I really needed to hear this. I am living with an elderly dad who is walking on crutches because he needs a hip replacement. He took out a reverse mortgage in 2013 and has been in denial about the inevitable situation of me losing the house when he passes. I know he wants to leave something for me. I do my best to get by. I don't want to post a rant. But, your posts are very interesting and this one is my favorite. Thank you. Greetings from Texas.
I can understand him wanting to leave something, but it is good that you are in a clearer place about it. Perhaps he can be comforted if you say how grateful you are for that reverse mortgage helping him through all these years, and how much peace of mind that brings to you
I wasn't always clear about it. Struck me as odd that he would argue. I learned a lot from him. The "vultures" you mentioned remind me of my grandfather and my aunt. He was an Irish Catholic in the NYPD. If you're not familiar with the society of New York in the 1950s, the word WASP should bring things to perspective. So should Harlem, the ghetto. My grandmother was German with Austro-Hungarian parents. My family discouraged from speaking German. I say this because I feel like I can trace the selfishness to hyperindividualism, which takes its toll greatest on outsiders. I'm cursed with intelligence, I joke, and an inability to be fluent in German.
So back to it. I too had trouble understanding why he wanted to fight. But that emotion actually replaced a previous resentment about feeling "sold out". I guess that was entitlement. I grew mentally. It's possible.
You're a good person. Very few people endeavor to grow, especially during emotional circumstances. Your personal growth is a far greater gift than anything material.
I have an aunt who is a vulture and a kleptomaniac. When my grandmother died the aunt found out that grandmother had labeled various items with the name of whoever she wanted to have it. The aunt switched labels around to get what she thought she wanted. A few years later she contacted me because she got something that was labeled for me that she wanted to swap. I'm happy with what I got though
I was the sole executor of my most loved family member. One family member demanded things be given to her even though it was expressed that she get nothing. Another hired a lawyer to make sure I was handling the estate properly. It was a disaster. I was shocked at how people change when money is on the line. It wasn’t a lot, and these people had money already. Needless to say, it changed my perspective. I now generally think people are awful. Sure, there could be many reasons why a person acts the way they do. Trauma, mental illness, addiction - they can make generally kind people act in ways that are almost incomprehensible. Still, most others do not have that excuse. People can justify almost anything to themselves. After being an executor, I agree with that comment about the savagery of humans. They are not generally good. Locke had it wrong.
Then I think about the idea that our reality is a product of our perspective. I don’t want to be cynical. I don’t want to view the world as I do now, because it is depressing.
How does one rectify experience vs. imagination, I suppose?
I can understand not wanting to see the world as you do now, but I would imagine seeing the world the way the vultures do might be worse. I have seen this behavior many times over, and every time it strikes me how miserable these people must be to behave in the ways that they do.
I think that the way to rectify it is to remember that there are people, like you, that do things correctly. You aren't the only one that does, and while the vultures and those that cannot be bothered to rearrange their schedule, but then complain that they dying person didn't die at a convenient time, there are many people staring at them in horror wondering if they even hear themselves speak.
It really doesn't seem like it should take a great deal of decency to not act as they do, but it is all too common, so it is best to look to the people that try to create the world in which they want to live.
It's interesting to hear the different groups advocate for what they want. My brother-in-law is a doctor of geriatric medicine. Also, a good friend of mine, who is, herself, a ER doctor, is losing her husband to terminal cancer. She complains how difficult it is to get her husband into a good study of up-and-coming cancer drugs. Many doctors can't be bothered to help because it means their patient goes to a different hospital.
My brother-in-law, in contrast, has seen a lot of people putting their terminal relatives through the absolute ringer, like Drew did to James, just for a few more painful months. Maybe it's about expiating guilt. Maybe it's about avoiding loss. Regardless, practitioners of geriatric medicine themselves tend to forego extreme measures and pass more quickly than most.
And with that context, I was reading about parents of children with Duchene muscular dystrophy. I had expected them to follow a similar path, preferring absolute lifespan to ability. But with them, it was the opposite. They cared about their kids being functional, even if it meant fewer years of life in the distant future. I assume the distant specter of death was approached differently than the one hovering immediately over people's shoulder. The shift in values from one situation to another was interesting to me.
That is another aspect of death that has surprised me over the years. The absolute lack of concern that I have seen from some medical professionals. There is a case currently in the UK where a child has a terminal illness and the government doesn't want to treat her. All right, fair enough, the outcome is unlikely to be good, it's government backed health care, I can see there being an argument.
However, they are doing whatever they can to prevent the child from getting treatment regardless. They are trying to prevent the family from leaving the UK to any other country to pay for the treatment themselves, which is not a lack of concern at this point, but rather actively trying to prevent any chance for the child to live. The Vatican has granted the child citizenship and have told the parents that they will pay for all the experimental treatment. The UK is adamant about preventing them from leaving... which makes no sense at all.
Is that the same Duchene Syndrome that causes cataracts in children and is 100% terminal?
The child has now passed away, the parents who live a few miles away from me wanted to take her home to die, but they were blocked from even doing that and she died 8 hours after having all treatment withdrawn.
Yes, it seems to be the one that causes cataracts in children. I didn't know about the cataract co-morbidity. Median life expectancy in patients born after 1990 is 28 years. Survival past 40 is possible, but rare.
I remember a Mystery Diagnosis episode where two children were diagnosed with it because of the cataracts. If I recall correctly someone noticed the reflection off the cataracts in photographs in both the children, or maybe just one of them, and told the mother what they knew about the disease. Unfortunately, she was right, and both children had Duchene's.
I think that we have in our current cohort of medical professionals a strong mechanistic trend, where values, social/emotional/spiritual wellbeing are ignored in favor of charts and displayed numbers, as if human were a machine. This leads to other weaknesses in the process of medical care, and generally makes hospitals less therapeutic places to be modern technology notwithstanding.
Your essay on how death exposes humanity's worst impulses is powerful and edifying. I saw myself in it too, even though I work with death and bereavement for a living.
Your material is so good, it has given me ideas for preaching the "law" in sermons, about how our base instincts in these areas offend against both God and man.
I have thought about the notions of emotional morality and the judgment of a Supreme Being, and wondered if God would find those sorts of moral judgments to be offensive.
I really needed to hear this. I am living with an elderly dad who is walking on crutches because he needs a hip replacement. He took out a reverse mortgage in 2013 and has been in denial about the inevitable situation of me losing the house when he passes. I know he wants to leave something for me. I do my best to get by. I don't want to post a rant. But, your posts are very interesting and this one is my favorite. Thank you. Greetings from Texas.
I can understand him wanting to leave something, but it is good that you are in a clearer place about it. Perhaps he can be comforted if you say how grateful you are for that reverse mortgage helping him through all these years, and how much peace of mind that brings to you
I wasn't always clear about it. Struck me as odd that he would argue. I learned a lot from him. The "vultures" you mentioned remind me of my grandfather and my aunt. He was an Irish Catholic in the NYPD. If you're not familiar with the society of New York in the 1950s, the word WASP should bring things to perspective. So should Harlem, the ghetto. My grandmother was German with Austro-Hungarian parents. My family discouraged from speaking German. I say this because I feel like I can trace the selfishness to hyperindividualism, which takes its toll greatest on outsiders. I'm cursed with intelligence, I joke, and an inability to be fluent in German.
So back to it. I too had trouble understanding why he wanted to fight. But that emotion actually replaced a previous resentment about feeling "sold out". I guess that was entitlement. I grew mentally. It's possible.
Keep writing!
You're a good person. Very few people endeavor to grow, especially during emotional circumstances. Your personal growth is a far greater gift than anything material.
Life is boring without growth and unbearable without music. A man doesn't need much to survive, but only an honest man knows this. Thanks dear! 😊
Please explain what a "Targeted Individual " is/means/etc.
Where did you see the term?
You're welcome; your outlook is quite like mine.
Yes, there's not much required for one to be happy.
I have an aunt who is a vulture and a kleptomaniac. When my grandmother died the aunt found out that grandmother had labeled various items with the name of whoever she wanted to have it. The aunt switched labels around to get what she thought she wanted. A few years later she contacted me because she got something that was labeled for me that she wanted to swap. I'm happy with what I got though
Wow... she sounds super special...
Hahaha!
Geez.
People.
Glad you're happy with what you received. Having the honor to know the person is enough for me. (Probably you as well.)
I was the sole executor of my most loved family member. One family member demanded things be given to her even though it was expressed that she get nothing. Another hired a lawyer to make sure I was handling the estate properly. It was a disaster. I was shocked at how people change when money is on the line. It wasn’t a lot, and these people had money already. Needless to say, it changed my perspective. I now generally think people are awful. Sure, there could be many reasons why a person acts the way they do. Trauma, mental illness, addiction - they can make generally kind people act in ways that are almost incomprehensible. Still, most others do not have that excuse. People can justify almost anything to themselves. After being an executor, I agree with that comment about the savagery of humans. They are not generally good. Locke had it wrong.
Then I think about the idea that our reality is a product of our perspective. I don’t want to be cynical. I don’t want to view the world as I do now, because it is depressing.
How does one rectify experience vs. imagination, I suppose?
I can understand not wanting to see the world as you do now, but I would imagine seeing the world the way the vultures do might be worse. I have seen this behavior many times over, and every time it strikes me how miserable these people must be to behave in the ways that they do.
I think that the way to rectify it is to remember that there are people, like you, that do things correctly. You aren't the only one that does, and while the vultures and those that cannot be bothered to rearrange their schedule, but then complain that they dying person didn't die at a convenient time, there are many people staring at them in horror wondering if they even hear themselves speak.
It really doesn't seem like it should take a great deal of decency to not act as they do, but it is all too common, so it is best to look to the people that try to create the world in which they want to live.
It's interesting to hear the different groups advocate for what they want. My brother-in-law is a doctor of geriatric medicine. Also, a good friend of mine, who is, herself, a ER doctor, is losing her husband to terminal cancer. She complains how difficult it is to get her husband into a good study of up-and-coming cancer drugs. Many doctors can't be bothered to help because it means their patient goes to a different hospital.
My brother-in-law, in contrast, has seen a lot of people putting their terminal relatives through the absolute ringer, like Drew did to James, just for a few more painful months. Maybe it's about expiating guilt. Maybe it's about avoiding loss. Regardless, practitioners of geriatric medicine themselves tend to forego extreme measures and pass more quickly than most.
And with that context, I was reading about parents of children with Duchene muscular dystrophy. I had expected them to follow a similar path, preferring absolute lifespan to ability. But with them, it was the opposite. They cared about their kids being functional, even if it meant fewer years of life in the distant future. I assume the distant specter of death was approached differently than the one hovering immediately over people's shoulder. The shift in values from one situation to another was interesting to me.
That is another aspect of death that has surprised me over the years. The absolute lack of concern that I have seen from some medical professionals. There is a case currently in the UK where a child has a terminal illness and the government doesn't want to treat her. All right, fair enough, the outcome is unlikely to be good, it's government backed health care, I can see there being an argument.
However, they are doing whatever they can to prevent the child from getting treatment regardless. They are trying to prevent the family from leaving the UK to any other country to pay for the treatment themselves, which is not a lack of concern at this point, but rather actively trying to prevent any chance for the child to live. The Vatican has granted the child citizenship and have told the parents that they will pay for all the experimental treatment. The UK is adamant about preventing them from leaving... which makes no sense at all.
Is that the same Duchene Syndrome that causes cataracts in children and is 100% terminal?
The child has now passed away, the parents who live a few miles away from me wanted to take her home to die, but they were blocked from even doing that and she died 8 hours after having all treatment withdrawn.
Thank you for the update. That's an unfortunate outcome
Yes, it seems to be the one that causes cataracts in children. I didn't know about the cataract co-morbidity. Median life expectancy in patients born after 1990 is 28 years. Survival past 40 is possible, but rare.
https://n.neurology.org/content/97/23/e2304
I remember a Mystery Diagnosis episode where two children were diagnosed with it because of the cataracts. If I recall correctly someone noticed the reflection off the cataracts in photographs in both the children, or maybe just one of them, and told the mother what they knew about the disease. Unfortunately, she was right, and both children had Duchene's.
I think that we have in our current cohort of medical professionals a strong mechanistic trend, where values, social/emotional/spiritual wellbeing are ignored in favor of charts and displayed numbers, as if human were a machine. This leads to other weaknesses in the process of medical care, and generally makes hospitals less therapeutic places to be modern technology notwithstanding.
Your essay on how death exposes humanity's worst impulses is powerful and edifying. I saw myself in it too, even though I work with death and bereavement for a living.
Your material is so good, it has given me ideas for preaching the "law" in sermons, about how our base instincts in these areas offend against both God and man.
I have thought about the notions of emotional morality and the judgment of a Supreme Being, and wondered if God would find those sorts of moral judgments to be offensive.
I'd like to think that any Deity would be wondering, "Why try instilling good in mankind any longer? "
Then another Deity replies, "To assist the few that understand. "
I can say that I and many others would like to see your post on existential fear of death.
All right, I can make that happen