Let's Talk About Sex

Physical relationships with psychopaths... Part four

Photo by Cullan Smith on Unsplash

Sorry that this is off by a day guys. I forgot to schedule it. you will still get your post tomorrow as well.

In this post, I am not discussing psychopaths that cheat. I know that some do, and that to me is unacceptable behavior. If you don’t want to be in a committed relationship have the honor to leave first before pursuing someone else. Those that do cheat fall into the exact same category of people of any brain variant that cheats. Not worth mentioning. My philosophy with cheating is this. If you cheat, you are gone. There are no second chances, there will be no time for explanations, and no care for an apology. Just go. You won’t be thought of again.

This post instead is based on a relationship with a psychopath that is committed. I have spoken to several people that have ex-partners or current partners that have behaved in very similar manners. Psychopaths and how they relate to the activity of sex is quite different, so let’s explore that a bit.

Think about something with me. Think about the act of sex and the emotional connotations that it involves. Think about the chemical aspects it involves. Now remind yourself that psychopaths do not bond, we do not have chemical love, and we do not have empathy. Cuddling for instance, and the enjoyment thereof has 100% no value to me. That’s not an indictment on the other person, it has nothing to do with them. It is how I function internally.

Do you think that the other person is going to be fine with “it’s not you, it’s me”? It tends to be met with a “conversation” which may entail the question of “is there someone else”? No. This is just how I am. We are not wired for intimacy or cuddling. That is all something that if we do it, it is entirely to make you happy.

However, like pretty much everything with a psychopath, there is a cost-benefit analysis, and if sex will never be about growing closer to our partner. That’s now how we function. Sex is about the event. It has to be interesting, enjoyable, and worth my time to be bothered.

That means that it has no more value to me than something else I might be doing, and possibly less depending on circumstances. If the enjoyment of doing so so does not cancel out what we are currently doing, or what I’m currently doing, and the effort that is required, it's a non-starter. I have already been there, done that. To go back means I have to be intimate, get undressed, get sweaty, clean up later, it's work. I could do that, but if I don't find the experience worth that kind of energy output it will not be on my priority list.

That is not a reality that lends to a lot of self-esteem and security with your partner if you are the neurotypical in this pair. Someone shrugging off a night with you because they have something more interesting to do is going to make you feel really bad. You would rightly think that your partner’s disinterest is hurtful. It is hurtful, but it isn’t intended to be. A psychopath is never going to think that the other person’s interest or disinterest in sex has a thing to do with them. In our minds, it doesn’t, because it never does from our point of view.

We, just like you, assume that we’re on the same page in regard to how we relate to the other person. Just as neurotypicals assign their own thinking process to us, we do it to you. It takes a great deal of education in cognitive empathy to even consider your point of view. Why on earth would we think that it would be hurtful to you to be rejected? It isn’t at all to us. Without really getting to know how neurotypicals experience this emotional landscape, we’re just going to assume that you’re fine.

Objectively, you might be supermodel quality in looks, the sex might have been great, but that just doesn't change the boredom factor. Boredom is a psychopath's lifelong companion. We live and sometimes die by boredom. All of the concerns you might be thinking of, like will they leave, or cheat, or the others probably have not even crossed the psychopath's mind provided that you have been together for a good while and nothing else has changed.

We don't see it from your perspective. What we see is we are fine without it and would rather do what we are currently doing. It's more interesting. A lot of neurotypicals take this rather personally, even more so if you know that they masturbate. We like orgasms, but sex is a whole production. The psychopath might be happy as can be in all other aspects of the relationship, but the sex is too much work to have any desire to invest in.

That isn’t to say that I don’t understand it from your perspective. I do, to a degree. Intimacy is very important to neurotypicals. It reaffirms the bond, makes them feel wanted and attractive, and it is an expression of love. Psychopaths have none of that. To a psychopath, intimacy is something that we do for you, and the rest of it is lost on us. Sex is an event, not a bond reinforcement.

In the beginning, it’s fun. After some time it is either fun, or work, and very rarely will it have a whole lot to do with you as an individual. It simply means that there is something that is more important or interesting than sex with you.

It doesn't mean they will cheat, that you're ugly, that they are planning on leaving you, that you should work to change them. It means you have to have a conversation about it and it needs to be a conversation that is devoid of you attempting to emotionally negotiate with them. It won't work anyway. You have to be frank about what you feel your needs are in the relationship and genuinely listen to what the other person says back.

That frank conversation might be very difficult, because it means that you need to know what it is that you want, what you don’t want, and you have to be able to present that without the typical emotional aspects of the conversation. That part is going to go against most NT’s internal wiring, but to a psychopath just sounds like manipulation. I get it, to you these are genuine needs and wants, but we do not share them. I can be very frank about what I want, and what I don’t want. That bluntness may come across as dismissive, or without empathy. It isn’t dismissive, but it is without empathy.

What if the psychopath of the relationship wasn’t interested in sex with you, but they aren’t interested in cheating either. If that was the blunt response from your partner, would that be something that you took as reasonable, or would it be emotionally devastating? Or, what if you put forward that you would like more physical intimacy and affection and the psychopath was unwilling.

The way I ask these questions makes it seem as though the psychopath’s needs or wants are the priority, but that isn’t what I am saying. Instead, I am pointing out that psychopaths aren’t invested in the same outcomes that you might be, and if they say they don’t want to do what you ask, you are the one that is going to be hurt in that situation.

You have to have your own interests in the forefront of your mind when it comes to a sexual relationship regardless, but definitely when it comes to dealing with a psychopath. It is the almost transactional nature of sex that may be the reason that a psychopath might cheat. This is because sex does not have the meaning to us that it might to a neurotypical. We do not have the emotional involvement in it, it is simply something that is fun. Nothing more.

Please do not misunderstand me, I am in no way playing defense for those that do. I consider cheating weak action by a weak person, but that is due to the fact that I consider my time valuable.

I know, not exactly clear reasoning. If I am going to accommodate someone in my life, it is an exception, not something that is common. If I am going to accommodate someone, and their wants, their needs, their desires, their complaints, and the expectation that they will have on my time, it will be one person that I will make these concessions for. I have no interest in dealing with two people, so seeing another person at the same time would be illogical for me.

You may think, oh, then you must not care when someone cheats on you.

Incorrect.

If I make room for a person in my life, it is with the requirement of monogamy. This is non-negotiable, and if it is broken, the person is removed. Immediately. Why is this? Because they agreed to my terms and then broke them. Trustworthy actions are a high priority of mine. Once a person demonstrates that they are not trustworthy, they are summarily dismissed. I do not cheat, nor do I tolerate those that do so.

Psychopaths and neurotypicals are speaking across a roaring maelstrom. We are very different in our wants and our needs. We are very different in our wiring and that makes for very crossed wires and a lot of misunderstandings. If there is going to be any meaningful understanding of how relationships between us can go wrong, we first have to know how the other thinks. There is a great deal of assignment as to how we think, but very rarely is there anything remotely accurate.

If you want to know how a psychopath thinks, you have to ask a psychopath. Assuming that we are sexually deviant perverts with a propensity to cheat is silly, but that tends to be the idea behind how psychopaths are in relationships. Think back to the article that made the claim:

“They have deviant sexual desires and they will want you to fulfill them, whether you want to or not.”

That is ridiculous, but that doesn’t change the fact that this is what people put out there as fact. Again, if you want to know how a psychopath thinks, you have to ask them instead of making up an imaginary person, asking them, and then writing articles about it.

Sex for psychopaths is just another thing in life that we can take or leave. It doesn’t preoccupy our minds, it isn’t something that is so highly valued that it is our sole focus. It’s just something that is enjoyable, but not necessary. It sits in a very different place in our purview. There is likely some difference between how I think about it and a male does. They have testosterone, and that can relandscape things, but this is my perspective as a female psychopath.