This is an important post. People often take the burden of responsibility in threatening situations - not just because of a trauma response - but because many of us would rather believe that we have control to change a frightening situation (and blame ourselves) rather than accept the reality that we did not have control, and may not have control again. Survival means accepting our limitations and fighting within them, which most people are too intimidated to face.
I totally agree; it's about keeping a sense of control when you did not have control, because that allows you to think, "Well, if this happened again I could do something differently and it would be better" or "If did something different it would prevent it from happening again."
I have my own elevator experience that educated me on this. I felt so stupid. But these days I just think, "Ah, I'm glad something like that hasn't happened again, so far." I mean, sure, it's unlikely the *exact* same situation would happen in the *exact* same way because I wouldn't be taken by surprise in the exact same way. But I could easily be blindsided and frozen by a similar situation. And it still wouldn't be because "I was stupid" or some other nonsense. If a person had made up their mind that they would harass me, it would happen in one way or another.
I wouldn't say most people are "too intimidated to face it" per se, since it can happen such a subconscious level. I don't think people realize the relationship between self-blame and control. Some of it comes from the outside, too; I think most of us can conjure up a voice of somebody they've heard saying "You should have ___" or "Well why didn't you ___?" Somebody who won't admit it could happen to them.
Lovely article. Your response was so empathetic towards this lady. It's pleasantly surprising to read such an empathetic response. To add it all up, if the lady would have shared her story, there could have been more people who would have probably told her that she should have dressed properly to avoid this encounter altogether, adding to more guilt and shame. It's the best she could have done and so she did.
"Men are much stronger than women, and even men that are comparable in size will outmatch a female physically, and women should know this."
So true! Yet it is by and large politcally incorrect to state this nowadays (or to even suggest that there are meaningful biological differences between men and women). If one were to go only by Hollywood, even the tiniest wisp of a woman could defeat the largest of men with nothing more than gumption and the right training. It does women everywhere a disservice and contributes to that false sense of guilt for not being able to successfully fight back against a bigger, stronger opponent.
I've heard it said that the average 14-year-old boy is bigger, taller, and stronger than his mother. I don't know whether that is factually correct, but I can say that my brothers were floored at the size of the 14-year-old boys in my daughter's class. My 5'6", 100 lb. daughter wouldn't stand a chance against any of them in a fight.
Yes, I agree, and I have directly seen this negatively affect women. They have a different idea of their capabilities and because of this they end up in very bad situations that they do not understand are dangerous until they are faced with it, and have very few options of what to do or how to help themselves.
If you think that you can protect yourself and have a stand up fight with anyone, the decisions that you make based on that belief can and do lead to very bad situations. I cannot believe some of the extremely bad decisions that young women have made because they are not aware of the physical power imbalance. It is not good to lie to people and pretend that these differences are not reality. I am working on another post that is about the illusion of safety.
Yeah, I don't think it's healthy the way Hollywood have been portraying women.
I was talking to my husband today about this new trend we see where the female protagonist fighting a man a equal as opposed to a female hero like Mulan who often used her intelligence to compensate her lack in strength
Excellent piece -- as always. Thank you, Athena. Reinforcing that women (in most cases or anyone) should not feel shame in these situations, is critical to their well-being and it helps to hear it again and again if needed.
Excellent article! Living in one of the crime capitals of the world, I know women who have been assaulted and held up at gun-point or knife-point. They do not feel shame for the obvious reason that they were undeniably powerless. What can't be underestimated is the PTSD that they have experienced, some still reliving it 20 years later. I think that the lady you helped is battling with her own PTSD. After coming to terms with the fact that she was powerless, she may still need to get help to manage the trauma.
It is a difficult and terrifying for a lot of people to understand that they are unable to fight back. I think it is a good thing to understand the realistic limitations so they aren't taking on unnecessary baggage to add to the already damaging situation to process.
Absolutely as realistic as it gets, there isn't a word in this I could argue even if there was a million dollars in front of us as the incentive.
I'd like to add that I think over the long run, women are far better at handling this (and many others) sort of traumatic experience, as long as they survive it, than men.
I know that sounds overly generalized.
But for all our physical advantages, men break easier than women.
I would like to ask a question if I may, feel free of course to ignore it:
In these circumstances, the above ones, how do you think you might have reacted to the event? I know it's maybe an impossible "what if".
Well, I don't have the emotions attached to prevent me from acting. I am fairly certain that I could not physically fight the man off, but would likely look for one regardless. Grabbing and twisting the penis is very agonizing, so that, or biting would be my choice.
However, if no opportunity presented itself I would report him. Call the police, the building manager, insist on the cameras being checked assuming that there were any. I somewhat doubt that there were in this case however, as he seemed very comfortable doing this, so he must have assumed a fair degree of plausible deniability, or he was just particularly brazen. Either way, he's getting arrested and I have no problem going through the entire court case. Also, if you go to arraignments, you can often see other people that will be sharing the same living space as he will be until he can post bail. A lot of inmates don't like abusers of women and children.
This, I assume, would be a federal crime as it is in a federal building, but I am not certain about that. He would never hold a federal job again, and his time in jail would be unpleasant. Either he would be in solitary for his protection, which is very hard on most people, or he would be with the other inmates which would be unfortunate for him.
Regarding groin attack, I've come across information that while painful it often times does not put the recipient out of condition. Some guys just get furious and more violent instead of incapacitated. No idea why some collapse like a folding chair and others don't. Beside adrenaline numbing pain receptors, but I've read about these different reaction occuring during calm situation.
Since knives and bullets might be considered inappropriate means compared to the lethality of the attack, pepper spray/tear gas and taser are still options. But once again, tasers are not sure-proof immobilizers. Some dudes just power through it or recover quickly and moment of surprise is over.
Men are like Oak trees. They are strong when the storm blows, but if the wind exceeds a certain threshhold, they fail catastrophically.
Women are like palm trees. When the storm blows, they sway and bend, but when the storm ends, they stand back up again.
This can apparently be seen in how men and women handle catastrophes together. The men are like the firefighters who confront the problems as they are happening. When the men have done their work, they need to rest. But the women then get up and proceed to clear the rubble and get things organised again.
This article strikes a nerve for me personally. It was cathartic to read because I can relate to the experience of the person you wrote about. I find it suprising that a person who says they are a psychopath can write this. You sure have learned a great deal about people and it would make me afraid of you using your insight against me :)
I enjoyed reading that article. Everybody go through bad situations but we often blame ourselves for things beyond our control.
But what about gray situations, Athena? What if we are talking about a woman who went through sexual harassment at work for months and blamed herself for feeling too scared to fight back? Or someone who went through bullying? Abusive relationships?
I believe people in these situations are not guilty of what is happening, but there are still things they can do or they could have done. However, emotions like fear can be very hard to manage.
In the case of sexual harassment, I don't know why that would have anything to do with her. I understand that she might feel that it does, but the reality is that has everything to do with that person, and nothing to do with her. I, of course, would say, covertly record evidence, find a new job, and then sue them for a lot of money. For this to work though, she would have to complain to HR and allow an investigation to done.
Bullying again has nothing to do with that person who is bullied and has everything to do with the bully themselves. I do not ascribe to the thinking that bullies are people with no self confidence. They seem to me to have far too much of it. It is unfortunate, but it is human nature to bully the outsider from what I can tell, especially in younger years.It is wise to remember that this has nothing to do with the victim, and all about the enjoyment of having power over others in the bully.
Abusive relationships are interesting to me. I will assume you mean a relationship where there is truly just one victim in regards to the couple and not a situation where they are violent or nasty to each other. I will also assume that this is a situation in which the person is heavily controlled as that tends to be common with abusers, but is not literally locked inside a dwelling with no way out.
I don't see a reason to find blame in that situation, but I do think that leaving by any means possible and then working through whatever it was that made them stay for as long as they did. Abuse does not usually just start, they lead into it and escalate it as time goes on. They likely have a real need to be loved, and that is not a bad thing, it only becomes bad when that need supersedes their own physical safety. There is a lot to work through there, and it may well come from their own upbringing. Blaming yourself for things that happen rooted in how you were raised is a waste of time, but those things must be addressed or the pattern will continue.
Yes, that's a wise way of thinking. Not sinking in self blame but instead taking action to prevent it from happening again.
It reminds me of your article about victimization (I don't remember the name but that was the subject) and if you think about it... it can be a mental acrobatics for someone to understand you have to accept it wasn't your fault someone did harm on you and there was nothing you could have done, but also accept it doesn't give you a right to complain.
Indeed, addressing the dynamic of "how I learned to cope with" the abuse turned into "how I continued the relationship pattern" as an adult along with "why I wanted to stay in the first place" is TOTALLY ESSENTIAL to emerging from the trauma. And basically, that involves looking at the fundamental question: What am I doing (or what did I do) that *contributes to* my continuing in this situation and/or my continuing distress (NOT *causes* the situation or distress). Which is what this post is all about in the first place. In other words, what *am I* responsible for? AND what *am I NOT* responsible for? Once I'm clear about how my actions have contributed to my distressing situation, I can begin to change both those actions and my distressing situation. Until then, I pretty much have my head in the sand.
Fair enough. It reminds me when someone said "if you step in a hole and break your leg, it's not your fault, but it's your responsibility to deal with this. Will you go to the doctor? Or straight home? Will you take the best effort to heal your leg or ignore it?"
Perhaps because the bully I knew was? (the one in my household called "dad"). My dad needed to control various situations because lacking/losing control triggered him back to when he was a kid at the mercy of his own abusive father. Ie, was powerless back then. Which translated into insecurity (about having agency in the household) in his adult life.
OTOH, he was not a classic bully in the sense of a schoolyard bully or work environment bully. Outside the home, he was a kind, generous, compassionate man (and often inside the home as well, as long as no one was challenging his authority).
That tended to be the narrative for a number of years. It was misinformation, however. Some may well be, but the majority of them tend to have very inflated self-esteem.
I don't know if I have read anything like that, but looking at the motivations for many of the terrible choices in terms of treatment of fellow humans tend to be rooted in things that have nothing to do with childhood. Greed, love, jealousy, power, etc. None of these things spring from negative childhoods. Instead, they are the typical human spirit of self-centeredness to work in the world.
I've personally never experienced self blame past a realization that I did a dumb thing.
I've practiced martial arts for most of my life and I can look back and see that what 16 year old me who was short and slender and very cute was able to do and the sorts of predators I attracted was entirely different from what 25 year old me who was lifting weights and training regularly would and did do.
The young woman in the account may have had options but it wouldn't have looked at all like Black Widow successfully executing a flying head scissors on a man who'd have just caught and held her instead of being throw. I could see a scenario where the elevator door opens to the sight of the attendant flopping around making blood angels on the floor. Going to bullet or blade in those circumstances will get you into more trouble than it can get you out of
Thank you so very much for sharing this. A few years ago I was raped and every single day I feel like it was my fault. It turned my world upside down. I did therapy, but felt that only made things worse because I had to keep talking about it yet nothing was being accomplished. But as I was reading your post it felt almost like this lightbulb went off immediately and now I’m like… she is so freaking right. I didn’t ask for that to happen and it isn’t my fault. It’s a crappy thing that it did happen but when you think about it, why should I be scared and changing my life every day because of something that I didn’t even ask to happen to me? You just made this incredible weight lifted from me. Other people have told me similar things but not in the way that you worded everything. So I thank you from the bottom of my heart because now I feel like I can live my life and move on to the next chapter.
Often, "knowing one's weaknesses" turns out to be less about self-awareness and more about self-flagellation. Self-awareness is akin to taking responsibility and looking at understanding oneself in order to improve one's life, whereas self-blaming is mostly just calling oneself a "bad person" because [reasons].
This is an important post. People often take the burden of responsibility in threatening situations - not just because of a trauma response - but because many of us would rather believe that we have control to change a frightening situation (and blame ourselves) rather than accept the reality that we did not have control, and may not have control again. Survival means accepting our limitations and fighting within them, which most people are too intimidated to face.
I totally agree; it's about keeping a sense of control when you did not have control, because that allows you to think, "Well, if this happened again I could do something differently and it would be better" or "If did something different it would prevent it from happening again."
I have my own elevator experience that educated me on this. I felt so stupid. But these days I just think, "Ah, I'm glad something like that hasn't happened again, so far." I mean, sure, it's unlikely the *exact* same situation would happen in the *exact* same way because I wouldn't be taken by surprise in the exact same way. But I could easily be blindsided and frozen by a similar situation. And it still wouldn't be because "I was stupid" or some other nonsense. If a person had made up their mind that they would harass me, it would happen in one way or another.
I wouldn't say most people are "too intimidated to face it" per se, since it can happen such a subconscious level. I don't think people realize the relationship between self-blame and control. Some of it comes from the outside, too; I think most of us can conjure up a voice of somebody they've heard saying "You should have ___" or "Well why didn't you ___?" Somebody who won't admit it could happen to them.
Accepting your limitations is freeing.
Indeed it is
Lovely article. Your response was so empathetic towards this lady. It's pleasantly surprising to read such an empathetic response. To add it all up, if the lady would have shared her story, there could have been more people who would have probably told her that she should have dressed properly to avoid this encounter altogether, adding to more guilt and shame. It's the best she could have done and so she did.
Yes, I agree.
"Men are much stronger than women, and even men that are comparable in size will outmatch a female physically, and women should know this."
So true! Yet it is by and large politcally incorrect to state this nowadays (or to even suggest that there are meaningful biological differences between men and women). If one were to go only by Hollywood, even the tiniest wisp of a woman could defeat the largest of men with nothing more than gumption and the right training. It does women everywhere a disservice and contributes to that false sense of guilt for not being able to successfully fight back against a bigger, stronger opponent.
I've heard it said that the average 14-year-old boy is bigger, taller, and stronger than his mother. I don't know whether that is factually correct, but I can say that my brothers were floored at the size of the 14-year-old boys in my daughter's class. My 5'6", 100 lb. daughter wouldn't stand a chance against any of them in a fight.
Yes, I agree, and I have directly seen this negatively affect women. They have a different idea of their capabilities and because of this they end up in very bad situations that they do not understand are dangerous until they are faced with it, and have very few options of what to do or how to help themselves.
If you think that you can protect yourself and have a stand up fight with anyone, the decisions that you make based on that belief can and do lead to very bad situations. I cannot believe some of the extremely bad decisions that young women have made because they are not aware of the physical power imbalance. It is not good to lie to people and pretend that these differences are not reality. I am working on another post that is about the illusion of safety.
Yeah, I don't think it's healthy the way Hollywood have been portraying women.
I was talking to my husband today about this new trend we see where the female protagonist fighting a man a equal as opposed to a female hero like Mulan who often used her intelligence to compensate her lack in strength
Excellent piece -- as always. Thank you, Athena. Reinforcing that women (in most cases or anyone) should not feel shame in these situations, is critical to their well-being and it helps to hear it again and again if needed.
Athena your response was beautifully articulate and extremely compassionate. I have been here. Thank you 🌹
Thank you for reading, Alicia
Excellent article! Living in one of the crime capitals of the world, I know women who have been assaulted and held up at gun-point or knife-point. They do not feel shame for the obvious reason that they were undeniably powerless. What can't be underestimated is the PTSD that they have experienced, some still reliving it 20 years later. I think that the lady you helped is battling with her own PTSD. After coming to terms with the fact that she was powerless, she may still need to get help to manage the trauma.
It is a difficult and terrifying for a lot of people to understand that they are unable to fight back. I think it is a good thing to understand the realistic limitations so they aren't taking on unnecessary baggage to add to the already damaging situation to process.
Definitely!
Am very glad you were able to help the victim Athena. This is another great article. I do have a question; why did you think it may be disturbing?
Which part?
The first paragraph. I think you wrote "upsetting " though.
After thinking about this, you were probably giving readers a "heads-up " , which is quite considerate.
Yes, that was my intention
Absolutely as realistic as it gets, there isn't a word in this I could argue even if there was a million dollars in front of us as the incentive.
I'd like to add that I think over the long run, women are far better at handling this (and many others) sort of traumatic experience, as long as they survive it, than men.
I know that sounds overly generalized.
But for all our physical advantages, men break easier than women.
I would like to ask a question if I may, feel free of course to ignore it:
In these circumstances, the above ones, how do you think you might have reacted to the event? I know it's maybe an impossible "what if".
This was a kick ass post
Well, I don't have the emotions attached to prevent me from acting. I am fairly certain that I could not physically fight the man off, but would likely look for one regardless. Grabbing and twisting the penis is very agonizing, so that, or biting would be my choice.
However, if no opportunity presented itself I would report him. Call the police, the building manager, insist on the cameras being checked assuming that there were any. I somewhat doubt that there were in this case however, as he seemed very comfortable doing this, so he must have assumed a fair degree of plausible deniability, or he was just particularly brazen. Either way, he's getting arrested and I have no problem going through the entire court case. Also, if you go to arraignments, you can often see other people that will be sharing the same living space as he will be until he can post bail. A lot of inmates don't like abusers of women and children.
This, I assume, would be a federal crime as it is in a federal building, but I am not certain about that. He would never hold a federal job again, and his time in jail would be unpleasant. Either he would be in solitary for his protection, which is very hard on most people, or he would be with the other inmates which would be unfortunate for him.
Regarding groin attack, I've come across information that while painful it often times does not put the recipient out of condition. Some guys just get furious and more violent instead of incapacitated. No idea why some collapse like a folding chair and others don't. Beside adrenaline numbing pain receptors, but I've read about these different reaction occuring during calm situation.
Since knives and bullets might be considered inappropriate means compared to the lethality of the attack, pepper spray/tear gas and taser are still options. But once again, tasers are not sure-proof immobilizers. Some dudes just power through it or recover quickly and moment of surprise is over.
Yes, I have been told the same thing. People tend to think it is a fix-all, but very well may not be the case, thus providing false hope.
Oh hell yeah I never thought of that...yes I've been to many arraignments. That is a great idea
I've heard it described like this:
Men are like Oak trees. They are strong when the storm blows, but if the wind exceeds a certain threshhold, they fail catastrophically.
Women are like palm trees. When the storm blows, they sway and bend, but when the storm ends, they stand back up again.
This can apparently be seen in how men and women handle catastrophes together. The men are like the firefighters who confront the problems as they are happening. When the men have done their work, they need to rest. But the women then get up and proceed to clear the rubble and get things organised again.
Another good read and sound advice.
Thank you, Athena, for posting one more article. They really do make my day.
I am glad you enjoy them, Luiz
This article strikes a nerve for me personally. It was cathartic to read because I can relate to the experience of the person you wrote about. I find it suprising that a person who says they are a psychopath can write this. You sure have learned a great deal about people and it would make me afraid of you using your insight against me :)
Indeed, it can be used for good, or for something less than good.
I enjoyed reading that article. Everybody go through bad situations but we often blame ourselves for things beyond our control.
But what about gray situations, Athena? What if we are talking about a woman who went through sexual harassment at work for months and blamed herself for feeling too scared to fight back? Or someone who went through bullying? Abusive relationships?
I believe people in these situations are not guilty of what is happening, but there are still things they can do or they could have done. However, emotions like fear can be very hard to manage.
In the case of sexual harassment, I don't know why that would have anything to do with her. I understand that she might feel that it does, but the reality is that has everything to do with that person, and nothing to do with her. I, of course, would say, covertly record evidence, find a new job, and then sue them for a lot of money. For this to work though, she would have to complain to HR and allow an investigation to done.
Bullying again has nothing to do with that person who is bullied and has everything to do with the bully themselves. I do not ascribe to the thinking that bullies are people with no self confidence. They seem to me to have far too much of it. It is unfortunate, but it is human nature to bully the outsider from what I can tell, especially in younger years.It is wise to remember that this has nothing to do with the victim, and all about the enjoyment of having power over others in the bully.
Abusive relationships are interesting to me. I will assume you mean a relationship where there is truly just one victim in regards to the couple and not a situation where they are violent or nasty to each other. I will also assume that this is a situation in which the person is heavily controlled as that tends to be common with abusers, but is not literally locked inside a dwelling with no way out.
I don't see a reason to find blame in that situation, but I do think that leaving by any means possible and then working through whatever it was that made them stay for as long as they did. Abuse does not usually just start, they lead into it and escalate it as time goes on. They likely have a real need to be loved, and that is not a bad thing, it only becomes bad when that need supersedes their own physical safety. There is a lot to work through there, and it may well come from their own upbringing. Blaming yourself for things that happen rooted in how you were raised is a waste of time, but those things must be addressed or the pattern will continue.
Yes, that's a wise way of thinking. Not sinking in self blame but instead taking action to prevent it from happening again.
It reminds me of your article about victimization (I don't remember the name but that was the subject) and if you think about it... it can be a mental acrobatics for someone to understand you have to accept it wasn't your fault someone did harm on you and there was nothing you could have done, but also accept it doesn't give you a right to complain.
Indeed
Indeed, addressing the dynamic of "how I learned to cope with" the abuse turned into "how I continued the relationship pattern" as an adult along with "why I wanted to stay in the first place" is TOTALLY ESSENTIAL to emerging from the trauma. And basically, that involves looking at the fundamental question: What am I doing (or what did I do) that *contributes to* my continuing in this situation and/or my continuing distress (NOT *causes* the situation or distress). Which is what this post is all about in the first place. In other words, what *am I* responsible for? AND what *am I NOT* responsible for? Once I'm clear about how my actions have contributed to my distressing situation, I can begin to change both those actions and my distressing situation. Until then, I pretty much have my head in the sand.
Fair enough. It reminds me when someone said "if you step in a hole and break your leg, it's not your fault, but it's your responsibility to deal with this. Will you go to the doctor? Or straight home? Will you take the best effort to heal your leg or ignore it?"
Perhaps because the bully I knew was? (the one in my household called "dad"). My dad needed to control various situations because lacking/losing control triggered him back to when he was a kid at the mercy of his own abusive father. Ie, was powerless back then. Which translated into insecurity (about having agency in the household) in his adult life.
OTOH, he was not a classic bully in the sense of a schoolyard bully or work environment bully. Outside the home, he was a kind, generous, compassionate man (and often inside the home as well, as long as no one was challenging his authority).
Yes. He was. Though not about everything. Just when it came to whether he had the power. That for him was a zero-sum situation.
That tended to be the narrative for a number of years. It was misinformation, however. Some may well be, but the majority of them tend to have very inflated self-esteem.
I don't know if I have read anything like that, but looking at the motivations for many of the terrible choices in terms of treatment of fellow humans tend to be rooted in things that have nothing to do with childhood. Greed, love, jealousy, power, etc. None of these things spring from negative childhoods. Instead, they are the typical human spirit of self-centeredness to work in the world.
I especially enjoy articles of yours that are about Life and aren't involved with psychopathy. Of course, do as you please.
Agreed
I've personally never experienced self blame past a realization that I did a dumb thing.
I've practiced martial arts for most of my life and I can look back and see that what 16 year old me who was short and slender and very cute was able to do and the sorts of predators I attracted was entirely different from what 25 year old me who was lifting weights and training regularly would and did do.
The young woman in the account may have had options but it wouldn't have looked at all like Black Widow successfully executing a flying head scissors on a man who'd have just caught and held her instead of being throw. I could see a scenario where the elevator door opens to the sight of the attendant flopping around making blood angels on the floor. Going to bullet or blade in those circumstances will get you into more trouble than it can get you out of
Quite true
Yep, similar experiences here, hearing this from a psychopath who is also male is helpful (Athena can't help with that, sorry!)
Nope, I certainly cannot.
Thank you so very much for sharing this. A few years ago I was raped and every single day I feel like it was my fault. It turned my world upside down. I did therapy, but felt that only made things worse because I had to keep talking about it yet nothing was being accomplished. But as I was reading your post it felt almost like this lightbulb went off immediately and now I’m like… she is so freaking right. I didn’t ask for that to happen and it isn’t my fault. It’s a crappy thing that it did happen but when you think about it, why should I be scared and changing my life every day because of something that I didn’t even ask to happen to me? You just made this incredible weight lifted from me. Other people have told me similar things but not in the way that you worded everything. So I thank you from the bottom of my heart because now I feel like I can live my life and move on to the next chapter.
Rise like a Phoenix
Often, "knowing one's weaknesses" turns out to be less about self-awareness and more about self-flagellation. Self-awareness is akin to taking responsibility and looking at understanding oneself in order to improve one's life, whereas self-blaming is mostly just calling oneself a "bad person" because [reasons].