Understanding that Suffering

Often comes from your own decisions...

All right, we need to talk about making your own lives miserable by the decisions you make, because recently I have seen a lot of people make decisions that they suffer for, but they can’t seem to put the pieces together. It needs to be discussed, because frankly, it’s incredible how often this occurs. Now, I will preface this with the acknowledgment that suffering can come to those who did nothing to encourage it. I am not dismissing that, nor am I discounting it. I get it—bad things happen randomly. The only thing you can do when it comes to haunt your doorstep is roll with it and find the best way out. What resources can you call upon? What connections? What information? When problems come, the best thing to do is create a plan. You commit to the plan (provided it’s not stupid, but we’ll get into that later) and do as much as you can, then put it down at the end of the day. The next day, you work the problem. You do this until it no longer matters or you have solved it. It may not apply to every situation, but it will apply to many of them. Use the tools you have and move forward.

Now, let’s talk about bad decisions and suffering. Do you have any idea how often it is a person’s own choices that put them in bad situations? I’ve talked about this before. You can’t complain that you’re sitting next to a serial killer when you stuck your thumb out for a stranger to shop you like a ribeye in the meat department. Are you responsible for your own murder? A little bit, yeah, you are. The killer has his part—that’s the murdery bit—but you have your part: the thumb in the air, advertising yourself as alone and vulnerable to a stranger who has no obligation to treat you like the special little flower you believe yourself to be. However, the hitchhiking serial killer is not what we’re discussing today. Today, we’re talking about the “why me” phenomenon. This is something I’ve dealt with in neurotypicals and others for literally my whole life. This incredible inability to see that “why me” came about because “me” made bad decisions and is now shocked that those decisions have come home to roost. I get the emotional aspect of dealing with problems, and I understand that people want to make choices that feel good, but for the love of all that’s holy, there has to be some level of insight that gives a person pause.

So often, I see people chase their limbic happiness, only to not find the rainbow they so clearly thought was waiting for them. They make choices about jobs, finances, dating, even children, that felt good in the moment, but then, when everything plays out, they’re woebegone about the outcome, and I’m like… why, though? How are you surprised? You chose this, and now you’re acting like you can’t believe it didn’t work out.

I’m going to give you an example of this from my perspective, and it involves emotional manipulation. Emotional manipulation is a highly effective tool that can quickly garner the outcome you want. Do you want someone specific to do something for you? Catch their romantic attention, and watch them dance on a string. It’s not difficult, and as I said, it works. You would think this would be the go-to tool of a psychopath, but I’m here to tell you, no, thank you. I use greed, which is a form of emotional manipulation. It can have unexpected outcomes, like what we’ll be talking about, but usually, it remains mostly transactional if used properly. You aren’t seeking them as a bestie; you’re seeking them as more or less a business partner. It’s tit-for-tat. You get them what they want, and they’re inclined to get you what you want. This is an emotional trade-off for that individual to some extent, but the emotion is attached to what they want. So long as it isn’t you they want, they tend to leave happy.

So, why would I not use emotional manipulation? It’s the fallout, of course. Neurotypicals use emotional manipulation all the time. They flatter each other, have relationships they don’t actually want, and befriend people who are good social allies to have, even if they find them annoying. They do this because they are socially wired people. There’s no way around it. You have no idea how often I hear from people who have friend circles yet feel utterly alone, and that’s because the decisions they’ve made regarding their friendships are for effect, not actual companionship. They aren’t themselves, and with each interaction, they lay more of who they are on the altar of social acceptance and protection. Then they’re shocked that they’re alone in the world, and no one is there when they actually need them. That’s one example.

How about the example of relationships between romantic partners that they handle poorly? How often have you heard this story? There’s a person attracted to another person. They want that conquest and are more focused on the outcome than the tactics they’re using. They flatter, they cajole, they pretend to be interested in them as a person, not a sexual object they wish to obtain. They get what they want and then are absolutely stymied by the fact that the other person won’t simply go away. It happens all the time, and this is a perfect example of why this is a bad strategy. They didn’t consider the end of the line. They didn’t play out the scenario to its close, and now they’re stuck with someone psycho-texting them seventeen pages without paragraph breaks or punctuation about how they’re soulmates and to please just come back to them.

What about the person who keeps selecting bad mates? They always seem to go for the wrong person, they know this about themselves, and the relationships end up being abusive or neglectful. Maybe the partner is violent, maybe they cheat, maybe the mate resembles a parent they have unresolved issues with. However, instead of recognizing that they are a huge part of this pattern, or at the very least, finding someone who can help them understand that they’re poorly adjusted in terms of romantic interest, they just keep convincing themselves that this one is different. Each time they make the decision to get into another relationship, it’s another shock to their system that nothing has changed, and it astounds me.

People say that psychopaths have no ability to predict the consequences of their behavior, and I find this notion laughable. We certainly can. Now, granted, we may need to, as I said above, play the scenario out to the end and see if the outcome is desirable or worth the trouble, but for the most part, it’s quite easy to know where something will lead us in terms of behavior. Psychopathy is a lot like completing an electric circuit. We find the path of least resistance and take it. Therein lies the part that requires thinking: “least resistance.” Resistance is not only about what I can do to get this thing I want but also whether the fallout is worth my time and effort. Emotional manipulation, such as getting a person to want to be my friend so they’ll be generous with what I’m interested in, or worse, making them romantically interested in me—not worth it at all. The consequences far outweigh the positive scope of attainment.

Really, it matters little if I have my shiny prize and also a new leech who wants to do everything with me, go everywhere with me, and occupy all my free time. If I chose that route and that was my outcome, that’s a problem I created for myself. Neurotypicals, however, often seem unable to see past their emotions in the moment to the long-term, but extremely obvious, consequence train heading their way, and once it hits:

Pretty much every single time. It’s amazing to me.

Now, people can learn, and that’s what I’m hoping to remind you of with this post. You can change how you interact with the world and thereby head off a great deal of suffering for yourself. I have an example of someone who had gotten themselves so far into their own bad decisions that they were ready to just hand in their notice to life. They were beyond any ability to see a different way, so they messaged me. This is not an individual I know, and this was literally the second message I received from them; the first was a rather benign introduction about a month prior.

I’ve suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. I’m an alcoholic as well. I do tons of stupid shit when I’m under the influence, but I never harm other people, even when I’m drunk. I do things like losing money, cell phones (7 in the last two years, one was an expensive Samsung), wallets/IDs, etc., to preying cab/auto-rickshaws or tuk-tuks if you’re in the Philippines (look it up), being unusually and unnecessarily generous with them, like buying them food/drinks/smokes apart from my fare. And in return, I get my wallet/ID/cards/cash stolen, and I’ve done the morning/afternoon walk of shame back to my apartment (I haven’t been in a place I could call home since I was 16). Too many to list here. But I hope you get the idea. I’m very “hardcore” when it comes to self-destruction. I just DO NOT GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE. I made a lot of money in the US when I was there for 18 years. I have 2 houses and some 8 lands saved up, all in my parents’ name. My parents are the dearest but won’t give me a cent of my money because they think I’ll drink it away and lose it all. I’m drunk now. I feel like I’m going to be dead soon. I’m smoking “beedi” (look it up on Google) as I don’t have enough cash to buy cigarettes (Marlboro Red). I have like $1000 (roughly Rs. 6000 Indian) in my account, which is enough to buy me 14 “Full” or 750 ml bottles of whiskey. But I cannot manage to go out of my room for shame. I’m such a disaster. I haven’t showered or shaved for 5 days. I reek of body odor. I’m just a mess. My biggest problem now is, how do I get back to work knowing that my colleagues (well, the entire office, perhaps) know about my situation? I’m dying of shame. Given all this, in a span of some 20 years, is there any possibility for change? Or should I just resign myself to death and just do it?

My response?

I can’t change you; only you can. What I can tell you is this:

Your shame serves nothing. Leave it behind.

The judgment of others is pointless to concern yourself with. Ignore them.

You haven’t showered? Go shower.

You’re drinking too much? Stop it.

You’re smoking something bad for you? Stop it.

You haven’t shaved? Do so.

Do you need help to change these things? You have the internet. Google where to get it. Go get it.

You are wrapped in the mire of emotions. I don’t care about those at all. You list fixable problems; fix them. What you dread to do the most, do next.

And, wonders never cease, they changed—completely. They couldn’t see an outcome different from what they were already doing, they were ready to give up, and then they messaged a stranger, got a blunt answer, and changed their lives entirely. It can be done, but getting caught in the “why me” phase can stop a person cold. You can’t get caught in that nonsense. You have to see things as a problem and work that problem to the end. You have all these bad habits, poor decisions, and awful outcomes, and you can complain about those things your entire life and never get one step closer to fixing the problem. It might feel cathartic to bemoan where you’re at, but complaining is not a catalyst for change. Deciding to do differently is.

Psychopaths lack the emotional attachment to our decisions, and we lack shame. When we f*ck up, we know it was us, and while sometimes it’s beneficial to blame someone else to avoid inconvenient fallout, it doesn’t change that fact. If a change is needed, a change is made. It’s that simple. There is no “woe is me, how could this happen?” It happened because I decided that X was more important to me than Z, and Z came with some baggage. I deal with it and then do something else in the future. Psychopaths also don’t kick ourselves for deciding to do whatever it is we did. We did it, it’s over, oh well. I can’t imagine this notion of kicking myself until I’m a shivering, miserable shadow of a human who can’t see a way out of the mess I created. Messes can be cleaned up; that’s their nature. They are an aberration, not the norm. You clean up the glass you dropped, just as you clean up the damage you do to your life by following your wants over your logic.

Asking the world, “Why me? Why am I suffering so?” is unproductive. What is productive is asking, “Did I have a hand in this? If so, how? What are the steps to fix it? How can I take those steps? How do I put it down when there’s nothing more to be done for the day, and where do I find the strength to pick it up tomorrow?” Make it a task, make it a project, make it your life’s work—make it anything other than complaining and self-pity, because that will eat away your soul, leaving you a Swiss cheese of repetitive behavior and toxic self-consolation without any hope of doing better.

Oh, and the follow-up messages from that person who was on the brink? The first came over a year later, and it read:

Hello Athena!I’m not sure if you remember me. I’ve followed most of your answers and PM’ed you about some of my personal problems a few months back. You were kind enough to give me direct, non-judgmental advice.I just wanted you to know that I’m doing much better now than before. I’ve taken up a new job, and it has been going well so far, mostly due to a change of environment and some positive thinking, but largely due to the former. I don’t believe I’m out of the danger zone yet, but I’m far more conscious of my actions that can have good and bad consequences for me. I hope it gets even better. I’ll give you more details soon.

And another a few years after the first:

It has been a long time since I felt such an uplift in life. But your detailed, to-the-point, and non-judgmental message a few years back was what got me started. It was a bit difficult for me to implement at first, but it has been of immense help over the years. I’ve read it at least 25 or more times since then.I cannot thank you enough.

Work the problem. There is somewhere else you can be that isn’t a repeat of yesterday’s problems.