If there is one thing that is similar to our masking experiences it’s that neurotypicals have very specific expectations for emotional reactions.
For me masking typically involves suppressing my emotional reactions rather than inserting emotional reactions where there is none. Confusion is the most common reaction I get to my strange behaviour, followed by offence when that behaviour gets mistaken as something intentional I’m doing to them.
For the most part I have a semi mask up because if I’m not consciously maintaining it, I will slip, so for my own needs I have to keep the number of things to keep track of to a minimum.
This takes the form of suppressing stims and ignoring pain. For instance if I’m walking outside I will look straight ahead, despite bright daylight stabbing my eyes. My natural reaction would be to look down, but if do that it would appear as lack of confidence and I don’t want would be assailants getting any ideas. Sunglasses and brimmed hats are my friends.
To be frank masking a lot of the time feels like dipping one’s hand into a jar of fire-ants and trying not to react to the pain. When all is said and done no one will acknowledge it.
Interesting! After a couple of bad experiences with men as a teen, I learned to avoid men who I couldn’t “read.” Of the two that come to mind that I learned this from, one was (I believe based on his behavior) a violent psychopath who attacked me when I refused to have sex with him, and the other was pretending to be romantically interested in me and his vibe didn’t match his words. Harmless, but boring.
It's so weird listening to you describe your reaction to that scenario, because as an NT it's completely alien to me, but at the same time, rationally speaking, I can't fault your logic. Most people, NTs included, would agree that violence is acceptable if it's genuinely in self defense, or defense of someone close to you, as it obviously was in your case. Even the law will normally back you up on that. And technically you're right that the aggressive dog is the other guy's problem, not yours (once the immediate danger to your dog had passed). Your logical reasoning about the situation makes total sense.
But the really striking difference to me, and what makes your reaction seem alien from the NT point of view (apart from the lack of empathy re any pain caused to the dog), is the total lack of concern about the impact the incident might have had on the relationship between you and the other dog's owner. Even if you didn't know the guy, if he lives near you then technically you're part of the same community, and the incident between your dogs could have created bad feeling between you, a kind of breach in your relationship as members of the same community - in the worst case scenario could even cause a rift in the whole community, if other people heard about what happened and took sides. You alluded to the fact that this potential rupture in the social harmony seemed to be something that was bothering him, and that he needed reassurance about - but it wasn't on your radar at all.
It's odd because even if rationally the likelihood of those negative social consequences was extremely small (you live in a big town not a small village full of busybodies for example, and he doesn't live near you at all, just happened to be on the same street), the average NT's brain would still be screaming at us to repair the social damage done, just in case.
Your hyper-rational reaction makes me realise how illogical the average NT reaction could be - there's a high chance that the link between you and the other dog owner is almost non-existent, and there really is no relationship to be damaged or needing of repair in the first place, and you will never see him again in your life - but our NT brains won't care about that, they will still require us to smooth things over, just in case we ever come across the same guy again and need a favour lol. We are simply hard wired to always try to maintain social cohesion, because we're safer as part of a group, no matter how much logic might tell us that it's not required in that specific situation.
It's mad to think how many of our NT reactions exist only because our long-ago-evolved brains are insisting on something, when there might be no logical reason for that position at all.
Micro-expressions are an intriguing topic. It has taken lifelong effort for me to learn to be more expressive with my face, particularly with my eyes, even though I experience these emotions (albeit differently). I find it interesting to consider how it must be when some emotions are absent entirely. A very enjoyable post, Athena.
I really appreciate this post, and I’m glad you, your dog, and your SO are all safe and not injured. I can understand why micro expressions are critical in daily interactions, but also of zero concern when you or a an important person or pet is under threat. I have had an occasional situation like this with my dog and I become singularly focused on protecting her and don’t feel any need to smooth things over after I deal with the situation. I can see how anything that requires frontal lobe action in the urgent moment will be shunted aside. For me, it’s reflexive to protect my dog.
This is perhaps off topic but those sorts of graphs have saved me so many times. Disgust and contempt I recognise in people from the chart, fear I still don't seem to get even once I know, unless someone is responding to something that would obviously cause fear. Lack of eye contact, shaking and evasive body language is a bit easier. I'm getting my life together recently so perhaps I will go back into those sorts of books again soon.
Very interesting article in general. Aggressive dogs don't have to be walked in the street. It's only a little out of the way in most areas to find somewhere a bit more secluded.
People are kind of lax with dogs I think. Like, you hear them calling their dog like the dog is a little human that can understand them, getting angry at it etc. which is something it is just not likely to process at all. It's called RECALL TRAINING, and at least have a treat on hand. The dog isn't a baby, it will come back for food. It doesn't actually relate to you.
Very interesting! A question: have you ever compared a photo of yourself with a smile that was part of a mask, to a photo of yourself with a smile from a situation where you spontaneously smiled? I read that the latter type in presumed NTs includes "crow's feet " near the eyes, the former does not.
I used to work on my expressions... not anymore, am probably sometimes off...
If there is one thing that is similar to our masking experiences it’s that neurotypicals have very specific expectations for emotional reactions.
For me masking typically involves suppressing my emotional reactions rather than inserting emotional reactions where there is none. Confusion is the most common reaction I get to my strange behaviour, followed by offence when that behaviour gets mistaken as something intentional I’m doing to them.
For the most part I have a semi mask up because if I’m not consciously maintaining it, I will slip, so for my own needs I have to keep the number of things to keep track of to a minimum.
This takes the form of suppressing stims and ignoring pain. For instance if I’m walking outside I will look straight ahead, despite bright daylight stabbing my eyes. My natural reaction would be to look down, but if do that it would appear as lack of confidence and I don’t want would be assailants getting any ideas. Sunglasses and brimmed hats are my friends.
To be frank masking a lot of the time feels like dipping one’s hand into a jar of fire-ants and trying not to react to the pain. When all is said and done no one will acknowledge it.
Interesting! After a couple of bad experiences with men as a teen, I learned to avoid men who I couldn’t “read.” Of the two that come to mind that I learned this from, one was (I believe based on his behavior) a violent psychopath who attacked me when I refused to have sex with him, and the other was pretending to be romantically interested in me and his vibe didn’t match his words. Harmless, but boring.
It's so weird listening to you describe your reaction to that scenario, because as an NT it's completely alien to me, but at the same time, rationally speaking, I can't fault your logic. Most people, NTs included, would agree that violence is acceptable if it's genuinely in self defense, or defense of someone close to you, as it obviously was in your case. Even the law will normally back you up on that. And technically you're right that the aggressive dog is the other guy's problem, not yours (once the immediate danger to your dog had passed). Your logical reasoning about the situation makes total sense.
But the really striking difference to me, and what makes your reaction seem alien from the NT point of view (apart from the lack of empathy re any pain caused to the dog), is the total lack of concern about the impact the incident might have had on the relationship between you and the other dog's owner. Even if you didn't know the guy, if he lives near you then technically you're part of the same community, and the incident between your dogs could have created bad feeling between you, a kind of breach in your relationship as members of the same community - in the worst case scenario could even cause a rift in the whole community, if other people heard about what happened and took sides. You alluded to the fact that this potential rupture in the social harmony seemed to be something that was bothering him, and that he needed reassurance about - but it wasn't on your radar at all.
It's odd because even if rationally the likelihood of those negative social consequences was extremely small (you live in a big town not a small village full of busybodies for example, and he doesn't live near you at all, just happened to be on the same street), the average NT's brain would still be screaming at us to repair the social damage done, just in case.
Your hyper-rational reaction makes me realise how illogical the average NT reaction could be - there's a high chance that the link between you and the other dog owner is almost non-existent, and there really is no relationship to be damaged or needing of repair in the first place, and you will never see him again in your life - but our NT brains won't care about that, they will still require us to smooth things over, just in case we ever come across the same guy again and need a favour lol. We are simply hard wired to always try to maintain social cohesion, because we're safer as part of a group, no matter how much logic might tell us that it's not required in that specific situation.
It's mad to think how many of our NT reactions exist only because our long-ago-evolved brains are insisting on something, when there might be no logical reason for that position at all.
Micro-expressions are an intriguing topic. It has taken lifelong effort for me to learn to be more expressive with my face, particularly with my eyes, even though I experience these emotions (albeit differently). I find it interesting to consider how it must be when some emotions are absent entirely. A very enjoyable post, Athena.
I really appreciate this post, and I’m glad you, your dog, and your SO are all safe and not injured. I can understand why micro expressions are critical in daily interactions, but also of zero concern when you or a an important person or pet is under threat. I have had an occasional situation like this with my dog and I become singularly focused on protecting her and don’t feel any need to smooth things over after I deal with the situation. I can see how anything that requires frontal lobe action in the urgent moment will be shunted aside. For me, it’s reflexive to protect my dog.
Cool,
This is perhaps off topic but those sorts of graphs have saved me so many times. Disgust and contempt I recognise in people from the chart, fear I still don't seem to get even once I know, unless someone is responding to something that would obviously cause fear. Lack of eye contact, shaking and evasive body language is a bit easier. I'm getting my life together recently so perhaps I will go back into those sorts of books again soon.
Very interesting article in general. Aggressive dogs don't have to be walked in the street. It's only a little out of the way in most areas to find somewhere a bit more secluded.
People are kind of lax with dogs I think. Like, you hear them calling their dog like the dog is a little human that can understand them, getting angry at it etc. which is something it is just not likely to process at all. It's called RECALL TRAINING, and at least have a treat on hand. The dog isn't a baby, it will come back for food. It doesn't actually relate to you.
Very enjoyable and truly fun read: Thank you!!
Very interesting! A question: have you ever compared a photo of yourself with a smile that was part of a mask, to a photo of yourself with a smile from a situation where you spontaneously smiled? I read that the latter type in presumed NTs includes "crow's feet " near the eyes, the former does not.
I used to work on my expressions... not anymore, am probably sometimes off...