That Was Rude

Understanding different perceptions...

I would guess that the image above is a rather familiar scene to most people. You hold the door open for someone else because that is considered the social contract in many places. If you don’t do so, many people will think of you as a rude or inconsiderate person. I had a conversation with a guy that mentioned that he often would hold the door open for people, but noticed that many women didn’t do so for guys. He thought that it might be a sexist thing.

From his perspective, holding a door open is a matter of mutual respect. He didn’t differentiate between men or women, young or old, he simply thought of it as the right thing to do. Seeing his commitment to the social contract being disrespected, he was ready to just not bother in the future. He mentioned this to me and I told him that it had nothing to do with not being polite, or intentional disrespect, but rather, women that do this are doing so for their own safety.

He was a bit put off by this idea. He wasn’t a threat, and assuming that he was seemed, again, disrespectful. The thing is, it isn’t about him, this is about different perspectives. There are plenty of women that hold the door open for guys that are behind them. In some situations, going into a public building where there are a lot of people around, it makes sense. However, there are many occasions that this is not only not recommended, it is downright foolhardy, but plenty of women don’t think about the context of their surroundings.

Women, if they are smart, should be discarding politeness for safety. There was a case recently where a woman was going home to her apartment. She lived in a building that required a security key to get into the complex. Behind her was a man, and while she didn’t know him, she assumed that he lived there as well. She held the door open for him and rode with him on the elevator. Unfortunately for her, he didn’t live there, and she let in the man that would rape her, murder her, and leave her body on the roof of the apartment building.

Had she considered her own safety first and prioritized it over her sense of social nicety, she would likely still be here today. Not only should she not have held the door open for this guy, but she should have shut the door intentionally behind her. If he lived there, he could get out his own key and make his way to his apartment. Being nice is not worth her life, or it shouldn’t have been, but in this case, she didn’t put herself first.

When I explained this context to the guy I was speaking to, it was very much new information to him. He could only see that situation through his own eyes, and his own intentions. He means to be polite, but he is also capable of defending himself should the need arise in many cases. There are of course times that isn’t going to be true, but he is more likely to have a fighting chance. That woman had absolutely none.

People have a habit of assuming that their intentions cover the world’s intentions. That what works for them should work for others, but there are plenty of times that the polar opposite perspective applies to someone else. They cannot see things as you do because your circumstances do not apply to their lives. A woman alone should always be wary of strange men. A polite holding open of a door is a lovely social gesture, but it becomes habit like it did for the woman above.

I have no idea what went through her head when she saw that guy behind her. Maybe she was worried about appearing rude, maybe she didn’t want to make him angry by appearing to be so, maybe she didn’t think about it at all because she is just used to this being the expectation, but regardless of the reason it turned out very poorly for her.

You can reverse this as well. I cannot count the number of times that I have heard women insist that men have it easier because they can walk alone at night and not worry. That is very a flawed point of view. Men are attacked when they are out alone at night all the time. The idea that they are bigger and stronger automatically negates them being victims is entirely wrong. I don’t think I have ever met a guy who felt entirely comfortable with walking down dark streets alone at night, but for some reason, it seems to be a largely accepted “fact” that they have nothing to worry about.

Assumptions about how another person thinks are an extension of yourself. It is seeing the world through your own eyes and applying that experience to the other person. Sometimes people do things that we think we understand but don’t. Without taking the time to step outside our worldview and our limited experience we are bound to be applying misconceptions to others.

As much as this might be an inconvenience in our daily lives, such as not having the door held open for us, it is largely an issue in relationships with those closest to us. We do this for our benefit and we do this to our detriment. There are so many times that arguments happen because of this relationship paradigm. It is easy if everyone is on the same page, It takes less work, and it is nice to assume that those around us agree with our actions or thought processes. Chances are, however, there are big gaps in the amount of agreement that actually exists. You just don’t realize it until emotions are charged up.

I think this is why many times fights become much bigger than they have to be. There are, of course, occasions where people are just outright mean to one another and say terrible things, but often I think that the majority of arguments are rooted in assumptions of the other person’s perspectives or thought processes.

The friend of mine whom I jokingly refer to as a sage has the saying:

If the two of you always agree, then one of you is unnecessary.

I have modified this saying to apply to the world at large:

If all of us always agree then most of us are unnecessary

but in this case, his version, the original version, is more apt. If you are in a relationship or have a friendship with someone, and they are exactly like you, then what is the point? I don’t think there would have been. You can always have a conversation with a mirror if you want to be yes manned to death. Chances are you selected the people that are in your life because they bring something to it. Something that you otherwise lacked, and they are able to provide it in a way that is stimulating to you. At least, that is how it is for me. Perhaps this is me showing my limitation in understanding others and projecting my experience onto them. I suppose the comment section will clarify for me.

If I am correct, and the people that you have selected to be in your life are there because of who they are and not being a reflection of you exactly, then it is wise to keep in mind that they have a different way of seeing things, and you can learn that different sight by asking them about it. It may not be the best time to try to do this when tempers are involved, but if you can take a step out when a disagreement is happening, you might be able to ask that question and end the fight once you understand where they are coming from. It being different from your opinion doesn’t make it wrong.

Take a moment and think about it before you assign to them their intentions. If you can, and you can hear them, you will understand and be able to communicate with that person better. Also, it gives them insight into you as well. Reminding ourselves that they are different people than we are, that we selected them to be around for a reason in the first place, and that we can enhance our understanding of those we have deemed important, as well as ourselves by undertaking this task of knowing where we stop and where they begin. To grow, this is a necessary journey.