Self Blame

Understanding your own role in bad events that happen

Let this be a warning to you. This post will cover some difficult topics, which might be upsetting. Let me also say that it is an important post, and avoiding it might shield you from that discussion, but the information is important, so perhaps give it a try.

You know I am a big believer in personal responsibility. However, there are things that people will take onto themselves and believe that they are responsible for when there was nothing that they could have done. When bad things happen there are going to be a lot of things to sort through even if you aren’t the type to take on extra self-blame. You don’t need to add to the list, yet people do.

A while back on Quora I commented on someone’s answer that I had read. As it is still on Quora, I will provide that answer here:

What is something you secretly regret?

I was 18 and scared to death. I had just signed up for the military and I was now in the huge Federal Building to take the physical and all the other tests. I was alone, my recruiter had pretty much just dropped me off, telling me he would pick me up in several hours.

All I remember are great bunches of people, mostly men, very busily going about their business in the huge entrance auditorium. I felt smaller than an atom.

But then I found the elevator that my recruiter had earlier pointed out and I got in, telling the elevator attendant which floor I needed to go to. I had my purse slung over one shoulder and a small stack of papers in my other hand. Everything smelled so musty, yet so modern and new. It was a strange feeling. The elevator seemed almost like a large room.

The elevator attendant pushed my floor number and then as the doors swooshed shut, he almost instantly turned to face me, then walked over to stand right next to me. In a second, his hands were all over me, deliberately and forcefully. I was beyond shocked, confused and so taken aback I couldn't even think, I was almost beyond all feeling. But I also felt terrible rage and anger, and as soon as the elevator reached my floor, he stopped mid-feel and walked back over to his original position. As if nothing had happened. The elevator doors opened. There was a busy hallway full of people in front of me. I was dazed, I felt almost raped and yet had absolutely no idea what to do about it. It happened so quickly, and then it was over. I had never had anyone feel of me like that. I felt something deep and horrible that I had never felt before in my life; I felt VIOLATED. I walked off the elevator and followed the signs to get to where I needed to be. I knew my walk was crooked and unsure. WHY DIDN’T I FIGHT BACK?? WHY DIDN’T I SCREAM NO?? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT GUY??

I never, ever knew people existed in the world that were like that. I quickly figured out he must have done this countless times before to other girls, and I was one of many, many. He was very practiced.

I wondered what I should do? Tell someone in authority? I knew the man would go on like this forever until someone got the guts to turn him in.

I had no guts. I was scared, confused and alone and felt totally out of my element. In deep mortal shame, I told no one.

I deeply regret that I missed being able to save countless other young girls from being violated in the same way. Somehow, I got through it, but someone else might have been traumatized for life. I am so ashamed that I never told anyone.

This is the first time I have ever told this, I have been too ashamed/ embarrassed all my life for making such a critical error. I am so deeply sorry to all those other girls who received the same treatment from that one man. I could've stopped him, but I was too afraid to . I will never live down that regret and shame.

This is a very unfortunate event. It’s terrible for anyone to go through, and there is certainly emotional damage that it will cause. However, shame, because she didn’t act, should not be a part of this. This is an unnecessary burden that she does not need to take upon herself, but all too often, people do.

I have heard many stories where this is the case. Something bad happens and the person takes on blame that doesn’t belong to them. Logically I can defeat these feelings when they tell me about these things, but all too often this sort of mental process where the person excoriates themselves occurs.

I rarely comment on anything, this is one of the rare occasions. It was a simple response:

Shock freezes many people, and more will lack the voice to even tell the tale later. You have nothing to regret. His actions never reflect on you as a person. Not then, not now.

She wrote back:

This is so very important for me to realize this. I have carried this heavy burden for so long!

Thank you for commenting; it truly means more than the world to me!!

To which I replied:

You are quite welcome. People expect themselves to be superheroes in these situations and criticize themselves for not responding how they imagined.

You walked away. You are physically whole. Your body wasn’t found in the woods. You aren’t currently being stalked. These are all triumphs, and all the negative sides are unfortunately real possibilities. You did well. Never criticize yourself for having the ability to walk away from something that is an absolute violation.

This is not me taking the opportunity to say, “look how wonderful I am”. Instead, this is to point out how much this weighed on her, and she needn’t feel that way.

On several occasions, I have spoken to victims of rape who feel tremendous shame for not fighting back. They truly believe that they should have, and that might have been able to defend themselves from a very violent and dangerous man. To them I ask a single question:

“Have you ever wrestled a man?”

To which the answer has invariably been no. If they had, they would understand what I do. I have wrestled men, and I don’t mean play wrestling. I have spent hours literally being thrown to a mat when trying to get the upper hand with a guy that was teaching me martial arts moves.

I have had another martial artist want to teach me what I would have to do to have any chance of actually preventing someone from sexually assaulting me.

I have had my Significant Other capture both my wrists in one hand and effectively hold them without me being able to free myself because I wanted to know if I could. I can’t.

I have no problem allowing myself to be thrown around and learning where my limitations are. Most people do not have these experiences, but men are more likely to have them with other men, and not a lot of women will actually go full force with a man to see what that is like. If they did, they would know that survival is something to celebrate if you go through a terrible situation. There is no need to feel shame.

Because they don’t have this experience they are under the impression that they had the ability to fight back and succeed in doing so. They don’t. Men are much stronger than women, and even men that are comparable in size will outmatch a female physically, and women should know this. I cannot count how many times I have had this conversation where there is unwarranted shame for something that isn’t their fault.

Physical assault is not the only place that this applies. Children that have been emotionally abused and are angry at themselves for how much it affected them then, and now.

People that were in a terrible accident, and they were the only survivor.

People that saw something awful but were unable to help.

Families of a person that committed suicide but the person gave them no sign.

Why carry the guilt for things that you cannot do anything about? You have enough to deal with. What you need to work through if you have been in these circumstances is probably going to be hard, so don’t add to it by thinking that if you had just done “this” everything will be fine.

It’s okay that there are things that are outside of your control, and instead of these things eating away at you, try to put them into perspective, like the woman above. How long did she need to live with the shame of something that had nothing to do with her? Way too long, and for no reason. Her attacker belongs under the prison, and she has no reason to carry his sin on her shoulders.

When something happens to you, you don’t have to look for every single way you can possibly make it your fault. Are there ways you contributed to it? Sure, maybe, but be reasonable about what you are going to hold against yourself. What should she have done differently that would have prevented what happened? Nothing, and she shouldn’t have had to suffer any more than she already did.

How stooped will your back become from carrying all those heavy burdens that belong to other people?

*To be clear, women rape too, and can be very violent and vicious abusers. There is certainly a whole host of shame and guilt felt by their victims as well that does not belong to them. I used the example of a man because of my personal experience that can bring clarity to their situation.