Telling Your Partner You're A Psychopath

Is this a good idea?

Should a psychopath ever tell their spouse that they are one. The answer is likely going to be very different based on who you are in the relationship. Are you the psychopath, or are you the neurotypical? On the neurotypical side, I imagine that they would very much like to know, or, at least, they think they want to know. That is because they really don’t know what it means to have that information, and it is because they really have no idea what it is that they are asking for with that information, that a psychopath is likely better off saying nothing at all.

I understand that a number of you are thinking, “Athena, doesn’t your Significant Other know? Isn’t he aware of your psychopathy, and you’re still together?”

Yes, you are correct about that, but mine is the exception, not the rule. For starters, my SO is an incredibly perceptive person. Hiding things from him is like trying to hide them from God. It is basically impossible. He can see through people’s masks and into how they actually operate. When I was diagnosed, which did happen after we were already together, his response was pretty much, “Huh, makes sense.” He is not the typical relationship partner that has an emotional investment in the mask. He had a pretty good idea of who I am before he found out what I am.

However, that is not the situation we are talking about. We are talking about the normative partner that is invested in the mask. What I mean by that is that presentation of affection and love falls short if the other person understands that it isn’t a natural part of who you are. It becomes cheap, a lie, something to resent, and certainly doesn’t serve anyone.

There can be a large argument about this when it comes to practicality. Technically, the mask is a lie. It is a total presentation of a person that really… doesn’t exist. It is a manufactured series of actions that a partner requires for their fulfillment in the relationship. It, however, does not work the other way. Psychopaths are not wired for affection, attention, cuddling, or concern for the other person. Considering someone else’s wellbeing is not hardwired into us. It is something that has to be enacted. When that is found out, it doesn’t go over well.

I have to say, in defense of how we operate, willingness to take on these responsibilities is how we demonstrate our investment into the relationship. We don’t feel those things, but we still will do them, though we might fall short when we get distracted or immersed into things that take away our attention. However, it is still something that, if we do it for you, it is because we cognitively understand that it matters to you, and for your happiness, we adjust our behavior. It will never be something that comes naturally to us, and when that becomes apparent, problems arise.

There are going to be occasions that a neurotypical is going to be okay with their partner being a psychopath. Oftentimes, it seems to me, that this is usually when they are the ones to first suspect that their partner is psychopathic. I have had people read my writing and come to see their partner in a new light. They understand their behaviors more, how they see things better, and that psychopathy might very well fit them. If they come to the conclusion before their partner ever considers it, they tend to be more open-minded, and want to meet their partner where they are. This tends to be the exception, not the rule.

A good while ago now, I had had contact with a psychopath that came to suspect how he may be after already being married. He had already understood that he was different than most, but psychopathy was not yet on his radar.

As time unfolded, he found an interest in psychology and how the brain works, and, as psychopaths are prone to do, he began to research this more in depth. Tangentally, he came across information about psychopathy, and, after time and research, it became evident to him that factor one traits indeed seemed to fit. It also rang true when in situations that should have been bothersome to most, weren’t to him. This was noticed by others around in different situations, almost to the point that it was a running joke.

Even so, he didn’t suspect psychopathy, due to the poor information, and the misinformation there is about it out there. He wasn’t an arsonist, he didn’t torture animals, he hadn’t been a late bed wetter, so he couldn’t possibly be psychopathic.

The damn MacDonald Triad strikes again.

He, in time, informed his wife of his suspicions, and it went well… at first. At first, she could accept it. At first, he was still the man she married. At first… it was no big deal. That is until, her brain began to eat at her. It called into question everything he said, everything he did. She began to fall prey to the myths surrounding psychopathy, and instead of seeing her husband, she saw someone suspicious. Someone that she couldn’t trust, regardless of the history that they had together. She no longer felt that she knew him, and she struggled to understand what it really meant.

Seeing the situation as untenable, he decided to file for divorce. There really wasn’t any chance of reconciliation, and he saw no point in beating a dead horse. However, there was a family that was to be thought of, and pressure to try counseling. After a few sessions it became obvious to him that there was no chance of repairing anything. Divorce was the only option. His ex wife’s opinion of him shifted drastically. Her husband was dead and a stranger stood in his stead. That word, psychopath, made him an unrelateable person that was now, apparently, out to cheat her of everything that he could despite nothing, other than that word, had changed.

James Fallon, a neuroscientist, who was either a borderline psychopath, or a pro-social one, depending on when in his life he was speaking about his situation, found out he was psychopathic because of his own study having to do with the brain scans of Alzheimer’s. He included scans from himself and his family as controls for the study. I believe that he was either also studying the brain scans of criminal psychopaths at the same time, or he had done so in the recent past. Regardless, he was aware of what psychopathy looks like in the brain, and was surprised to find that he shared that same brain formation.

Fallon frequently referred to himself as a borderline psychopath. He said that he experienced OCD and anxiety as a teenager. I wonder if that is what he actually had, however. Andy McNab, another psychopath diagnosed by Kevin Dutton said that he had experienced fear when he was with the SAS, however, his description was not fear, it was an adrenaline dump. I wonder if Fallon made a similar mistake. It is easy to think that you feel certain things because the situation calls for those things to be felt, and you do feel something, but it isn’t what other people feel, so it gets mislabeled.

Fallon had no idea until he saw those scans that he might be psychopathic. He also didn’t really understand the need for a mask, as most psychopaths build one. He seems to at least have had one, but it wasn’t a fully fledged mask that a lot of us have. I would imagine that being in the scientific field, that alone ran him a bit of cover. There are tons of eccentric scientists, so, he fit right in.

In Fallon’s case, because he lacked that fully developed mask, he had behaviors that people clocked from a distance, and when he came to know how his brain was wired, he asked people, and very few were shocked by the revelation. It was after understanding, he began to experiment with his own family, and I will allow him to describe this in his own words:

One of the surprises for me starting about six years ago and for the few years until now – when I said, you know, something’s really wrong that I was not cognizant of – I didn’t know I had this. And even though other people did, they won’t tell you, you know. Once I asked, they said, of course you’re that. But so people protect people close to them. They protect their tormentors. It’s kind of a family Stockholm effect. And I interviewed some really dangerous bad guys in prison, and they protect their tormentors. And so a lot of times you won’t find this out. You have to ask, and you have to say I’m not gonna get even with you. Just tell me the truth, and you say it to enough people that they know you’re doing it. Then you’ll find that out. So when that happened and I started to think.

Good Lord, James, what were you doing to your family that you consider yourself a “tormentor”? That seems extreme. I have no idea what he is referring to with this sentence, and I would guess that only his family knows, but my guess is that he totally lacked empathy. I doubt his wife or children would appreciate it when they came to him sick, or with a problem, and his response was… and? I don’t know that’s what he means, but a mask off psychopath has very little time for your whinging.

Perhaps he meant something else, and maybe he really did “torment” them, or maybe that’s how neurotypicals define “torment”, I have no idea. If you want a frank response from a psychopath regarding whether or not that qualifies as “torment”, it would be, “Seriously? Suck it the hell up. What is wrong with you? Come bother me when you have something significant to tell me.” Perhaps you guys see that as torment, but to us, that’s just normal.

I said well how can I change this without anybody knowing. So I just started with my wife a couple of years ago. I started and every time I was about to do something with her, you know, we’re pouring a glass of wine or eating or going to a show – anything. I would stop for one moment and I would say what are you doing. And I noticed that every time I was about to do something with her, it was absolutely the most selfish thing. And for regular behavior it’s like you pour yourself the wine first, you serve yourself first, you try to get out of some duties even though you make it look like you’re cleaning up. But also it gets worse than that. So doing, you know, for birthdays or if there was a big party going on and there was a death in the family, an uncle or an aunt, and I thought there’s another party – I’d make up an excuse to go to the party. I would just blow off those things.

I totally know what he’s talking about here. Hell, I even leave people behind when I’m walking. It’s not intentional, it’s because I am goal oriented. We are walking somewhere for a reason, so my motivation is to get to that reason and handle it. Slowing down for others takes cognitive thinking, and empathy. It doesn’t help that my SO is taller than me, so he can walk faster. It is pretty much never that I have to concern myself with slowing down for him. Rather, I need to walk even faster, and that is saying something. When I am with others, I have to really remind myself to slow down. That’s just walking. Everything that I do is self-motivated unless I intentionally intervene to make it otherwise.

But it would extend it to everything I was doing. You know, and even to people who are close to me – not only family. And I noticed that, and I said, geez, everything I’m doing is maximally like selfish. So I have to slow myself down now and try to just do the correct thing – very small. You know you have to start small because that’s where you have to start because the other stuff’s too traumatic to really try to change yourself. But I tried doing this, and I noticed that – and I didn’t tell her I was doing this and other people. And they said I like your behavior, you’re different, what happened. And I told them, I said, you know I don’t really mean it. And they said – my wife said I don’t care. You’re just treating me better. And I went – I couldn’t believe it. I thought – see, I had taken the whole thing of empathy and meaning beyond what people behaviorally are asking for.

Indeed, it’s true. Even the smallest of considerations, make large differences.

And everybody in my life, they said who knows what people’s motivations are. If you’re treating me well, it means you’re trying. That’s all that matters. This blew me away, and I really still don’t understand it, but I keep trying to do that, right. And so, but I have to stop myself in each one of these – anytime I do something, I say what’s the right thing to do. When you do that, and you’re somebody like me, you realize your whole day is spent thousands of times doing the most selfish things.

The reason I brought up Fallon, is he is sort of the working backwards example of how marriages or relationships will blow up when one partner reveals to another that they are psychopathic. In his case, he wasn’t cognitively empathetic, and he didn’t attempt to meet his partner’s needs as a psychopath with a mask is more trained to do. He was more psychopathic in his presentation, so that is who his family knew. When he began to employ cognitive empathy and doing his best to accommodate his partner, despite knowing that it wasn’t real, she appreciated it.

With most relationships, it is going to go the other way round. The partner has no idea that they are with a psychopath, and they believe that all the ways the psychopathic mate cognitively meets their needs is, in fact, how that mate actually feels. They think it is genuine and done because that’s how they feel. Finding out that it is all something enacted for them, without there being any emotion driving it, seems like betrayal. That in and of itself amuses me a bit, and while cold that may be, it’s how I see things.

A psychopath explaining how they experience the world isn’t something that we are just going to do for anyone. Too many risks. There is no good thing to come out of it, especially if the person is going to fall into believing the myths surrounding psychopathy, and ignore the person that they do actually know. There comes to be this belief that they have no idea who the person is, and a total refusal to accept that while things are different, they’re the same.

I get it, it is different for a neurotypical. There are certain things that they want out of a relationship, and finding out that they aren’t there naturally is a huge adjustment. However, that should be all it is, an adjustment, but it won’t be. It will be as much drama as if you had cheated on them, and frankly, it isn’t worth it. My thinking on telling most relationship partners that you’re psychopathic is basically the same thing as being ready to end the relationship. Once that cat is out of the bag, you are not putting it back in, and there is no redemption arc most of the time.

I read an article by, Elinor Greenberg, that was about when to tell the person you’re dating about your personality disorder. Psychopathy is considered a personality disorder in the world of psychology, which, of course, it isn’t, but in the context of the article and this post, there are reasons to divulge having NPD, BPD, schizoid PD, but not psychopathy. There is a pretty good list of why you should disclose the PD, and it gives your potential mate the opportunity to learn about whatever it is that you are dealing with. Psychopathy is not the same, however.

The first thing that is different, psychopathy is inborn. You aren’t getting rid of it with therapy. A psychopath is a psychopath, from birth until death. There is no childhood trauma to work through, and any behavioral change will be in action only. It won’t reflect an internal change to being a different way. This is not the case with the rest of the list. These are emotional adaptations that are ingrained within things that can, with work, be either treated or resolved. That is a false hope type situation with psychopathy. It will never be treatable, nor will it ever go away.

There are some out there that can manage being in a relationship with a psychopath, be aware of it, and not have to have a deep and abiding mask. My SO is one of them, but he is a rare one. Psychopaths do not naturally have the things that neurotypicals find so important in their mates. Emotional empathy being absent is a tough one for a lot of people. On the other hand, a lot of people seem to take serious issue with the idea that, even though the expected performace is there, the lack of the emotion behind it seems to turn it into something untoward. It’s baffling to us psychopaths. We did the thing you wanted us to do, so why are you so upset? The emotions being that damn important is totally outside of our understanding.

There will likely never be a way for a psychopath to understand why certain things are so important to you, just as you will never understand they they aren’t important to us, and also why they aren’t just not important, they simply do not exist outside of actions we have learned to mimic.

If you are psychopathic, my advice? Keep it to yourself. Otherwise, you are likely going to have to deal with fallout that isn’t enjoyable, and also having to move house.

Side note. I will be taking a couple of weeks off. I will be traveling back to help out Leanne with Jess, as mentioned in my previous series, Time for a Story. If you guys want an update on that situation, let me know, and I will write about it while I am there. See you in a couple of weeks, otherwise.

Discovering One’s Hidden Psychopathy, With James Fallon