Discussion about this post

User's avatar
Doso's avatar

Nice read. As a sensitive soul, I'd like to add an additional piece of advice to the more sensitive souls out there who are still struggling with this issue:

If you can't bring yourself to say "No" because it feels rude, try saying "No, thankyou!" It's all about good manners. :-)

Expand full comment
MC's avatar

Well this is a valuable post, because really, us neurotypicals need some more of that, and my own history with 'boundaries' is pretty confused.

It is fantastic that you had, through your friend, an opportunity to interact closely with deeply traumatised neurotypicals. It's a gift that keeps on giving as your retrospective understanding grows.

Basically, my own experience is that while I am by innate temperament uncompromising and self protective, I am, by emotion, sometimes reduced to pathetic weakness. As an infant, I was apparently wilfull and said 'no' to everything, and not randomly, but because I had my own ideas, however babyish, and I expresed them clearly, because I was verbal early. This was not properly channelled, my upbringing was difficult. The upshot is that as an adult I have little trouble saying no to people who are not part of my emotional landscape, I couldn't gaf really, I understand the psycopath indifference. But I am stupidly accommodating to people I have an emotional investment in. To the point of moulding my whole personality and comportment. Well, now that I have identified this shamefully recently, it is stopping!

When you are brought up as a possession, basically owned, it is hard to draw boundaries. Some of the first boundaries I drew as a teenager were regarding my then eating disorder, which is of course pathological, but you have to start somewhere I guess.

I should say that I have not in my life been practically or financially exploited, my take on this is purely in the emotional sphere. Yes, it's true, sometimes our illusions are the only thing standing between us an unbearable pain. If we recognise the Illusions, there is the possibility of being courageous and breaking free. But if we don't recognise them for what they are, what then?

You are so right saying that for the most part, people don't have any intention towards you at all. They're just winging it, unthunk. And that a "no" is not a personal indictment. Is it possible, though, that your 'no' is neutral, but that the 'no' of a neurotypical really does carry more baggage and therefore cannot be interpreted neutrally? I don't know.

Expand full comment
21 more comments...

No posts