I had a friend, that came across as very strong and kind. She was like a force of nature. She was great at sweeping you away with her grand stories and pulling at your emotions hard. She had a way that made me feel like my needs were small in comparison to hers, especially as a single, non-parent at the time. I gave her money when I was in the Navy to the point that I only ate one base and had no money for anything else. I gave away my gaming devices to her children, I watched her children and cleaned her house after I left the Navy because her husband left her. The longer I knew her and the closer I was to her, the more cruel she seemed. If you gave her sympathy, attention, and affection she would repay it with belittlement and a open hand. But, if she wanted someone's attention and they were destructive to her and her children, she would chase them like there was no tomorrow.
It took bruises on my neck from her hands and when she tried to charge my boyfriend for staying the night, when I paid half the rent and utilities before I was able to pull myself and walk away. She was a forever victim, there was no teaching this one to catch fish, she knew how to make other's fish for her.
I admire your ability to see through people's emotional b-s. The older I get, the more I trust people who don't thrust themselves at you with kindness and enthusiasm during first meetings like at work or the like. I trust more the people who hang back a little, or have a bit more caution to them. Kindness and giving time, affection, help, has to be even.
My son said you can tell bad people right away because they are nice to you and try to give you things and make lots of promises. He's 7. It made me sad that he thought that way, but there's a lot of truth in it. Something I have used to gage people's character since. Most kind people keep to themselves because experience has taught them that's best.
Very accurate and insightful. Lol where was this article like 12 years ago? 😅 Half of me healing was me realizing I was half of the problem. I am now very wary of people who have no long lasting friends and who don't admit they contribute to their bad situation. Also I watch their spending pattern as well as my own. Do people work and pay their bills on time? Are they broke Friday night? Are they a professional hustler? Am I wanting to feel good about helping someone? What's my motivation for wanting to help? I have let myself be deceived because I was selling myself lies about it making me "a good person". In reality I was just gullible lol. You outlined this very ploy very well.
Time is the biggest one i think. Its the hardest one to pinpoint and to untangle from. I have been guilty of being this person as well as being taken under their spell. I have thought back to this article many times actually since I read it.
I guess I have never met people who would go to such lengths. So that everything at once person lied about all of that to attention-whore or did they actually believe that?
I think that it's a mix of the two. I think if you were able to directly confront them about their claims with someone that is an actual expert, they would probably fold immediately, but if they have any hope of maintaining of the facade, they would fully believe it.
Interesting. I guess someone with bpd might have it like that, it allows identity alternation to this degree plus dependence on attention is higher than average.
One that I'm sure we all see often is the "strong victim" who is actually gleaming onto other peoples' traumas. I try not to be too specific, but someone I know who takes pictures of her son's open heart surgery aftermath and stitches to post on her Facebook for attention for herself. Like, yes you struggle as a mother in that situation, but to take his pain and turn it into the "oh he's so strong/you're so strong for putting up with it," attention from strangers is a little bit deplorable.
Yes, I have seen that behavior as well. It is so common to do that, and I imagine that the people that they glean that attention from would probably prefer not to have any of it.
Gosh, Athena, those 'imaginative' people you describe sound right pieces of work. I fortunately haven't known many people like that, the closest was an implausible chronic liar who was just a colleague and could be amusing if kept at a distance. I think I find the fantasist aspect of people more interesting than the manipulation. I once read a story about a self-deluded fraud of a 'mountaineer' who had in fact never been beyond his indoor climbing wall but boasted to people of his mountaineering exploits, offered to lead a group, crumbled in panic the minute he first stumbled in his never-worn-before crampons, and was lucky not to have gotten anyone killed (or been pished into a crevasse by the others). This particularly interests me because mental rehearsal can be so useful for doing new and difficult and frightening things, but there is always the danger of knowing too little, of arrogantly failing to have any grasp of the complexity and pitfalls of an unfamiliar situation, and getting into real trouble. Anyway, I'm a bit off topic.
Your descriptions were hilarious “yoga master,couldn’t touch their toes” thanks I needed a smile.
I am quite happy to make you smile
I had a friend, that came across as very strong and kind. She was like a force of nature. She was great at sweeping you away with her grand stories and pulling at your emotions hard. She had a way that made me feel like my needs were small in comparison to hers, especially as a single, non-parent at the time. I gave her money when I was in the Navy to the point that I only ate one base and had no money for anything else. I gave away my gaming devices to her children, I watched her children and cleaned her house after I left the Navy because her husband left her. The longer I knew her and the closer I was to her, the more cruel she seemed. If you gave her sympathy, attention, and affection she would repay it with belittlement and a open hand. But, if she wanted someone's attention and they were destructive to her and her children, she would chase them like there was no tomorrow.
It took bruises on my neck from her hands and when she tried to charge my boyfriend for staying the night, when I paid half the rent and utilities before I was able to pull myself and walk away. She was a forever victim, there was no teaching this one to catch fish, she knew how to make other's fish for her.
I admire your ability to see through people's emotional b-s. The older I get, the more I trust people who don't thrust themselves at you with kindness and enthusiasm during first meetings like at work or the like. I trust more the people who hang back a little, or have a bit more caution to them. Kindness and giving time, affection, help, has to be even.
It sounds like you met exactly the type of person I am describing. They can be absolutely dreadful for your wellbeing.
My son said you can tell bad people right away because they are nice to you and try to give you things and make lots of promises. He's 7. It made me sad that he thought that way, but there's a lot of truth in it. Something I have used to gage people's character since. Most kind people keep to themselves because experience has taught them that's best.
Very accurate and insightful. Lol where was this article like 12 years ago? 😅 Half of me healing was me realizing I was half of the problem. I am now very wary of people who have no long lasting friends and who don't admit they contribute to their bad situation. Also I watch their spending pattern as well as my own. Do people work and pay their bills on time? Are they broke Friday night? Are they a professional hustler? Am I wanting to feel good about helping someone? What's my motivation for wanting to help? I have let myself be deceived because I was selling myself lies about it making me "a good person". In reality I was just gullible lol. You outlined this very ploy very well.
Watching a spending pattern is very useful. Some of these types are about monetary benefits, others, emotional, and many are about both.
Time is the biggest one i think. Its the hardest one to pinpoint and to untangle from. I have been guilty of being this person as well as being taken under their spell. I have thought back to this article many times actually since I read it.
I guess I have never met people who would go to such lengths. So that everything at once person lied about all of that to attention-whore or did they actually believe that?
I think that it's a mix of the two. I think if you were able to directly confront them about their claims with someone that is an actual expert, they would probably fold immediately, but if they have any hope of maintaining of the facade, they would fully believe it.
Interesting. I guess someone with bpd might have it like that, it allows identity alternation to this degree plus dependence on attention is higher than average.
Interesting! I don't think I've known a person in the 'total liar' category, or known them well, anyhow! Thank goodness.
You are quite fortunate.
One that I'm sure we all see often is the "strong victim" who is actually gleaming onto other peoples' traumas. I try not to be too specific, but someone I know who takes pictures of her son's open heart surgery aftermath and stitches to post on her Facebook for attention for herself. Like, yes you struggle as a mother in that situation, but to take his pain and turn it into the "oh he's so strong/you're so strong for putting up with it," attention from strangers is a little bit deplorable.
Yes, I have seen that behavior as well. It is so common to do that, and I imagine that the people that they glean that attention from would probably prefer not to have any of it.
Fucking facts
Gosh, Athena, those 'imaginative' people you describe sound right pieces of work. I fortunately haven't known many people like that, the closest was an implausible chronic liar who was just a colleague and could be amusing if kept at a distance. I think I find the fantasist aspect of people more interesting than the manipulation. I once read a story about a self-deluded fraud of a 'mountaineer' who had in fact never been beyond his indoor climbing wall but boasted to people of his mountaineering exploits, offered to lead a group, crumbled in panic the minute he first stumbled in his never-worn-before crampons, and was lucky not to have gotten anyone killed (or been pished into a crevasse by the others). This particularly interests me because mental rehearsal can be so useful for doing new and difficult and frightening things, but there is always the danger of knowing too little, of arrogantly failing to have any grasp of the complexity and pitfalls of an unfamiliar situation, and getting into real trouble. Anyway, I'm a bit off topic.