Cognitive Empathy

A never ending learning curve...

How many times have you guys heard me speak about the importance of cognitive empathy and how it plays into human interaction? So many times that you thought about skipping this post, right?

Well, this one isn’t so much about cognitive empathy and its necessary place in our lives, but it is also about how assumptions can take the place of it, and misinform us about how someone else might be feeling.

Psychopaths tend to be excellent at cognitive empathy, but this is not something that comes easily. It is a hard-fought battle with the world at large, because we are attempting to understand it through the eyes of people that we cannot relate to. It is learning about others, and then taking that information and trying to apply it in a way that makes sense, not only to us, but to those around us.

However…

Sometimes our own assumptions get in the way. This is a post about exactly that, and how it is possible that even with really well-honed cognitive empathy, you may not read a situation correctly.

I have mentioned in the past that I suck at calling people. So much so, that I have gotten to the point that I do not see it changing any time soon and therefore I don’t bother trying to change it any longer. With many people, this really isn’t too much an issue. Not so much because other people don’t want me to call them, but rather because if they are so inclined that it’s a deal breaker for them, then I don’t have them in my life. If they want to be around me, cool. If not, fine.

This has worked for me. Does it work for others? It must for those that are in my life because they are still around. These people, however, also happen to know that I am psychopathic, and they know what to expect from me. It isn’t a surprise to them that I won’t reach out to them because I don’t hide it. I am very upfront. Like it or lump it, that’s the option.

What about someone that doesn't know that I am psychopathic? How do I deal with them? For the most part, I don’t. I figure that if they want to be around me so very much that they can tolerate my total lack of commitment to communication, then so be it. That doesn’t always work though, because some people are not optional, but they also have no idea that I am psychopathic. With these people, my family, for instance, I tend to tool my behavior around what I think their preferences are, but sometimes I read those preferences incorrectly.

When I was younger I was very independent. I did not need other people around me, I didn’t spend a bunch of time talking to my friends on the phone, and didn’t seek people out to be around. This included my family. It seemed to be fine. From my perspective, it was. No one seemed bothered by my aloofness, and I wasn’t bothered that they weren’t bothered. I was like this my entire young adult life.

Because they never said differently, I never assumed that there was any other possible way to interpret that feedback.

Everything’s good, right?

Nope, I was wrong, but I wouldn’t know that until way later.

It wasn’t until years later that I was informed that this was extremely difficult for my parents. Apparently, it was emotionally difficult for them, and they felt that I kept them on the outside. That wasn’t my intention, of course, I just did what was natural for me. I read the situation wrong, I applied my own understanding to them, and I never understood that my understanding and assumptions were way off the mark.

You would think, “All right, Athena, so you learned that they felt differently, so you changed how you thought about your interactions with them, right?”

You would be incorrect. I did not. I didn’t apply the retroactive lesson from now, which I should have learned then, and see how it might affect other things. Go figure, that means I missed more stuff. This brings me back to calling people, namely, my parents.

I, again, incorrectly surmised that they were fine with our level of contact. After all, they know where to find me should they need me, and vice versa.

If it ain’t broke… and all that.

It never occurred to me that I should hear what was said about my past behavior and apply it to my current behavior, to get an accurate read of the situation. We both suck at calling each other, but we are equally responsible for sucking, so no problem.

Nope. Wrong again.

During one of my rare chats with my mother, she mentioned that she wished I would stay in better contact. This has been mentioned to me before, and usually, it ends with us agreeing that we both need to try harder. Mind you, there is no negativity between myself and my family. We get along great, and when we talk, the chats are always enjoyable. It isn’t like there is a reason to avoid them, I just suck at initiating contact. As I mentioned, this is not a ‘them’ specific thing, it’s an ‘everyone’ specific thing.

Of course, my response was similar to all the ones previous, saying something like, “Yes, we need to try harder…” to which my Mom said that she was always the one responsible for calling her parents.

Lightbulb.

Oh, this was an unspoken expectation I was unaware of. Had I been, I would have made some necessary adjustments years ago. While I may suck at contact, had this been made clear to me, I would have factored that into my behavior and adjusted accordingly. However, I made the mistake of assuming that everything was fine. It was for me, and if it wasn’t then someone would mention it, right?

Incorrect.

Cognitive empathy only works so far as you can get out of your own head, and clearly, I still fail at this. I prefer people tell me exactly what they want or need from me up front, that way I can at least try to meet their expectations. That is only effective, however, if they know what they are dealing with, and my family does not. This was on me to figure out and I didn’t do it because I applied what I understood to the situation and read it in the most favorable light to myself.

I suck at contact, and they don’t seem to care, or are any better at contact, so all is well and things can carry on the way that they are. So long as that was the case, there was no reason for extra effort. That, of course, favored my preference, and even with additional information that should have suggested that my preference wasn’t in line with theirs, I didn’t extrapolate that to come to a more concise understanding of what they wanted or needed from me.

I can’t expect them to know to tell me. I haven’t, nor will I, given them that information. This is something that was on me to figure out. I am sharing with you the lesson that I have just learned. Even with strong cognitive empathy, you are still going to miss beats. You are still going to have failures. It would be super awesome if everyone that you know would simply tell you what they want from you, but that’s not going to happen.

You are dealing with people’s expectations, and those expectations are going to be assumed to be shared by you. This is why emotional empathy can fail. Not everyone feels the same way and expecting them to isn’t really understanding that individual, it is understanding yourself in the mirror of their eyes. However, cognitive empathy has its own blind spots. You are still going to assume that other people think the way you do unless they tell you differently.

This is where a marriage of cognitive and emotional empathy might greatly benefit those that can develop both. I don’t know under what circumstances a person would be unable to learn cognitive empathy as it is really just the study of human interaction and applying what you learn to those around you to the best of your ability.

There are those of us that are incapable of emotional empathy, and that is not something that can ever be overcome. It requires more effort to be sunk into the cognitive empathy bank, kind of like distributing skill points to a character in a video game, but it is important not to rest too heavily on your laurels. You might be reading the situation incorrectly as I did, and it might be something that you really should have done better with.

It is important to be willing to examine those blind spots and apply past knowledge to present situations. I should have heard that how I was when I was younger affected my family and then applied that information to the present. They wished they had more contact then, they likely want that more now. In failing to do so, I created an unnecessary problem that I could have prevented. They aren’t angry with me, but surely when there was pain that was expressed about the past, that must mean that there is pain in the present.

I can’t feel that pain, but it is my responsibility to prevent causing it if I am being a good steward of my family, which is also my responsibility. Make sure to check your biases. You probably are missing cues that others give to you emotionally and cognitively. We all live in our own heads, and while the use of cognitive empathy can pull us out of that space and force us to consider the world through another’s eyes, it is not foolproof, even for people well-versed in the practice.

I will never be at a place where I have learned cognitive empathy. I will always be in its classroom, and the information will never cease flowing. Keep that in mind as you move forward. Understanding those around you is not a lesson that you get to close the book on if you intend to be good at it, because no matter how good you are, you are still studying the ocean in a drop of water.