Self-Interest

It is more important that people think...

We are going to cover another point in the Psychopath Manifesto today. This particular point is a massive difference between how neurotypicals think and interact versus how psychopaths do. This one has to do with self-interest.

Psychopaths are inherently self-interested. What that translates to is whatever circumstances arise, we are always looking to see how they may benefit us. There are rarely exceptions to this. Actually, I would guess that there are never exceptions to this. Rather there are circumstances in that we understand that our self-interested goals are best kept to ourselves.

My focus is going to be on what I want first and foremost. Of course, I understand that isn’t always how the world is going to work, but I can usually work things to at least get some of what I want regardless. Psychopaths are said to be low in agreeableness. I would say that this is true, but it isn’t because we like to argue, we simply want what we want when we want it. It also means that unless there is something in it for us, we are unlikely to agree to do something that has no interest to us.

If someone asks me to go somewhere or do something that I don’t care about, I tell them no. It doesn’t occur to me that this might hurt their feelings, and even if it did cross my mind that they might be upset by my refusal, I don’t care. That’s a ‘them’ problem, not a ‘me’ problem. If it doesn’t benefit me, I’m not interested.

Neurotypicals, on the other hand, have a habit of agreeing to things that they do not want to do because they want to avoid the discomfort that might come from those hurt feelings. Kevin Dutton addressed this in his Psychopath Manifesto:

“And the third one is, just be a little bit more self-interested. There’s nothing wrong with putting yourself first. How many times has someone asked you to do something, you looked in the diary, and it’s clear, and you said yes, and it’s two or three months hence? Only, for when it comes round to the point where you’ve got to do it, it’s always the wrong time?

Oh my God, why did I agree to do that?

Well, here’s a way of stopping that happening and putting more fun in your diary. Next time someone asks you to do something in two or three months’ time, stop and think. Would I drop what I am doing tomorrow in order to do that? Is it interesting enough for me? Is it beneficial enough for me? Are they paying me enough for it?

Because in two or three months’ time, it will be tomorrow and you’re going to have to face exactly the same problem.”

I don’t have a concept of whatever pressure people must feel that makes them agree to things that they don’t want to do. It makes no sense to me. Unless there is a reason that is unavoidable, I am not going to be doing this. An unavoidable reason could be something like a funeral. You really can’t skip the funeral of someone that is family or considered a close friend without there being fallout over the matter. It is a necessary requirement to attend, regardless of my preference on the matter.

What I find very interesting is that neurotypicals would rather do something that they do not want to do in order to not deal with discomfort with another person, but they will deal with their own discomfort that comes from having to do something that they do not want to do. If you are going to be uncomfortable, it stands to reason that you would prefer to be uncomfortable momentarily if the long-run outcome is preferrable to you. It always strikes me as very odd that a lot of people seem to prefer making themselves unhappy before they will want to be the cause of disappointment in someone else.

Just because someone else finds something fun and they want you to go along for the ride does not mean that you should have to bother with entertaining them. They can find someone else to go and do whatever. If they get mad, oh well, it sucks to be them I guess.

The psychopathic worldview when someone wants me to go to something that I don’t give a dinkus damn about?

“Nuts to you, I want to game that night.”

“Oh come on, pleeeaaaase?

“Ahhh that’s a hard pass. Lump off.”

“You’re mean!”

“Are you seriously just figuring that out? That is a slow cross of the finish line, let me tell you.”

Then they can go sulk in the corner for all I care.

But Athena, if I keep saying no, then no one will ask me to do anything. All right, do you want to do things? If you do, and you want other people to do those things with, then you ask them to come. Let them be the uncomfortable one that would rather do something that they hate rather than tell you no. If you do that though, you might have to compromise and go to their stupid insect dinner, so heads up there.

However, there is another aspect to the Dutton advice that I think a lot of people overlook. Have you ever heard the phrase,

“You cannot give away what you do not have to begin with?”

It’s a simple statement, but it is a rather profound thing to ponder if you take a moment to do so. If you are constantly doing for others and ignoring your own self-interest you are placing yourself into emotional poverty. Once you get there, and people have learned that they can expect you to jump when they want you to, you will have no chance of replenishing that energy.

If you do decide that you have to take care of yourself, you are likely going to arrive at a difficult conclusion. The people that surround you are going to resent your decision because they like the fact that you do for them, and never really cared that it takes everything from you to do so. They will get annoyed that you have the nerve to want to be there for yourself.

This is also a common problem with parents. They put everything into their kids that they forget who they are. They stop being individuals and become moms and dads. Of course, this leads to resentment and exhaustion, but it also removes your childrens’ ability to see you as a person and a parent. It is a strong life lesson for kids to know who their parent is, and if all they know about them is that they are a parent, but that’s where it stops, they aren’t going to see you as a place to gain perspective on the world through.

Be self-interested. Not all the time. That would be silly, but likely more often than you are currently. If you don’t want to do something, deal with the unpleasantness at the moment instead of agreeing and either having to cancel or worse, go to something that is less desireable than a one man show about existentialism and cheese.

Have an opinion about what to eat for dinner, what movie to watch, what you do this weekend. Stop worrying about disappointing people. Trust me, they will get over you not wanting to go to their dinner party with a focus on the insects of the world. Hell, I don’t think even they want to go to their dinner party. Maybe they are just a misery loves company kind of person, or maybe they are just trying to find themselves through torturing their friends. Either way, you can go ahead and skip it.

Get comfortable with saying no, and get comfortable with people trying to cajole you into a yes, and shutting them down with prejudice. You have a limited time on this planet. How much of it do you want to spend listening to your friend’s kid bang out Mary Had A Little Lamb on an out of tune piano at a recital of five year olds?

That’s what I thought.