want him to be silenced.

What does this have to do with tribalism? There have been tribalists on both sides of the Hare issue. Some people want him to be arrested for hate speech, while others are unwilling to question the sainthood that they have placed upon his shoulders. This is very strange to me. Why deify or demonize the man? When I see what he has stated being misrepresented, I have no problem giving him his due credit. If he does something, like criticize the misuse of the PCL-R and be annoyed that people use it when they have no training to do so, I will give him a nod.

When he decides that a concierge that he has never met is a psychopath for not allowing a stranger to use his phone without permission, I will point that out as being directly against his previous claims that you can’t spot psychopaths out in public. They have to be properly evaluated.

My ability to assess whether I agree or disagree with a person about something does not come from whether I like them or every single thing that they do. I disagree with Dutton about things too, but I still think he is doing good work in psychopathy. I am not tribalistically going to treat Dutton like he can do no wrong just because I think he has done good work in the past, and I am not going to outright dismiss every single thought coming out of Hare’s head because I think he has done a very poor job with psychopathy.

When you think that you have a value or a principle but it can change at the drop of a hat because your tribe has decided to shift their position, you never held it as a value, because you didn’t examine it and decide what you think independently from your group. I am sure at least some of you will recognize this scenario. It seems to be more common with women than men, but all the same, let’s see.

Someone that your group is friendly with has a sudden falling out with said group, and everyone turns on them. Everyone is expected to follow suit because whatever that person did was terrible and awful. I have seen this with divorces quite often. Divorce sucks as it is from what I can tell, but the “who wins the friends in the divorce” seems pretty tribalistic to me. Those friends might be aware of some of the issues between the couple, but chances are they only know the surface problems. The one that they are siding with probably had a lot more to do with the failing of the marriage than they want to admit, but that doesn’t matter once the sides are cemented. That former spouse, that former friend, they’re out in the cold.

If you are friends with someone, or if you think a certain way about a subject, but find yourself easily swayed by an emotional event that moves you to the wildly opposite opinion of that friend or that belief, you might want to take a moment and think about that. Another example that I can think of that might make you think is the death penalty. A lot of people are very tribal on this issue and they are either for it, or against it, but often couldn’t really explain why if they had to. Or, perhaps they could give you a surface explanation.

Person: “I’m against the death penalty because killing a person is wrong.”

Same person after their child is murdered: “Fry him.”

That is not a principled position to be against the death penalty. It changed because the person is emotionally invested in vengeance. They aren’t thinking about it past wanting that murderer to pay. I understand that this is very reasonable for many neurotypicals to understand, but here’s the thing you might be missing.

If you can be swayed away from your values and principles for an emotional reason, anyone can manufacture one and manipulate you with it. That isn’t a good, nor powerful position to be in. You are leaving yourself open to people with nefarious intent by not understanding why you think or believe what you do.

I wonder if any of you have ever had this experience. One of your friends tells you that another person from your friend group did something awful. No one is talking to them anymore, they’re frozen out completely. You are angry at that person, and refuse to even consider talking to them, but years later you found out that the first person lied to you, and made everything up. You turned your back on someone that thought of you as their friend because you were emotionally manipulated to do so. You have now created a rift between you and that former friend that likely will never be mended, and you have kept a lying manipulator next to you all this time.

People manipulate your emotions because it works. It works very very well, and it is extremely easy to do. It might be hard to step back and consider what you are being told, and what you really think outside of those chemicals churning around, but if you have taken the time outside of that emotional moment to have already considered and arrived at your position about something, then through those emotions you have a touchstone. Perhaps that value is a hard-earned one, such as, I will never turn my back on a friend without trying to learn exactly what happened. I don’t want to lose another one, that was devastating.

I imagine that it is easier to arrive at firm boundaries when you see what will happen when someone violates them, but you can take their teeth out if you consider what you think is appropriate action before anyone sidles up to you with a really awful story about someone that they want to excise from the tribe.

Take some time and think about why you hold dear the things that you do regardless of what they are. If you can come to an answer that isn’t so easily swayed, you will have a much better chance of keeping yourself grounded, and being principled instead of tribalistic.