I was thinking about the Psychopath Manifesto when I wrote last week’s post, and could see that there may be some value in resisting more pieces of it. This week I want to talk about this section a little more in-depth:
Don’t take things personally.
Associate setbacks or challenges with unfortunate circumstances, not as something tied to your inability to perform. Reposition rejections as learning opportunities and as something which simply wasn’t meant to be at that point in time.
In particular, the part about not taking things personally when it comes to people that want to insult you. I am routinely asked how do I deal with someone that is trying to get under my skin, or who insults me, or bullies me? The first thing that I always tell them is, “Why do you care what that person thinks?”
To me, this is a logical way of seeing things, but there are aspects to the social tribal network that I am cut off from. I don’t have a fear of being ostracized from the group, nor do I find people’s opinions about me or what I do relevant to my life. This is my static wiring. It can’t be changed, and believe me, one of the things that people like to do is attempt to get a rise out of me. They consider it a challenge.
Let’s go through an example, shall we? In this particular exchange, the person that was messaging me was apparently a psychology student working on their Ph.D. I have no idea if this was the case or not, but really I don’t care. He was also apparently messaging others on the site, and had an interest in feeling different people who claim psychopathy out. Mainly, he wanted to see if he could prove that they were lying about being psychopathic.
I won’t bore you with the long drawn-out details in the messages, as the back and forth took place over some weeks or months back in 2017, so we will just focus on the messages that happened toward the beginning of the interaction, and the end. Here is a list of questions that he was interested in the answers to:
User
Aug 15, 2017, 9:23 PM
Before I continue, might I ask you the same boring questions you’ve been asked during diagnosis? These are very general things you’ve been asked before, but it helps me get a very basic baseline?
Any history of abuse, whether it be physical, sexual , or emotional?
Do you come from a broken home? If so, who were you raised with?
Do you have a criminal record, whether juvenile or adult?
Are you currently taking any drugs medication, whether psychiatric or otherwise, or have you taken any in the past (including illicit drugs)?
Any history of illnesses or injuries, including other diagnosed mental health problems?
I already asked these to someone else here. Just very general questions that do not require any details other than general answers.
As you can see, he is considering this much like he might an evaluation. He wants to know what he can sort out and discard and what might be relevant to his inquiries. This is helpful to understand the position he was coming from, and is necessary to understand his overall behavior.
Here is a bit more of our conversation in the beginning:
Athena Walker
Aug 15, 2017, 9:24 PM
no
no
no record no, but that does not mean that I have not been arrested
no
Meningitis
User
Aug 15, 2017, 9:25 PM
I notice you list HuffPost as a credit, even though you have never written for it, and have merely been quoted from this site, most likely based on the number of views you received here.
Why did it bring you pleasure to be mentioned on HuffPost?
Here he is referring to answers that are selected by Quora to be published on some of the sites that they are affiliated with. I don’t know if this is still something that they do or not.
Athena Walker
Aug 15, 2017, 9:28 PM
I don’t list it. Quora did. Click the link, it will take to to the answer that was published
Athena Walker
Aug 15, 2017, 9:33 PM
Ah, I see that the link system is broken tonight. Interesting. Here is the link to the article
I Test Positive For Psychopathy. This Is What My Romantic Relationships Are Like
User
Aug 15, 2017, 9:35 PM
Did it upset you that I suggested that you derived pleasure from being published?
Athena Walker
Aug 15, 2017, 9:37 PM
No, you were simply incorrect.
User
Aug 15, 2017, 9:41 PM
Ok, fair enough.
I Am A Psychopath - Talkspace Online Therapy Blog
Are you concerned about the way people perceive psychopaths?
Athena Walker
Aug 15, 2017, 9:42 PM
I was approached to write an article and that was the topic they wished for it to be written on. I do not care for misinformation, and the beliefs about psychopaths tend to be nothing but, so I obliged.
User
Aug 15, 2017, 9:44 PM
Why does such misinformation concern you? Is it merely self-interest or is it something more?
Athena Walker
Aug 15, 2017, 9:46 PM
I don’t care for misinformation in general.
User
Aug 15, 2017, 9:48 PM
What feelings does misinformation arouse in you?
Athena Walker
Aug 15, 2017, 9:51 PM
That depends. If someone says something that is incorrect, such as a garden flower is a cement superstructure, I will simply correct them. No feeling, but obviously that information is incorrect. If they persist in their belief that a flower is indeed a cement superstructure, somewhat annoyed.
After this, the conversation was concluded for the night, and he went off to bed. This chat, to me anyway, does nothing to invoke any feelings, but I am able to read that he was probing. This is fairly normal, and not something that I care about. I have no problem telling a person that they are not entitled to information from me if they cross a boundary, and if they get pushy or antagonistic, I tend to find that either amusing or time-consuming, depending on my schedule. What it doesn’t do is anger or upset me.
However, this same short conversation annoyed someone that was allowed to read it. They took offense to the questions and how they were posed to me. They felt that his tone was disrespectful and rude. To which I shrugged and said, “So? What does that have to do with me?”
This individual took it personally that they inferred certain meanings behind his words and that those words were directed at someone that they felt the need to defend. I disabused them of that notion. I don’t need to be defended by someone’s words. They have nothing to do with me. That was more or less the end of the discussion, but they were interested in seeing how things progressed.
User
Aug 18, 2017, 9:21 PM
I’ve interviewed another psychopath here who spoke to me of, in a PURE hypothetical, if he would inflict violence on a child (once again, PURE hypothetical environment) for great personal gain. I’d like to ask you this question tomorrow. I think I’m making great gains on internet antisocials. May I question you about this tomorrow, plz?
Athena Walker
Aug 18, 2017, 9:21 PM
You can ask, but the answer is no. I can get my own gains in my own way. I have no need of playing a game like that for a reward. It’s too easy
User
Aug 18, 2017, 9:23 PM
But, we’re in the realm of pure hypothetical. I don’t know what you want most; millions of dollars, a seat in Parliament, build the better mousetrap, have the most popular YouTube channel, cure the common cold, whatever. But, surely, there is something that you would like more than anything that could, in pure hypotheticals, be given to you instantly.
Athena Walker
Aug 19, 2017, 11:50 AM
There is nothing I want most. I find things that are interesting and do them, I don’t have a goal or an overall desire. Money is pointless, it removes the challenge of life. Without challenge, life would be boring. I have no interest in power. That’s responsibility that is far better for others to be burdened with.
I do what I want to do, and I don’t need anything handed to me. Playing a game such as causing someone harm is a pointless venture.
User
Aug 19, 2017, 3:19 PM
Very well…..some sicko tosses a four year old to you with a knife, he’s got a gun on you, and he says “you have two choices: if you torture that girl to death I’ll let you live, however, if you can’t, I’ll shoot you and let the girl go.” What do you do in this (admittedly absurd) hypothetical?
Athena Walker
Aug 19, 2017, 3:26 PM
He tossed me a knife and a child? That’s unfortunate for him. That means he is close to me. I can close the distance of twenty feet before he’s going to react, and he will be very familiar with what that knife feels like to be stabbed with.
I don’t like ultimatums.
User
Aug 19, 2017, 3:32 PM
You know, if I didn’t know better, I would say you were avoiding the question.
Athena Walker
Aug 19, 2017, 4:39 PMThat was an answer to the question. You asked what I would do. I answered the question clearly.
User
Aug 19, 2017, 4:45 PM
You don’t have to worry about seeming “weak,” whatever that means. Do you feel sympathy for the hypothetical girl?
User
Aug 19, 2017, 4:49 PM
You do, don’t you? Yes, THIS HERE is my thesis.
Athena Walker
Aug 19, 2017, 4:53 PM
Why would I care about her? She is simply an object in the situation. It has nothing to do with her. This is between him and me.
User
Aug 19, 2017, 5:18 PM
You didn’t react to me provoking you. That’s pretty interesting in and of itself.
Remember the person that felt the need to defend me and condemn this guy and how he acted toward me? This part just made them turn that annoyance at me. Apparently, in their mind, I was unaware of his intentions. I was unaware that he was goading me, that he was trying to prove that I’m not a psychopath, that this guy was up to no good, and that I should stop talking to him.
“Why?”
“Because he has bad intentions!?”
“So?”
“You can’t just keep talking to bad actors like this!”
“But… I don’t care what he thinks.”
“Why not?!”
“Because it has nothing to do with me. That’s a ‘him’ problem, not a ‘me’ problem.”
This was a difficult thing for this person to understand. In their mind, their friend is being insulted and isn’t doing anything about it. There is a general belief that you have to respond, or at the very least care that someone says something mean, or had ill-intent in a conversation with you.
I literally do not have the ability to have that response. I simply do not care. Now, granted, if the person is going out of their way to be a d*ck to me, and I see no value in the conversation for me, I won’t continue, but this guy was at the very least entertaining. I hadn’t considered him particularly rude, especially when death threats were a relatively common occurrence in my DMs.
The conversation continued:
User
Aug 27, 2017, 1:11 PM
You’re answering obvious A2A questions that are troll bait.
User
Aug 27, 2017, 1:11 PM
Srs my friend? Wth?User
Aug 27, 2017, 1:19 PM
U not here? k
Athena Walker
Aug 27, 2017, 1:33 PM
In and out today
User
Aug 27, 2017, 1:56 PM
Ok, but surely you knew that guy was trolling before you answered?
Athena Walker
Aug 27, 2017, 4:36 PM
You need to be more specific. I answer many questions
User
Aug 27, 2017, 4:42 PM
This Could a sociopath's stare spook an animal?User
Aug 27, 2017, 4:47 PM
You got 35 upvotes and counting on a question that was, seemed to me, a trolling joke.
Athena Walker
Aug 27, 2017, 4:48 PM
I find it amusing that you think that’s a troll. It isn’t, but even if it were, I answer what I want to.
Aug 27, 2017, 4:49 PM
I wasn’t saying that you can’t answer what you wantUser
Aug 27, 2017, 4:49 PM
I could go scream at my cat and “spook” her, it was just a retarded question that I feel is trolling
Athena Walker
Aug 27, 2017, 4:50 PM
That wasn’t my implication. What I was saying is that I answer the questions that I want to answer usually because I find them entertaining.Athena Walker
Aug 27, 2017, 4:51 PM
We get asked it quite often
Aug 27, 2017, 4:51 PM
My thesis—sad posers.
I think I need to revise that. You don’t seem to understand basic things I say, which leads me to believe you don’t understand normal emotions.
UserAug 27, 2017, 4:54 PM
I think you’re the real deal.
Athena Walker
Aug 27, 2017, 4:54 PM
Okay
User
Aug 27, 2017, 4:54 PM
No I mean itUser
Aug 27, 2017, 4:54 PM
It’s fascinating
Athena Walker
Aug 27, 2017, 4:54 PM
Should I throw a parade? I’m not sure the response you are looking for from me
User
Aug 27, 2017, 4:55 PM
lol I’m not looking for a response, personally I’m stunned, I think you might actually be a pure antisocial person, which for a student like me is like finding the lost city of gold, el doradoUser
Aug 27, 2017, 4:57 PM
You really are pure anti socoial, aren’t you?
Athena Walker
Aug 27, 2017, 4:58 PM
That’s what the group of doctors arrived at.
User
Aug 27, 2017, 4:59 PM
I hope you don’t mind me, but, from a student’s POV, you’re pure GOLD. i MUST keep interviewing you, please.
Athena Walker
Aug 27, 2017, 5:01 PM
You can ask me questions, I pretty much let everyone do so anyway
User
Aug 27, 2017, 5:01 PM
I’ve never met a pure antisocial before.
Back to my friend’s commentary on the matter…
“He’s trying to manipulate you through flattery. You know that, right”
This was met by another shrug.
“And?”
“He’s treating you like a test subject!”
“Yeah, obviously.”
“Why doesn’t that bother you!?”
“Why should it?”
We went round and round about this for a while, and the conclusion that I reached was that I was supposed to care because other people would care. I shouldn’t give my time to someone that was behaving in such a way.
*Shrug* “Don’t care.”
Now, you might be thinking, “Athena, what the ever-loving hell does this have to do with the Psychopath Manifesto?
I wonder how you are responding to the User’s questions internally. Do you find them amusing, do you not care because he wasn’t addressing you, do you place yourself in my shoes and imagine how you would respond if he was talking to you? Are you the sort that has an emotional response to things that aren’t directed at you? If so, good, this post is mostly aimed at you. This way you can step back and try to see what causes that response when there is no need of it.
Shall we continue?
User
Sep 30, 2017, 7:06 PM
Quora has been very useful. Like I told you, you’re providing a complete chapter to my book.
Athena Walker
Sep 30, 2017, 7:06 PM
Cool
User
Sep 30, 2017, 7:06 PM
Cool? Say what you mean.
Athena Walker
Sep 30, 2017, 7:08 PM
I did. There really isn’t much to say to that. Your book doesn’t really affect me, so there isn’t much else to say regarding it.
User
Sep 30, 2017, 7:10 PM
Um, I didn’t mean any offense. I don’t know how, but you act like I insulted you. I can assure you I didn’t mean that.
Athena Walker
Sep 30, 2017, 7:11 PM
I wasn’t offended. Just responding.
User
Sep 30, 2017, 7:15 PM
k
User
Sep 30, 2017, 7:16 PM
Um, just in case we’re unclear, I’d gladly put a 9mm round in your face, just as I would any rabid animal to put it out of its misery, so, you know, don’t think I actually like you as a person.
Did you have an internal response to that? Did it bother you? Let me know in the comments how reading that affects you if it affects you at all. Some people would be angry to get a message like that, some would be afraid, some would be sad, some would be offended, some would feel betrayed, and I am certain that there are a fair number of other responses that a person might have. I found it mildly amusing, but didn’t bother responding, to which he replied again:
User
Oct 1, 2017, 11:22 AM
HA! You didn’t even twitch when I said that. You’re the real deal: a perfect pure antisocial. It’s a rare find.
Athena Walker
Oct 1, 2017, 1:39 PM
Cool
That was the last time we ever messaged. For him, this was a final test. For me, it was a message that had the same level of impact had he messaged:
User
Oct 1, 2017, 11:22 AM
Milk
Eggs
Pasta
Lunch meat
Ect…
If the message bothered you, but the shopping list doesn’t, you have to look at how you are relating to words. Why do some words have an impact on you, and others don’t? Mr. User wanted to test me. That was his intention, but that intention has nothing to do with me. He can say whatever he wants, it isn’t my concern.
It isn’t yours either. It doesn’t have anything to do with you. Even if someone is calling you names, and making fun of you, even if their intention is to cause you pain and harm, that’s their problem. It literally has nothing to do with you. How much you entertain their words, that is what you have to decide for yourself.
What about that person, and that person’s opinion, is so damn special that it should have any impact on you at all? I will grant you that there are people that of course will have an impact on you, such as your parents. I get that. They are supposed to be the stewards of your spirit and protect you. When they don’t, it can be profoundly painful for most people. In that case, I would suggest finding someone to work through it with you, like a therapist. That’s building blocks kind of stuff. You really shouldn’t ignore it as that can have a large impact on your functionality.
However, people that aren’t integral to your life? Remind yourself that they aren’t owed a response internally or externally. They are simply wasting your time and you have better things to do. If you wouldn’t care about their opinion on what to get on a pizza you’re ordering for yourself, you certainly shouldn’t care about their opinion regarding you as an individual.
Keep in mind the value of the person you are granting power over your life to. If they have no value to you, their opinion shouldn’t either.
Since you asked in your post, if I was in a similar conversation, upon reading the death threat my response would be "okay we're done here" then I would have blocked him. My emotional response would be to feel disrespected, but only mildly since it's online.
My response to seeing it happen to you is annoyance. His book sounds like it's going to be the equivalent of a Jewish culture book written by a Nazi. There are so many books out there written about certain groups of people, by people who neither are apart of nor respect that particular community.
One thing to keep in mind about emotional language is that the emotional response is near instantaneous. There is no thinking, "who's this person, and should I care?" before the response happens. People can of course choose to dwell on those emotions, but an emotional response in and of itself doesn't indicate that someone cares about that person's opinion.
Negative emotional responses can be thought of as pain. If a stranger were to run up to you and stomp you on the foot, would it not hurt because they're a stranger? What if they're a child, or an athlete, or an inanimate rock? The athlete's stomp will hurt more than the child's stomp, and a rock will hurt more or less depending on the mass and speed of the rock when it hits your foot, but unless the thing your hit with is as light as a feather, you'll still feel something.
Personally I did felt annoyed at first but then amused to the end. His response, however, reminded me of times I was bullied. When I showed nonchalance and looked strong, people started to yell at me, make rumors about me being psychopathic, tell me how much they hated me, etc.
It was projection he did at the end, but your perspective provides a new view. I would have ended the convo simply because it was a waste of time but then seeing your quote, "Why should you care? How important is this person?" Has placed some gems on this website. I don't know if you watch game of throne but ut reminds me of the quote that power and status is like a shadow on the wall. Ever changing and only legit if the person approves. Your post made me think of how many people we unnecessarily give power to because they try to force hierarchy by interacting with us through condescension and insults. Turns out that most of us are pretty much nobodies unless someone agrees. Plus not every open mouth should be listened to and we have that choice.
"Why should I care?" So simple yet we forget all the time.