Being close to a psychopath comes with attributes. Some good attributes, some… a bit less so, it appears. I have noticed throughout my life that people tend to adjust themselves to me, as I adjust myself to them, however, recently I came to understand that there is a difference in these adjustments from a psychopathic standpoint, to a neurotypical one.
Psychopaths have a very self-focused way of being. Considering others is a foreign concept to us, but we can make it a priority to accommodate people if they are interesting enough to us. As relationships progress, and they get to know me more mask off, I am more myself around them, less masked. They, in turn, are often more themselves as well.
I have learned many things from people around me. I have watched what it means to be considerate. I have learned what it is to understand people’s motivations and behaviors through cognitive empathy. I have learned how to, sometimes, think of what someone else might want. All of these things came from my time around those that are in my life, and through those lessons I have adjusted how I behave. Granted, none of it comes naturally to me, but there isn’t some big emotional adjustment I am making. I am behaving differently, as different behavior is what the relationships may call for.
As much as I learn from them, they learn from me as well. Oftentimes, these are great lessons. Learning to not care what people think, becoming more keenly aware of when they are being manipulated in a toxic way, speaking their minds, and being able to be themselves without having to fear judgment. I think all of those things can have very positive changes for them, but it has come to my attention that this is not always the case.
This is not the issue that I am going to discuss, this is the setup to that issue, but in this case, context matters. I have mentioned in the past that I am dreadful at contacting people. If we are friends or family, if you want to keep in contact with me, it would behoove you to contact me when you want to speak to me. The chances that I am going to reach out to you is pretty much nil. It might happen, but placing a bet on it is almost definitely going to not go well for you.
If I don’t hear from you, that’s fine. I won’t think that you’re mad at me, I won’t think I’m being given the silent treatment. If I don’t hear from you, I’m all good with that. It’s my standard wiring. Also, if someone never contacts me again, that’s fine too. I won’t be offended, I won’t psycho dial them, demanding an answer, I’ll just shrug, and be fine with it. I don’t have the emotional investment that most people do. We had fun, and now I’m doing other stuff.
So, back to the reason for this post. It came to be that someone quite close to me was having issues with a family member never reaching out, and never returning calls. This person is just tremendously bad when it comes to such things, and this upset my friend a great deal. They were ready to just ghost this family member. I cautioned them against this course of action. I could see resemblances to my own way of being, and pointed this out, and the response was, “Maybe you’re where I got it from.”
Now, if that were the case, and this situation was being processed through someone that thinks like me, that would be fine, but that isn’t the case, nor did I think that it was. I thought that it was very unlikely that this friend was able to have that lack of emotional investment in the relationship, and with a bit of questioning, the emotions came out. After some conversation, this friend understood that it was important to them to maintain this relationship, and to adjust their expectations when it came to this particular family member.
Listen, I understand that there are aspects of psychopathy that can be very attractive to people that have emotions around them all the time. I do think that there is a lot to be said to learn how to quiet those emotions and be able to think rationally. I think that many people can learn to be more bold, I think that they can learn to fail fast and recover, getting to progression instead of being stagnant in defeat. However, there is a limit to what will work for a neurotypical versus what works for someone like me. If a relationship ends for me, I’m okay with it, but that isn’t an appearance thing. I am actually okay with it. Neurotypicals? This does not tend to be the case.
It’s interesting. I emulate behavior all the time. It doesn’t mean anything to me, and it doesn’t change me. It certainly doesn’t harm me. Emulating me, on the other hand, as I mentioned above can be beneficial, but not if it means ignoring what makes you, you. This friend was causing themselves emotional harm. They were behaving as though this family member’s behavior didn’t bother them, but it did, and it did so deeply.
Neurotypicals form bonds. They have different relationships than I am capable. That isn’t something that can just be waved away when they aren’t providing the person with the emotional feedback that they are in need of. If the relationship needs to end, that comes with certain things. It comes with questions, sadness, anger, bittersweet memories, and I am sure many other things. You can’t behave away these things. Those emotions are still there, and will have to be dealt with, regardless of the person’s preference in the matter.
Psychopathy, or emulating psychopathy, cannot be a shortcut for avoiding that pain. You still have to go on that journey. Psychopathy comes with muted emotions. That’s just how it is. The negative emotions are pretty much absent, and my positive ones are pretty quiet. This is normal for me. It is not an emotional life that neurotypicals can really understand, and often would like to have for themselves, but pretty much universally this idea comes about when they are in the throes of something negative in their lives.
I have yet to meet the person that had something joyous happen in their lives and wish that they were more like me to temper that happiness. But when it comes to the negative emotions, that is where there is the ardent wish to share my experience in the world.
Guess what NTs? For the good, you have to take the bad. As much as you would give up that sadness, or pain, would you give up bonding with your children, falling head over heels in love, feeling that emotional connection with your friends? Probably not. You can’t have one without the other. As much as you would like to not feel that pain, that is the other side of the euphoria.
Behavior adjustments for a neurotypical apparently comes with many emotional aspects that I will never understand, and trying to be more like me is a much more complex thing for you than me behaving like you is for me. Those emotions can’t just be shoved under the bed when they become inconvenient, and telling yourself otherwise will never make it so.
Emotions are simply a part of who you are. They may present problems, they may be annoying, but that is just how it is. I wonder how many people that did actually get to experience what psychopathy is like would go running back almost immediately. I imagine that it would make your lives far less interesting to see the world as I do.
Granted, I think that there are a lot of emotions and behaviors that are worthless. Adult human beings throwing temper tantrums comes to mind. However, while you would be giving up those pesky frustrations and internal need to explode on someone, you would also be giving up on the feeling that washes over you when you see the one you love, or hear your children’s laughter.
I also wonder, how much of the emotional life of neurotypicals is self-created? What is the standard that you guys come into the world, versus how much is it reinforced through your life from parents, from your environment, your friends, siblings, etc.? I wonder this mostly because of emotionally dysregulated people that we all see in the world, and by that I mean, not people that have disorders, but more people that are entitled douche canoes. I can’t help but think that much of that is a self-made mess. Maybe I’m wrong. I don’t know.
There are aspects of psychopathy that can have value to neurotypicals. That’s why Kevin Dutton wrote, The Psychopath Manifesto. However, there is a reason why he stopped after the traits he listed. He did not list, ignore your emotions and they will go away. That’s not usually how it works, at least, not when it comes to important ones. It’s one thing to ignore any emotions when your boss is being an ass to you. It is quite another to ignore the death of a loved one, or something like a divorce.
If you want to have more power over your emotions, that I get, More power to you. They are an excellent tool, but they are a bad master. Instead of avoiding and ignoring things that hurt or cause anger, it is better to be able to work through those emotions quickly, learn what you can from them, utilize those lessons, and then see how to address whatever situation in your life that is causing you pain. There are aspects of being like me, that are toxic to neurotypicals. I would prefer people be the best version of themselves they can be. That will benefit the world far more than anything else.
I appreciate the clarity and introspection in your post. It’s rare to see such a lucid account of psychopathy from someone who embodies it, and I find it valuable to hear this perspective articulated so openly. Your self-awareness and ability to analyze the differences between psychopathic and neurotypical cognition make for a thought-provoking read. That said, I would like to offer a response from the perspective of someone who is neurotypical—more than that, someone who experiences emotions intensely, who feels deeply connected to others, and who, in many ways, operates from an intuitive sense of empathy rather than a cognitive one. You describe the process of neurotypicals adjusting to you, while you adjust to them, but with a fundamental difference: for you, this adaptation is behavioral, detached from any deep emotional recalibration. I find it intriguing how you frame your ability to learn consideration, to model certain social behaviors, and yet remain essentially unaffected by them. From my vantage point, this highlights a crucial distinction: neurotypicals do not merely adopt behaviors; we absorb and internalize experiences in a way that reshapes who we are. Our emotional bonds and connections are not just social contracts or patterns we follow—they are, in a very real sense, an extension of our being. Your post suggests that some neurotypicals might envy the psychopathic way of processing (or, rather, not processing) emotions, particularly in times of pain. This is likely true—who wouldn’t want to bypass suffering? But this framing, in my view, oversimplifies the role of emotion in neurotypical life. It is not merely a matter of cost-benefit, where we accept pain in order to receive joy. Rather, the depth of our emotional experiences is what gives life its meaning. The highs and lows are not two separate phenomena that must be weighed against each other; they are part of the same fabric. You emphasize that neurotypicals cannot simply "behave away" their emotions. I completely agree. But I would take it further: emotions are not just obstacles to be managed or endured. They are not static, unchanging entities that control us unless we find a way to override them. They are dynamic, fluid, and deeply interconnected with our sense of identity, our relationships, and even our perception of time and reality. To try to eliminate them—or to view them as merely "problems"—would be to lose something essential, something that makes the world vibrant, meaningful, and profound. You mention that neurotypicals who try to emulate psychopathy might cause themselves emotional harm, and I think this is a key insight. But I wonder—do you see the reverse happening as well? That is, do you think prolonged proximity to deeply emotional individuals ever shapes or shifts you in ways you do not expect? Even if the change is not emotional in nature, does immersion in a world so governed by feeling ever leave its imprint on you? You write that you have learned behaviors from others, but have you ever encountered something that, despite yourself, actually moved you? Lastly, your curiosity about how much of neurotypical emotional life is innate versus shaped by environment is a fascinating one. I think you’re right to suspect that there is a great deal of social reinforcement involved, but I would argue that at the core, there is something irreducible—something that is not merely trained into us, but intrinsic to the way we experience existence. Perhaps this is what ultimately separates our modes of being: for you, emotions are an external phenomenon, something to observe, navigate, or ignore; for neurotypicals, they are not just a part of life, but the very lens through which life is lived. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts.
Athena,
Thank you for your explorations/posts. I have, as a rebooting NT, been exploring the actual usefulness of emotion (if any), and reading your posts, Kevin Dutton, Zen philosophy etc., has been very helpful.
So you can know my perspective if interested: (for brevity I will use bullet points)
Issues with Emotion:
External focus of identity/fulfillment vs internal focus of same
Knee jerk response vs aware and selective listening
Addiction vs conscious attachment and disconnection
Value/liability of automatic neurotransmitter response vs rational self selected efficacy
My opinion: Most NT’s are unconscious devotees/addicts of the “Church of Emotion and Herd”, with all the attending erratic faith based/junkie justifications for conflicting/hypocritical values, choices, judgements, actions, results, etc.
Learning about neurotransmitters and variations in response to same has led me to see emotions from a more rational, big picture POV. For most of my life I have fought a huge battle between a strong internal focus and traumatically conditioned obedience to the Church of Emotion and Herd. My natural perspectives, choices and actions were always in conflict with what I was being taught to be, and I had to learn the ability to self squash to “get along”. I was always most effective in crisis, sports, hobbies, skills, etc being myself, but was most socially compatible being “Churchy”. I bounced back and forth with much drama. At some point a choice of sides was required. I gave up the Church.
From my experience, NT’s can learn to mute response to emotion, and in time, emotions can fade from “lack of use”. For me personally, the more faded they became, the more clear, content and effective my life became. That includes both negative and positive emotions, which have become for me, just two sides of the same addiction. Glorifying positive emotions is like saying the “high of heroin” makes all the rest of that lifestyle worth it. You, as a psychopath, have an inherent lack of response, and that genetic possibility makes me wonder if there is a spectrum of genetic neurotransmitter response from overwhelming to non existent, with all the ensuing behavior choices. While not psychopathically without response, I wonder if I am inherently low on the response scale, which when I was young, led to choices and actions that others found highly disturbing, which led to the ferocity of their attempts to re-educate/redirect me. I grew up with two “life tracks”if you will, forever hopping from one to the other. Just FYI, my conflicts rarely involved the law, but were more about the way I did things vs the way others did things.
As an NT, my struggle was “which is right: the Church or me?”, with all the pinball bouncing between self condemnation and self affirmation. As a psychopath, I believe your struggle was not “which is right”, but “what do I have to do to effectively co exist with all of them?”. While I am not free of emotional noise, this is essentially where I am now and reading your posts has helped me see the challenges of that choice more clearly.
The interesting question for me now is “Is there actually any value to emotion at all? Is it actually just a liability? In my experience, nothing corrupts perception of reality like emotion, whether positive or negative. I use it mostly as a source of humor now. Which leads me to the question: is psychopath humor different too?
No response necessary, I just wanted to say thank you and provide some context for my appreciation. I am however, curious about the answer to that last question…