Do Psychopaths Suffer?

What are negative experiences like for a psychopath?

The world is full of terrible events. They happen every day, and every person alive has been through them. They shape our world through stories, music, and art, and some of them stick with people for a lifetime. Death, illness, heartbreak, and loss, can all create a haze of pain that can be difficult to see through. You take it one step at a time, and sooner or later, the sun makes an appearance again.

I get asked quite often what these things are like for me, and my response is that I don’t prefer them, but they don’t affect me negatively. In this post, I am going to try to clarify what that means for those of you that would like to know. It isn’t something that I have considered very carefully, however, and I don’t code memories emotionally, so this is more or less me trying to grasp the mist.

My whole life I have watched the pain that terrible events cause to others, but have never understood them. As a child, I was never shattered by the loss of a beloved toy or doll. As a teenager, I never felt anxiety over a friend being mad at me for some reason. As an adult, I have never grieved a loss. I have spoken about this before over on Quora, and nearly every single time I am told by someone that assumes that they know me better than I know myself, that I am in denial. That I do in fact, experience these things, and either don’t want to admit it, or I am disassociating from the emotions.

I don’t suppose that any of you will be surprised to learn that the armchair psychologists are incorrect about this, but isn’t it fun that they tell people what they feel? So helpful, aren’t they?

I have had a number of negative events in my life, but when I was a child, I had no idea that is what they were. Over time in my life, I gleaned this through context. For instance, if someone died, people would be sad. Further context would be provided through television shows that depicted plots intended to communicate to children through age-appropriate materials, that this was a part of life. I saw my friends have emotional responses to such things, but they didn’t happen for me.

Not having a response to such things didn’t strike me as particularly important. I doubt that at that age I believed that my friends’ responses were real either. Children always like emulating what they see on television, so how would this have been any different. All of the techniques that they used to express their distress over an emotional issue were all tools I used to get what I wanted. I saw no reason to believe that they were any different.

Of course, I saw different things that caused stress and grief in my parents, and the other adults around me, but I remained entirely isolated from them. This was explained away by my parents, as they just assumed I was too young to really understand.

There came a time in my life when we moved a good distance from where we had been previously living. My sister was devastated that she had to leave behind her friends and relatives, and my parents were stressed and sad as well, but I wasn’t. I was deemed to “be handling it well”, but the reality was, there was nothing for me to “handle”. There is no emotional attachment to a house or to people. There is no sense of loss, and there is no trepidation about going somewhere new. It simply was, what it was. For me, it has always been this way.

When I got older, and specifically after I was diagnosed as psychopathic, it intrigued me about the impossibility to feel certain emotions. Obviously, at that time I already knew that I had several that were unavailable to me. I decided that I would pay attention when bad things happened and try to see if there was even a hint that I had been missing. The result was, that no, there was nothing there.

It is apparent to me that emotional turmoil arises in a few different circumstances, several of which make no sense to me. Such ass, something happens that requires action to fix, but the person becomes frozen in the emotional response.

I am a very solution-oriented person. If the situation that comes about that would cause emotional suffering to others is one that can be solved, I solve the problem. There isn’t any upset in doing so, it is just something that needs to be done. In those cases, there is just action, and the emotions that accompany it in many people often just get in the way.

In the other cases, when something happens like a death, regardless of the species, it has been difficult to try and explain it in terms that I could imagine neurotypicals understanding. It seems every example I can think of has greater emotional implications than I would imagine that they should.’

I enjoy the people that are in my life. They would not be here if I didn’t. However, when they aren’t here, they aren’t here. There isn’t an aspect of my personality that is attuned to “missing” someone. I have mentioned before that being aloe is perfectly fine with me. I have no need of others. For instance, if he goes on a trip, it wouldn’t occur to me to call him or contact him. That doesn’t diminish his place in my life, I just don’t have that emotion.

When someone dies I understand the permanence. I would rather they still be around, but that lack of ability to miss someone is no different in this situation. I enjoy them when they are present. When they are gone, their presence is preferably, but there isn’t a sense of loss. The best way I thought of to describe it was to use something that you can relate to regarding this experience.

I thought about using an example that you were supposed to go out with friends but at the last minute, they canceled. My Significant Other informed me that this would be upsetting to some people, and negative emotions would likely stem from it. Then I thought about finding out a TV show that you were enjoying was canceled, but the season ended on a cliffhanger. Again I was informed that this for many people would not be a pleasant emotional experience either. Finding something that that is comparable to you isn’t easy.

I have considered then, what is it about loss that causes such pain. If I were to guess, it is the bond that you had with that person, their absence of course, but what I think prolongs it as well is the emotional coding of memories. Not only are they not there, but the emotional memory of what it was like when they were, haunts you.

I may seem to be cheating to use my sister’s death as an example because of this. I was not close with my sister, and hadn’t spoken to her in several months preceding her suicide. My father phoned to inform me of the decision that she had made, the condition that she was in at the time, and my mother traveling there to sign the organ donation forms. There wasn’t an emotional inclination at that time, but as I mentioned, that may seem to constitute cheating, as this was not an immediate loss that directly impacted my life.

However, loss for me doesn’t extend past the immediate. If someone was in my life, and they suddenly aren’t, the moment that I am aware that they are no longer around, that is the impact. It’s a realization and understanding, but there isn’t anything that I feel other than an absence for a moment. Because I don’t code things emotionally, that absence as a feeling is very short-lived. After that moment, my brain no longer ties any kind of feeling with that moment. I don’t have the bond that other people do, and I don’t have emotional memories there to give me difficulties.

When I say that I prefer someone’s presence, but I don’t miss them when they are absent, this is true whether or not they are coming back. I do know that there is a difference for me when it comes to an investment in a person being ended suddenly, and when I end that investment. If I end that investment I have the cognitive awareness that this relationship has come to an end, and I am the one deciding that end. In this case, there is no preferring their presence, and noticing their absence.

When investment is ended in someone suddenly, as in they pass away, there wasn’t a previous decision to end that investment. Fate has intervened, and done so for me. I believe that is why in the first scenario, they aren’t thought of as being someone that I would still prefer around. In the second scenario, they have been removed without warning, so there is an adjustment to the change. In fairness, I have a similar reaction when there is a dramatic change in my life that needs a moment of acclimation. However, after that moment, I am acclimated and perfectly fine. This is a rapid process.

I should also say that the adjustment isn’t unpleasant, it simply isn’t welcome. I would prefer things to have continued as they did, but there isn’t a negative emotional thought process regarding that. It is simply a noticing of their absence, an adjustment to them not being there, and then continuing on in my life. I can understand this being a difficult thing to fathom, it is totally outside of most people’s experience, but loss for a psychopath is a brief moment of adjustment, and understanding that there is a preference for how things were. There isn’t, however, the ability to miss whoever is gone.

I know many people that are very close to their pets, and when one dies they are devastated. Thinking about their deceased pet might still bring them to tears, and they mourn the death. Looking at photographs can be painful and it fosters that feeling of loss that they are still experiencing. It can take some time before they can even consider having another pet. That’s not how it works for psychopaths.

How I relate to loss can be somewhat troublesome when it comes to relating to others. For instance, if an animal of mine dies, I am inclined to have another in my life nearly immediately. Most people are not able to do this, and of course, it comes across rather callously that I can and do. I do not share in their grief. That moment of absence and understanding that the loss entailed, that’s all there is to it.

There are benefits to not being wired as others are. I can give them a place to sort through their grief if they need it, but that isn’t the only way. If there is a loss that is predictable, say that someone gets ill in the family and it is terminal, I don’t need to be taken care of emotionally. I can be there for other people because I don’t have the sadness that they do.

I can also see what others need, and by that, I mean what they actually need, not what people assume that they should do or feel when it comes to a loss. This is a breakdown in empathy that people have a blind spot to. I get that when you face a loss, you feel a certain way. The problem arises when that feeling is assumed to be universal, and it is then applied to everyone else. If someone doesn’t experience grief the way that you might, it is not an indication that they aren’t suffering. They just do so differently.

Another aspect that has been greatly beneficial, is that negative events have no lasting impact on me. If I were in a car accident, for instance, it wouldn’t deter me from driving. There is no emotional damage, and no ability to create negative associations with past events. I actually have a story that relates to this. It’s not a pleasant story, so don’t read it if you are easily bothered.

When I was very young I had already been put to bed for the night. I heard something outside my room and heard my parents and sister leave the house. I left my room, went to my parent's room, and saw all three of them walking up the street, along with other people. Now, keep in mind, I was far too young to be left home alone, and while that part didn’t bother me, what did was the knowledge that they wouldn’t leave me by myself unless something quite significant happened. They were going to something interesting… and they didn’t invite me.

Well, that wasn’t happening. If they were going somewhere interesting, so was I, so I followed them. At first, they had no idea that I was trailing along behind them. It wasn’t until where we were headed was already well in view that they realized I had come along. Where did we go? To the scene of a very bloody car wreck that had a fatality. The driver had been going too fast, was intoxicated, and misjudged the road as straight. He was wrong. The road had the slightest curve to it, but being as drunk as he was, he and his passenger didn’t see it in time. The driver overcorrected, spun out, and slammed into a very large parked vehicle.

The driver’s through was slashed by debris coming through the broken windshield. This ended his life. The passenger survived, and had already been taken to the hospital. The interior of the truck that they had been driving was literally soaked in blood, and the gas tank of the vehicle they crashed into had ruptured, spilling gas all over the place. There was a distinct odor in the air, which was not difficult to determine was the gasoline mixing with the blood.

Now, remember, I am a very little kid, around four I think but I could be wrong, who is supposed to be home in bed, not looking at the carnage of this accident. My parents, once they figured out that I had come along, took me home straight away. If any of you are wondering why they had my sister with them, it was because she had already seen the accident and had come home to tell them about it, which is why they left me home, but took her along.

My mother waited for me to have nightmares, or be afraid of getting in the car, or some other emotional impact of what I saw. My sister had one. The accident bothered her, and she had nightmares about it. I had nothing. It didn’t faze me, and I simply thought it was interesting. I have spoken before about how psychopaths code memories, and why the notion that we have a bad sense of smell is nonsense. Without consciously labeling a smell so I can then recall it later, I won’t be able to tell you what that smell is.

This has to do with not having emotional memories, though it may seem as though that wouldn’t be the case. You would be surprised at how your mind locks in certain information. You probably aren’t even aware of how often it is using your emotions to code things as simple as smells. An example of this would be coffee in the morning. You smell it, and your brain associates that with the morning. Psychopaths have none of this, but if you give me coffee and tell me that it is coffee, I can smell it and tell my brain, this is what coffee smells like. I will have excellent recall after that for that smell.

What does this have to do with the car accident? I intentionally coded the smell of blood mixed with gasoline. It was a very specific smell, and there was no doubt about where the smell was coming from. Because of this, I can pick that smell up immediately. Here is where I differ from neurotypicals, however. If I smell it, I know what it is, and I can also relate it back to the accident as the particular circumstances are what created it in the first place, but there is no negative memory attached to that event. It simply is something that happened.

That is how I experience memories that other people have emotional reactions to. When I am given a reason to think of someone that is no longer around, the recall is factual, and lacking in any emotional aspect. There is no mourning, no grief, no nostalgia, none of that exists for me.

Loss is a moment, adjustment, and continuing on.