Red Flags Of a Narcopath

Explaining why a "narcopath" is not a thing...

Photo by Dawid Małecki on Unsplash

How many times in recent years has the term “narcopath” made its appearance when people are trying to ascribe the behaviors of narcissistic personality disorder to psychopaths? Unfortunately, this is frequent, and the number of articles and websites that are out there to make this connection are numerous. It is time to debunk this narrative because it isn’t going to go away on its own.

A narcopath has been the term adopted by folks that do not understand psychopathy, ASPD, or narcissistic personality disorder. What it basically translates to be is a person with NPD who also has antisocial traits. Because the folks that write articles like this do not understand the vast difference between psychopathy and ASPD, nor do they understand that anyone can be diagnostically antisocial, they create nonsensical terms like narcopath. In reality, they are describing a malignant narcissist, or someone with MNPD. They can be very damaging to another human being, and they can also have deep sadistic traits. They, however, are not psychopathic at all.

Today we will be looking at this article:

RED FLAGS OF A PSYCHOPATH

Psychopaths aren’t capable of love. But that doesn’t stop them from involving unsuspecting people in false romantic relationships that have devastating consequences.

Ooo, we’re off to a great start, aren’t we? Psychopaths cannot feel love, all right, that part we can agree on. Psychopaths can’t feel love, as chemical love is oxytocin-based, we don’t process it, which makes this statement factually
correct. If only it would have stayed in the realm of reality, but it quickly descends into the same crackpot illusions about psychopathy.

“But that doesn’t stop them from involving unsuspecting people in false romantic relationships that have devastating consequences.”

Why?

No seriously, why? Why would a psychopath bother with this if they cannot feel love? The only way this sentence makes sense is if you are seeing it through the lens that love as a feeling is valuable to that psychopath, but why would it be?

I have never felt chemical love. I have seen it plenty, but can’t feel it. I also have no interest in experiencing love, as it looks a mess to me. What about chemical love would appeal to a psychopath? The only reason that people apply this idea to psychopaths is that it is the only way that they understand the world. They then apply this to their interpretation of psychopathy. The main issue with that is that they will never have an understanding of psychopathy.

Spot the early red flags of a psychopath to avoid the serious harm they will inevitably bring to you and your life. None of the signs on the list below can stand on its own, but together they paint an overall picture that serves as a warning you should heed. 

This should be fun.

He or she is incredibly charming, in exactly the way YOU find charming.

Hoooowwww… would they know this. Are we psychic now? Is that how we divine what it is that you find charming? Or is it just that you find things charming that 99% of the rest of the world also finds charming. Maybe this is less about them, and more about you when it comes to what you find appealing.

Need someone confident, outgoing and warm? The psychopath can do that. Need someone sensitive and a bit bumbling, but with a heart of gold? He can do that, too.

Psychopaths are confident. This isn’t done for your benefit. It’s just how we are naturally. If you think that this has anything to do with you then you might want to stop looking in the mirror and actually consider that there may be something else there than a focus on you. I get it, you like yourself a lot, but confidence in psychopathy is hardwired. It isn’t there because they are trying to get over on you.

This charm causes you — his target — to fall under his spell while he focuses intensely on you. His focus is very pleasing to the mind and senses, and it disables your personal boundaries, your gut instincts and your self-protective behavior (just when you need them most). It induces a trance-like sate — a pleasant, relaxed and focused state of mind that leaves you open to suggestion. You will find yourself wanting to be back in the focus of his potent charm again and again. This superhuman charm is often one of the first and ONLY early red flags of a psychopath, and it is exactly what makes it hard to walk away.

Oh good lord. You’re kidding… right? You have to be. This is such a load of hyperbolic nonsense that I am not sure that this article isn’t written to troll people. Is this an excerpt out of the romance novel you’re working on? It has to be something, because it can’t be serious…

Psychopaths are charming. Why is that?

1. No fear. This makes for a good portion of charm, but it isn’t everything. You can have someone with no fear be a d*ck, but in the cases of psychopathic charm what it translates to very comfortable in any situation. When someone is relaxed and can talk to anyone, people are attracted to that, and that pretty well summarizes all psychopaths.

2. Confidence. I already mentioned this, but confidence is attractive. Again, it isn’t a show for you. In fact, if there would be a show, it would be hiding that confidence and seeming like they have some fears or insecurities that actually don’t exist.

3. We let you talk about you. Believe it or not, that is extremely attractive to people. I let people talk to me, and I listen to them, and I don’t ask questions. What this communicates to the individual is that I am interested in them and their life. They probably do not feel heard most of the time, and when they have someone that they can just go on and on with, and the focus is entirely on them. People love this.
   
   It is basically just allowing their own need to talk about themselves to take over the conversation. What they do not understand is that I do not want to talk about myself. I am an intensely private person and have no interest whatsoever in having a stranger know anything about me. Because they are so consumed with talking about themselves, they don’t even notice that they leave without knowing anything about me. That’s how I like it.

If us allowing you to talk about you makes you fall into a trancelike state that you can’t break free from… that might be something to think about. The other psychopath that I know does exactly the same thing.

This charm stems from the psychopath’s ability to be completely present as they focus on you while they figure out what makes you tick, what flattery you long to hear, and what buttons to push.

Here’s a thought, and bear with me, it is a very out-there concept… you could just not talk to us. That’s an option. Not one that people frequently take, I’ll grant you that, but it is an option that is possible to consider. I promise you, we will be fine with it if you decide not to download your entire life story into our heads.

You’ll feel like the two of you are the only things in the universe, and that you’ve finally find someone who appreciates you and understands you and sees the good qualities in you that others overlook too often.

You know something? The psychopath is not part of the universe that you are imagining. By your own admission:

This charm stems from the psychopath’s ability to be completely present as they focus on you while they figure out what makes you tick, what flattery you long to hear, and what buttons to push.

you are only talking about yourself. This is evident by the fact that you claim that they are intensely focused on you, figuring out how you think. That doesn’t happen without you running your mouth. You are the only person in that universe. You are talking about yourself and enjoying the fact someone is listening to you. That is all about you. Coming and going, that is entirely about you.

He or she is very much at ease; he may have a demeanor of being anxiety-free and without any social awkwardness. Absolutely comfortable in his own skin. His ease puts you at ease — you feel comfortable with him, like the two of you have known each other forever.

This is true. People do feel this way with us, and we would prefer that they didn’t. As much as it is fascinating hearing all about how you were bullied as a child because you wore braces and that is why your teeth are so straight now (even though you didn’t wear your retainer), I could have lived my whole life comfortably and happy without that information. But you’re going to tell me anyway. Lucky me.

Yes, we are always comfortable in any setting. It isn’t an invitation, but certainly, that is not how other people see it. Just because we somehow can make our at-ease demeanor contagious, that isn’t us inviting you to join us at our table. Again, that is about you, not us.

He’s not necessarily attention-grabbing or the life of the party, but he is very socially skilled. May come across as unassuming and soft-spoken while still maintaining a distinct aura of confidence and presence. Especially watch for someone who exudes a black-leather toughness and a childlike innocence at the same time.

Oh my stars and garters, the “black leather toughness” makes its appearance again. Yay us…

Yes, we have no interest in being the center of attention. You’re already here, bothering us, and we were just sitting here having a glass of wine. Can you imagine what would happen if we actually did something to draw attention? There would be a line halfway out the door, because me just being me somehow translates to “free therapist at table four”. Bugger off, would you kindly?

He or she is a glib, smooth talker. Never runs out of amusing anecdotes, and can make the most mundane topics seem interesting and entertaining. He does most of the talking most of the time. The purpose of this is to relax you and make you comfortable with him.

This is nonsensical. You just said two minutes ago that he is listening to you talk to figure out what makes you tick. You remember that, right? We were all here for it. Did you suffer a head injury and then come back to finish your article? I don’t know how you broke your own narrative so quickly, but here we are.

Do I have interesting anecdotes? Sure, but you’re not going to hear them. They are reserved for situations in which there is a benefit to me telling them. You continuing to share my presence is not one of them. Are you a gatekeeper? A gatekeeper is someone that has access to something that I want. Trust me, a mate has never been on the list of “something that I want”. If one comes across that I enjoy being around, cool. We can work that out between us, but we don’t need others. There is no drive to have another person around. We aren’t like you in that regard. We are perfectly happy on our own. A mate can be fun, interesting, and entertaining, but they aren’t necessary.

By the way, you might want to either reread what you wrote in a previous paragraph before writing the next one, because you first claimed that you feel totally relaxed and at ease with this person just by their sheer presence, then state that this person is going to employ specific tactics to make you feel such. That is contradictory. You are either already at ease, and believe me, we are very aware when that happens, or you don’t know what you are talking about. Truth has a consistent narrative. So far, this does not.

He or she will quickly divulge personal details and stories about his past and his life. This will create a false sense of intimacy that causes you to reciprocate with details about your own life so it seems like you two are getting close. After all, you’ve both shared personal things; you’ve both risked judgement and rejection by being vulnerable, yet you’ve supported and accepted each other…

Oh good lord no. This is never going to happen. Psychopaths do not trust people. Strike that, we are incapable of trust. No oxytocin processing means no chemical trust. We literally cannot experience it. No psychopath is going to give you information about themselves unless absolutely necessary when you meet them, and likely for a very long time after that. If you ask, you will get vague information if anything at all.

Also, we don’t have to do anything to get you to talk about yourself, as you yourself mentioned above. We just sit there, and you use us as your personal diary. Super fun for us… Note sarcasm.

He or she is fun-loving and fun to be with. Playful. You have never had so much fun with anyone. You do things you never did before, just little adventures that take you away from the mundane, and you realize how small and boring your life had become, and how stale the world had seemed. You’ve come back to life, and you didn’t even know you needed to. Or maybe you did know it, and now along comes the perfect person to help you do it!

Sooo…. because we don’t like being bored, and you tag along on one of the things that we do, that’s a red flag? How? How exactly does us living our lives as we like to do make it a red flag for you? You could do interesting stuff. No one is stopping you. I promise you, if you call the local airport they can direct you to a skydiving school. Our presence is unnecessary for you to spice your life up. Just because we enjoy the life that we are granted doesn’t mean that is a red flag. Also, I know tons of super fun neurotypicals. Maybe you should get out more. Just a suggestion.

He or she claims to be a happy, easy going person, and he sure seems like one. He may tell you nothing gets him down. Since a psychopath has no conscience and no anxiety it’s probably true, but you’ll see it in a different way and just be happy you haven’t ended up with yet another neurotic mate weighed down by a crapload of emotional baggage.

Nope. Not claim, are. I know, it pisses a lot of neurotypicals off that our lives are carefree. It creates a lot of jealousy. I get that. Also, not a red flag if a person is free of concern and worry. It would be a red flag if they said, I don’t worry about anything. Especially when my victims are screaming out their last breath. That would be a red flag. Us being naturally us? Again, not a red flag.

He or she is a very active person who is always on the go. He needs a lot of stimulation and can’t tolerate boredom, so he can’t stand being alone or sitting still.

Uhhh… no. I like my downtime. I like doing stuff during my downtime, but I do not feel the need to have a packed schedule. I never have. Sometimes it is, sometimes it’s not. I don’t like boredom, sure, but boredom can be alleviated by watching things, playing video games, reading, listening to things, or doing all of those things at once, and yes, I do that. I am not, however, always on the go. That sounds more like someone avoiding dealing with things, not a psychopath.

A psychopath is easily bored, but seldom boring.

Isn’t that, again… more about you?

You feel very special in his presence and feel that he’s very special, fascinating and unique, and not like anyone you’ve known before.

Again, what does that have to do with us? You are the one in charge of who you meet. Not us.

You find yourself becoming deeply enamored with him very quickly, in a way you haven’t previously experienced. You’ll attribute this to his specialness and the specialness of the relationship you believe is forming.

You being enamored with someone is again… about you. Not them. Why you are making it out that it is us that is deciding your emotional experience, I have no idea.

He looks at you in a way no man has before; he keeps his eyes on you and gives you his complete attention. It feels flattering and seductive. You have never before felt so beautiful, handsome or sexy. You feel very good about yourself in his presence. Your insecurities about your attractiveness and likeability vanish as if they never existed.

It is unfortunate that you haven’t had people around you that listen to you. I would listen, largely because it works in my favor to let you feel that you are heard, and also because I have no interest in filling out the conversation with my personal information. I get that being heard makes you feel good about yourself, but that speaks more to the normative human condition than it does the other person being a psychopath.

Another reason that people feel this way in the presence of a psychopath is that there is no judgment. We do not have any interest in picking you apart and looking for your flaws so we can point them out. This can be very annoying for friends of mine, because they will ask me if they have gained weight, but I do not notice these things. They do not register as important to me.

You have become intensely physically attracted to him or her, more than you have ever felt with anyone else or even knew was possible.

Again… how is this about the other person. I can’t make you do anything. I might be able to influence you, but that takes effort. So far in this meeting so wrought in red flags, this psychopath has sat there listening to you intently but simultaneously is dominating the conversation with witty anecdotes and compliments apparently. This does not work. The person either is letting you talk, and you be heard so you feel good about yourself, or they won’t shut up, but woes you with amazing stories, and showering compliments like they are going out of style. Pick one, you cannot have both. If someone can make you fall madly in love with them by just sitting there and letting you ramble for three hours, that is again, a ‘you’ issue.

If you meet at some sort of a group setting, such as a dance class, he will give you the bulk of his time and attention. You’ll feel like the two of you are the only ones in the room.

The only type of “dance class” you can be referring to are the ones that singles go to to meet new people and learn something like ballroom dancing. This is not an event a psychopath is going to be at unless dragged there by someone that apparently doesn’t like us very much. There is no need for us to meet others. This sort of thing is a thing that people that want to meet others would go. I have no idea who you met at the dance class, but it wasn’t one of us.

He or she showers you with attention and affection. You’ll go on frequent romantic dates and spend a lot of time together. You’ll get plenty of phone calls, emails and text messages. He’ll be kind, considerate and complimentary. You may feel truly “appreciated” by a someone for the first time in your life. It’s all positive reinforcement all the time during this early stage. You will not feel neglected in any way at this point. He always has or makes time for you. Although things may seem unusually intense, it will just convince you that this is the best relationship you’ve ever had and that he is your perfect partner. This stage is known as love-bombing. The manipulator will saturate you in as many ways possible with love and adoration, so you don’t have a moment to come up for air. There will be many verbal declarations of appreciation and of their feelings about you and all your wonderful qualities, and amazement at all the things you have in common or at how lucky you both are to have found each other. You’ll believe it’s the best thing that ever happened to you, so you won’t even suspect you’re being played.

ERROR BUZZER

Incorrect. Psychopaths do not love bomb. I see now you have no idea who you are talking about. This is a tactic that is used by some people with NPD. It directly relates to NPD and how they experience the world. This has to do with their internal ego dysfunction which psychopaths do not have. Also, psychopaths cannot have NPD. It is a literal impossibility.

In a relationship with a psychopath, you may end up dealing with more absence than you were anticipating. I can see this causing emotional distress, because you might think that it has to do with you, but in reality, a psychopath doesn’t need you, and when you aren’t present you really aren’t thought about. We don’t have the wiring for it. When we aren’t around you we are thinking about ourselves and what we want to do. You don’t come into that picture.

If you call and want to do something, that something might be more interesting than what we were doing. When we are around you, we likely will have fun. If we didn’t, there wouldn’t be any reason to continue. Once the fun is over, however, we aren’t longing to repeat it. There is no emotional coding to our memories, so whatever we did was fun in the moment, but now it’s just an event.

He divulges his “true” feelings for you very quickly, telling you he loves you and has never experienced such love and attraction before or that he never thought he’d fall in love again. And lo and behold, that’s exactly how you feel! Your days of unrequited love are finally over. The relationship will feel…magical. You’re finally experiencing what it means to have found your soul mate, even if you didn’t believe that soul mates existed. The manipulator may even tell you he believes you’re “soul mates” or say “isn’t this magic?” or tell you that you “must have known each other in a past life.” You’ll feel that you never even knew what love was before. You may have only known him for a month, but you’re certain you’ll be together forever. Believing someone is your soul mate is, unfortunately, one of the biggest red flags of a psychopath. Since they’re able to mirror your needs and desires perfectly, they’re able create the persona (or mask) of your perfect mate, but it’s all an illusion.

Nope. Again, this is NPD she is talking about. Psychopaths do not have “soul mates”, and none of us are mistakenly thinking that you are the “ONE”. You are either cool to be around and improve on our preferred state of solitude when you are around, or you aren’t. What you are not is someone that we are going to tell that they are the person that we have been waiting for, we won’t be asking you to marry us, and we certainly aren’t pretending that we have some “true” feelings for you.

I have had exes do this to me because they thought I would be flattered. That is the fastest way to make one of us take the exit. Try and create the illusion of the fairytale romance. We aren’t wired for the lie.

Believing someone is your soul mate is, unfortunately, one of the biggest red flags of a psychopath.

No, that is the biggest red flag that you are gullible and not too smart. It has nothing to do with psychopathy. If you think that some knight in shining armor is coming for you, do some ‘me’ work, would you? This is not the basis for a healthy relationship. If you get tripped up on feelings that are too good to be true, you are the one lying to yourself. Let me be clear, again, the behaviors in the last several paragraphs describe NPD, not psychopathy, but that isn’t an excuse for falling for it.

People with NPD do this sort of thing because they are caught in a cycle of their own making. I’m not even certain that they are aware of this cycle that they are engaging in. You, on the outside bear responsibility for falling for this garbage. I know that isn’t a popular opinion, but it’s the truth. Why would you ever think that something so magical in unbelievable was believable?

Would you believe it if someone was selling you a Ferrari for $1500.00? No. Why, because no one is that dumb. They immediately sniff out the scam. Why is romance any different? Too good to be true is reality in almost every case. Just because it makes you feel good doesn’t mean that you are any less foolish.

If you’ve gotten this far, there’s a good chance the psychopath has already created the strong bond (the psychopathic bond) that is the necessary foundation for the manipulation and abuse that follows. The only thing that can stop it is the awareness of the chance your soul mate might not be who you think he is, and this awareness may help you retain your abilities to see clearly and think critically.

Oh my, I looked at the psychopathic bond article, and it is very clear that this person has no idea what they are talking about. I will do a future post about the habits of some people that have NPD, and how it contrasts with psychopathy, but take my word (or don’t and read it yourself) that entire article is about NPD. None of this paragraph has anything to do with psychopathy.

Although it appears the psychopath is in love with you and you’re experiencing the most romantic time of your life, this isn’t the case at all. Psychopaths are incapable of feeling love, and the only thing they want you for is self-gratification.

What self-gratification are you talking about woman? Are you so self-involved that you think that you are a prize that a psychopath can’t resist? Sorry to break it to you, but you aren’t. A psychopath can find plenty of people to sleep with if that is what they are after. Otherwise, what would this self-gratification be? You said yourself we don’t feel love, and congratulations on that, you finally got one thing right. Seriously, through a part, I was starting to think that it was statistically impossible for you, but you have this idea that psychopaths have some sort of payoff from this behavior that you are ascribing to us, but you have not made a single point supporting your argument.

So how can you tell the difference? It seems like the love story you’ve been longing for all your life, and actually it’s far better than anything you imagined. You probably won’t be able to tell the difference unless you’ve experienced it before. After all, why would you ever think to question something so wonderful? It would never cross your mind to do so, until you become aware of the possibility that all may not be as it appears. That’s what you’re doing right now — developing that awareness.

Here’s a thought, as controversial as it may be, stop looking for fairytale nonsense. It isn’t real. It is fantasy. What’s more, it doens’t proclaim itself to be accurate. Thus why it is called a fairytale. There is a nonexistent creature in the title for God’s sake. Seriously, stop trying to live in some fantasy world and maybe you won’t be so ripe for the picking by people with NPD. I can pretty well guarantee you that you have never met a psychopath. You have no idea what we are like, how we think, or what our motivations are. You are insisting on living in a world of your own making, and that has nothing to do with reality.

Here are some ideas that may help you avoid involvement with a psychopath:

Take any new relationship slowly, especially an intense one. Control the pace, as opposed to letting the other person control it. Know what you want from a relationship so you don’t become obliviously sucked into following someone else’s agenda (this will help you much more in later stages). Be leery of someone who gets serious quickly. How can someone love you deeply and know they want to be with you forever if they barely know you? That’s often the mark of superficiality, which is in direct contrast from what it may look like. There is no rush. Time is the only thing that will reveal a person’s true character. Time is your friend.

Holy crap, she got something right again. Yes, with all relationships take it slow. That should just be common sense knowledge. This is not just the case with someone with NPD, but everyone.

Develop clear boundaries, and defend them. Be aware of a person who is able to make you disregard those boundaries, even if you believe you’re the one doing it. Boundaries do not isolate you from others — they only protect you from manipulative people who do not respect you or have your best interests at heart (to say the least). They let the good in while keeping the bad out. If you don’t have boundaries, please don’t start any new relationships until you do. Boundaries protect you and all that you value. To develop your boundaries, read a good book on the subject. I wrote one especially for us. 

Again true, and if she had written this article on toxic manipulators in general, with a side not on NPD, I would say that this article has good points. However, she addressed it to psychopaths, and that makes it wildly inaccurate. There are reasons to not be in a relationship with a psychopath, and I am working on a series about that now. Believe me, there are many things that can make a relationship with a psychopath very hard and very hurtful to a neurotypical. Because of writings like this, it seems that it is a necessary series. It is time for the facts about why relationships with psychopaths can be extremely difficult.