Thanks Athena. As someone whose emotions have ruled her life, I've recently been wondering how to think and behave more like a psychopath as it seemed to me that it would make life easier. This is the post I have been waiting for! (I wanted to ask you direct but chickened out.) I have another question. I feel like hormones have played a part in my emotional rollercoaster existence and now I have reached 51 I am a whole lot calmer. Do psychopath females get affected by hormonal fluctuations? PMT and mood swings used to turn me into a neurotic monster that could sob uncontrollably at someone winning a jackpot on a game show. Am I glad I don't have that embarrassment to contend with anymore!
Very good observations. You make it sound so easy . I think for your average nt this is good advice. I'm not sure about people that are damaged somehow though. It may help.
Athena, your observation about the difference between an emotion and a mood is an excellent one. Also, I would like to add that you are correct in your observation about boredom being linked to contentedness. Times in my life when I’ve been content, I notice that’s when I do tend to become bored more easily and will search for something that interests or excites me. And times when I’m experiencing a lot of stress or other misery, the smallest nice thing seems extra wonderful.
I really enjoy reading your content. I’ve learned a lot from it.
Mar 17, 2022·edited Mar 17, 2022Liked by Athena Walker
Hello Athena, I recently read this post. I... I tried to find the silver linings in the things that happen around me. And I'm not even sure if it's working...
This post focuses on tasks/chores that you have to do. But I tried to apply it to situations around me. My background: I'm an artist and me and some teammates (artists) are making a colaborative work (2 year project). I'm good at what I'm doing, but I struggle with the speed I produce things. Right now I already caught up and my part is on schedule, but there were a few weeks were I was delayed (I wasn't the only one delayed, but my delay what among the higher end). But it seems that image has stuck (the "good quality but slow").
I was scolded/rebuked by my teammate for procrastinating (from her point of view) because I spent 5-10 min observing how another member was working. I was trying to learn what others did differently, and I certainly did learn a different workflow. It took observing the other members several times (for 5-10 min/time throughout weeks). When I explain it to that member, he replies "excuses, excuses" or "those tricks you are learning to be a bit faster, instead you could have used that time working instead of observing. In the end the speed you gain is lost by the time you spent learning".
Is there even a silver lining in this situation? In the end, I'm learning that speed is more important than quality. And that I'm not good enough so I need to keep improving? Is this even a silver lining?
I'm despairing. Everyone is giving their 150% and producing 150% output, but my 150% effort only reaches their 100% output (= the appropriate weekly quota). The one who scolded me is giving 200% effort with a real 200% output (really admire him). I've been constantly repeating to myself “This too shall pass" but now I'm just trying to blindly trust that sentence since I no longer know what to do. I try to learn from the ones around me and it's not like I'm slacking. But it seems it's backfiring... All this judment from myself and others is affecting my sleep and giving me panick attacks. Feels like "me" is crumbling (direct attack to my ego).
It's hard, and I feel like I can't share all this frustration with them, since I feel and believe that I'm the person that least deserves to complain about it, specially since the others are working as hard/harder than me.
From the outside (and now that I'm writing it down), it doesn't look as such a big problem. But I know I have problems with my self-steem and my sense of self/concept of me. I know I'm not just my drawing ability and speed, there are other things which "create" me. But I'm deeply insecure about my abilities and anything that threatens that identity. In the end, I end up resenting myself, for not doing it well. It’s been affecting my sleep and giving me panic attacks. In the end, it’s just a matter of not having a solid “me”.
From your post "The Confidence of a Psychopath", you explained that "Psychopaths will never have an unstable sense of self esteem" and "I am me. I do stuff, I experience stuff, I think stuff, but I am still me at the end of the day. “Me” never changes. “Me” never becomes better or worse because of the daily activities or conversations that I have. I am just me, and I am insulated from those things."
If you are just you, who is “Athena”? Would you describe your age, gender, personality? Objective facts?
You also said "My understanding of neurotypicals is that they relate things that they do, or think, or feel, directly to their sense of self. This is completely foreign to me.". From the neurotypical POV, your understanding of self esteem and concept of "me" is also completely incomprehensible to me.
How can I sepparate myself from my ability to draw (and speed)? Or from other abilities, such as speaking several languages? Or my cultural heritage? Without all the stuff you do, experience or think, what is even left? What is my "essence"? I understand about the "thinking" part, since thoughts are fleeting and they are not you...
I would really love to read a more in depth post more about the topic of self esteem and concept of "me". You probably don't experience imposter syndrome...
BTW, I always remember your theory and reasoning saying that the one that initiated Buddhism is a psychopath. I try to compare and contrast my worldview and experiences with yours. It feels as if I’m calibrating my brain. Just like how meditation and other Buddhist practices alters the brain.
Thank you very much for reading such a long comment (or even if you don't read it, at least I got to clear my head a bit. Maybe this is even a silver lining?)
(As an edit)I just realized that the teammate that rebuked me feels like a mirror. Meaning, that every time I face him, it feels as if all my insecurities come out because he is so different to me (direct, frank, decisive, quick…).
Ah, procrastination. When I was a student we called it Clean Bathroom Syndrome, ie I can't study, I have to clean the bathroom. For myself I alternate between whirlwind and slug. It is much easier to change the mindset and find some aspect of fun in chores that are just tedious or dirty and unpleasant, but for confronting things that have an emotional element, well, it's harder to get over the sick dread, and your mind plays tricks on you and muddies things so that you may not even know that you are procrastinating. Plunging into those things takes a lot more practice and mindset becomes less reliably helpful.
I think the silver lining thing is overstated. It's a good practice to always try to look for one, you never know what you'll find, and admirable people exist who are examples of growing from great adversity, but EVERYTHING? It's too much like the supposedly benign but actually nasty 'everything happens for a reason'. Some things just suck and can do one no good at all.
Thanks Athena. As someone whose emotions have ruled her life, I've recently been wondering how to think and behave more like a psychopath as it seemed to me that it would make life easier. This is the post I have been waiting for! (I wanted to ask you direct but chickened out.) I have another question. I feel like hormones have played a part in my emotional rollercoaster existence and now I have reached 51 I am a whole lot calmer. Do psychopath females get affected by hormonal fluctuations? PMT and mood swings used to turn me into a neurotic monster that could sob uncontrollably at someone winning a jackpot on a game show. Am I glad I don't have that embarrassment to contend with anymore!
Very good observations. You make it sound so easy . I think for your average nt this is good advice. I'm not sure about people that are damaged somehow though. It may help.
Athena, your observation about the difference between an emotion and a mood is an excellent one. Also, I would like to add that you are correct in your observation about boredom being linked to contentedness. Times in my life when I’ve been content, I notice that’s when I do tend to become bored more easily and will search for something that interests or excites me. And times when I’m experiencing a lot of stress or other misery, the smallest nice thing seems extra wonderful.
I really enjoy reading your content. I’ve learned a lot from it.
Hello Athena, I recently read this post. I... I tried to find the silver linings in the things that happen around me. And I'm not even sure if it's working...
This post focuses on tasks/chores that you have to do. But I tried to apply it to situations around me. My background: I'm an artist and me and some teammates (artists) are making a colaborative work (2 year project). I'm good at what I'm doing, but I struggle with the speed I produce things. Right now I already caught up and my part is on schedule, but there were a few weeks were I was delayed (I wasn't the only one delayed, but my delay what among the higher end). But it seems that image has stuck (the "good quality but slow").
I was scolded/rebuked by my teammate for procrastinating (from her point of view) because I spent 5-10 min observing how another member was working. I was trying to learn what others did differently, and I certainly did learn a different workflow. It took observing the other members several times (for 5-10 min/time throughout weeks). When I explain it to that member, he replies "excuses, excuses" or "those tricks you are learning to be a bit faster, instead you could have used that time working instead of observing. In the end the speed you gain is lost by the time you spent learning".
Is there even a silver lining in this situation? In the end, I'm learning that speed is more important than quality. And that I'm not good enough so I need to keep improving? Is this even a silver lining?
I'm despairing. Everyone is giving their 150% and producing 150% output, but my 150% effort only reaches their 100% output (= the appropriate weekly quota). The one who scolded me is giving 200% effort with a real 200% output (really admire him). I've been constantly repeating to myself “This too shall pass" but now I'm just trying to blindly trust that sentence since I no longer know what to do. I try to learn from the ones around me and it's not like I'm slacking. But it seems it's backfiring... All this judment from myself and others is affecting my sleep and giving me panick attacks. Feels like "me" is crumbling (direct attack to my ego).
It's hard, and I feel like I can't share all this frustration with them, since I feel and believe that I'm the person that least deserves to complain about it, specially since the others are working as hard/harder than me.
From the outside (and now that I'm writing it down), it doesn't look as such a big problem. But I know I have problems with my self-steem and my sense of self/concept of me. I know I'm not just my drawing ability and speed, there are other things which "create" me. But I'm deeply insecure about my abilities and anything that threatens that identity. In the end, I end up resenting myself, for not doing it well. It’s been affecting my sleep and giving me panic attacks. In the end, it’s just a matter of not having a solid “me”.
From your post "The Confidence of a Psychopath", you explained that "Psychopaths will never have an unstable sense of self esteem" and "I am me. I do stuff, I experience stuff, I think stuff, but I am still me at the end of the day. “Me” never changes. “Me” never becomes better or worse because of the daily activities or conversations that I have. I am just me, and I am insulated from those things."
If you are just you, who is “Athena”? Would you describe your age, gender, personality? Objective facts?
You also said "My understanding of neurotypicals is that they relate things that they do, or think, or feel, directly to their sense of self. This is completely foreign to me.". From the neurotypical POV, your understanding of self esteem and concept of "me" is also completely incomprehensible to me.
How can I sepparate myself from my ability to draw (and speed)? Or from other abilities, such as speaking several languages? Or my cultural heritage? Without all the stuff you do, experience or think, what is even left? What is my "essence"? I understand about the "thinking" part, since thoughts are fleeting and they are not you...
I would really love to read a more in depth post more about the topic of self esteem and concept of "me". You probably don't experience imposter syndrome...
BTW, I always remember your theory and reasoning saying that the one that initiated Buddhism is a psychopath. I try to compare and contrast my worldview and experiences with yours. It feels as if I’m calibrating my brain. Just like how meditation and other Buddhist practices alters the brain.
Thank you very much for reading such a long comment (or even if you don't read it, at least I got to clear my head a bit. Maybe this is even a silver lining?)
(As an edit)I just realized that the teammate that rebuked me feels like a mirror. Meaning, that every time I face him, it feels as if all my insecurities come out because he is so different to me (direct, frank, decisive, quick…).
I needed this, this morning. Thanks!
Ah, procrastination. When I was a student we called it Clean Bathroom Syndrome, ie I can't study, I have to clean the bathroom. For myself I alternate between whirlwind and slug. It is much easier to change the mindset and find some aspect of fun in chores that are just tedious or dirty and unpleasant, but for confronting things that have an emotional element, well, it's harder to get over the sick dread, and your mind plays tricks on you and muddies things so that you may not even know that you are procrastinating. Plunging into those things takes a lot more practice and mindset becomes less reliably helpful.
I think the silver lining thing is overstated. It's a good practice to always try to look for one, you never know what you'll find, and admirable people exist who are examples of growing from great adversity, but EVERYTHING? It's too much like the supposedly benign but actually nasty 'everything happens for a reason'. Some things just suck and can do one no good at all.
Excellent article