This is an important post. People often take the burden of responsibility in threatening situations - not just because of a trauma response - but because many of us would rather believe that we have control to change a frightening situation (and blame ourselves) rather than accept the reality that we did not have control, and may not have control again. Survival means accepting our limitations and fighting within them, which most people are too intimidated to face.
Sep 7, 2022·edited Sep 7, 2022Liked by Athena Walker
Lovely article. Your response was so empathetic towards this lady. It's pleasantly surprising to read such an empathetic response. To add it all up, if the lady would have shared her story, there could have been more people who would have probably told her that she should have dressed properly to avoid this encounter altogether, adding to more guilt and shame. It's the best she could have done and so she did.
"Men are much stronger than women, and even men that are comparable in size will outmatch a female physically, and women should know this."
So true! Yet it is by and large politcally incorrect to state this nowadays (or to even suggest that there are meaningful biological differences between men and women). If one were to go only by Hollywood, even the tiniest wisp of a woman could defeat the largest of men with nothing more than gumption and the right training. It does women everywhere a disservice and contributes to that false sense of guilt for not being able to successfully fight back against a bigger, stronger opponent.
I've heard it said that the average 14-year-old boy is bigger, taller, and stronger than his mother. I don't know whether that is factually correct, but I can say that my brothers were floored at the size of the 14-year-old boys in my daughter's class. My 5'6", 100 lb. daughter wouldn't stand a chance against any of them in a fight.
Excellent piece -- as always. Thank you, Athena. Reinforcing that women (in most cases or anyone) should not feel shame in these situations, is critical to their well-being and it helps to hear it again and again if needed.
Excellent article! Living in one of the crime capitals of the world, I know women who have been assaulted and held up at gun-point or knife-point. They do not feel shame for the obvious reason that they were undeniably powerless. What can't be underestimated is the PTSD that they have experienced, some still reliving it 20 years later. I think that the lady you helped is battling with her own PTSD. After coming to terms with the fact that she was powerless, she may still need to get help to manage the trauma.
Absolutely as realistic as it gets, there isn't a word in this I could argue even if there was a million dollars in front of us as the incentive.
I'd like to add that I think over the long run, women are far better at handling this (and many others) sort of traumatic experience, as long as they survive it, than men.
I know that sounds overly generalized.
But for all our physical advantages, men break easier than women.
I would like to ask a question if I may, feel free of course to ignore it:
In these circumstances, the above ones, how do you think you might have reacted to the event? I know it's maybe an impossible "what if".
This article strikes a nerve for me personally. It was cathartic to read because I can relate to the experience of the person you wrote about. I find it suprising that a person who says they are a psychopath can write this. You sure have learned a great deal about people and it would make me afraid of you using your insight against me :)
I enjoyed reading that article. Everybody go through bad situations but we often blame ourselves for things beyond our control.
But what about gray situations, Athena? What if we are talking about a woman who went through sexual harassment at work for months and blamed herself for feeling too scared to fight back? Or someone who went through bullying? Abusive relationships?
I believe people in these situations are not guilty of what is happening, but there are still things they can do or they could have done. However, emotions like fear can be very hard to manage.
I've personally never experienced self blame past a realization that I did a dumb thing.
I've practiced martial arts for most of my life and I can look back and see that what 16 year old me who was short and slender and very cute was able to do and the sorts of predators I attracted was entirely different from what 25 year old me who was lifting weights and training regularly would and did do.
The young woman in the account may have had options but it wouldn't have looked at all like Black Widow successfully executing a flying head scissors on a man who'd have just caught and held her instead of being throw. I could see a scenario where the elevator door opens to the sight of the attendant flopping around making blood angels on the floor. Going to bullet or blade in those circumstances will get you into more trouble than it can get you out of
Thank you so very much for sharing this. A few years ago I was raped and every single day I feel like it was my fault. It turned my world upside down. I did therapy, but felt that only made things worse because I had to keep talking about it yet nothing was being accomplished. But as I was reading your post it felt almost like this lightbulb went off immediately and now I’m like… she is so freaking right. I didn’t ask for that to happen and it isn’t my fault. It’s a crappy thing that it did happen but when you think about it, why should I be scared and changing my life every day because of something that I didn’t even ask to happen to me? You just made this incredible weight lifted from me. Other people have told me similar things but not in the way that you worded everything. So I thank you from the bottom of my heart because now I feel like I can live my life and move on to the next chapter.
Often, "knowing one's weaknesses" turns out to be less about self-awareness and more about self-flagellation. Self-awareness is akin to taking responsibility and looking at understanding oneself in order to improve one's life, whereas self-blaming is mostly just calling oneself a "bad person" because [reasons].
This is an important post. People often take the burden of responsibility in threatening situations - not just because of a trauma response - but because many of us would rather believe that we have control to change a frightening situation (and blame ourselves) rather than accept the reality that we did not have control, and may not have control again. Survival means accepting our limitations and fighting within them, which most people are too intimidated to face.
Lovely article. Your response was so empathetic towards this lady. It's pleasantly surprising to read such an empathetic response. To add it all up, if the lady would have shared her story, there could have been more people who would have probably told her that she should have dressed properly to avoid this encounter altogether, adding to more guilt and shame. It's the best she could have done and so she did.
"Men are much stronger than women, and even men that are comparable in size will outmatch a female physically, and women should know this."
So true! Yet it is by and large politcally incorrect to state this nowadays (or to even suggest that there are meaningful biological differences between men and women). If one were to go only by Hollywood, even the tiniest wisp of a woman could defeat the largest of men with nothing more than gumption and the right training. It does women everywhere a disservice and contributes to that false sense of guilt for not being able to successfully fight back against a bigger, stronger opponent.
I've heard it said that the average 14-year-old boy is bigger, taller, and stronger than his mother. I don't know whether that is factually correct, but I can say that my brothers were floored at the size of the 14-year-old boys in my daughter's class. My 5'6", 100 lb. daughter wouldn't stand a chance against any of them in a fight.
Excellent piece -- as always. Thank you, Athena. Reinforcing that women (in most cases or anyone) should not feel shame in these situations, is critical to their well-being and it helps to hear it again and again if needed.
Athena your response was beautifully articulate and extremely compassionate. I have been here. Thank you 🌹
Excellent article! Living in one of the crime capitals of the world, I know women who have been assaulted and held up at gun-point or knife-point. They do not feel shame for the obvious reason that they were undeniably powerless. What can't be underestimated is the PTSD that they have experienced, some still reliving it 20 years later. I think that the lady you helped is battling with her own PTSD. After coming to terms with the fact that she was powerless, she may still need to get help to manage the trauma.
Am very glad you were able to help the victim Athena. This is another great article. I do have a question; why did you think it may be disturbing?
Absolutely as realistic as it gets, there isn't a word in this I could argue even if there was a million dollars in front of us as the incentive.
I'd like to add that I think over the long run, women are far better at handling this (and many others) sort of traumatic experience, as long as they survive it, than men.
I know that sounds overly generalized.
But for all our physical advantages, men break easier than women.
I would like to ask a question if I may, feel free of course to ignore it:
In these circumstances, the above ones, how do you think you might have reacted to the event? I know it's maybe an impossible "what if".
This was a kick ass post
Another good read and sound advice.
Thank you, Athena, for posting one more article. They really do make my day.
This article strikes a nerve for me personally. It was cathartic to read because I can relate to the experience of the person you wrote about. I find it suprising that a person who says they are a psychopath can write this. You sure have learned a great deal about people and it would make me afraid of you using your insight against me :)
I enjoyed reading that article. Everybody go through bad situations but we often blame ourselves for things beyond our control.
But what about gray situations, Athena? What if we are talking about a woman who went through sexual harassment at work for months and blamed herself for feeling too scared to fight back? Or someone who went through bullying? Abusive relationships?
I believe people in these situations are not guilty of what is happening, but there are still things they can do or they could have done. However, emotions like fear can be very hard to manage.
I especially enjoy articles of yours that are about Life and aren't involved with psychopathy. Of course, do as you please.
I've personally never experienced self blame past a realization that I did a dumb thing.
I've practiced martial arts for most of my life and I can look back and see that what 16 year old me who was short and slender and very cute was able to do and the sorts of predators I attracted was entirely different from what 25 year old me who was lifting weights and training regularly would and did do.
The young woman in the account may have had options but it wouldn't have looked at all like Black Widow successfully executing a flying head scissors on a man who'd have just caught and held her instead of being throw. I could see a scenario where the elevator door opens to the sight of the attendant flopping around making blood angels on the floor. Going to bullet or blade in those circumstances will get you into more trouble than it can get you out of
Thank you so very much for sharing this. A few years ago I was raped and every single day I feel like it was my fault. It turned my world upside down. I did therapy, but felt that only made things worse because I had to keep talking about it yet nothing was being accomplished. But as I was reading your post it felt almost like this lightbulb went off immediately and now I’m like… she is so freaking right. I didn’t ask for that to happen and it isn’t my fault. It’s a crappy thing that it did happen but when you think about it, why should I be scared and changing my life every day because of something that I didn’t even ask to happen to me? You just made this incredible weight lifted from me. Other people have told me similar things but not in the way that you worded everything. So I thank you from the bottom of my heart because now I feel like I can live my life and move on to the next chapter.
Often, "knowing one's weaknesses" turns out to be less about self-awareness and more about self-flagellation. Self-awareness is akin to taking responsibility and looking at understanding oneself in order to improve one's life, whereas self-blaming is mostly just calling oneself a "bad person" because [reasons].