The Labyrinth Of Problems

and the simple but seemingly impossible way out...

Psychopaths and neurotypicals experience the world in very different ways. When writing over on Quora, and here, I am attempting to illustrate those differences for a variety of reasons. One, of course, is to disabuse people of the notion that psychopaths feel what neurotypicals feel, but chose to dismiss it and hold the emotional responses that NTs have over their heads. This is a common misconception, even by people that should know better, but allow their alphabet soup to get in the way of their logic and reasoning.

Another reason that I write is to perhaps give a different perspective of seeing the world. I have described this as seeing a roadmap of where to go from above. The route is clear and without obstacles, but for the neurotypical on the ground it seems more like an impossible riddle that is being further complicated by these two:

I think that those two (four?) are excellent examples of how I see emotions complicating problems, and needlessly complicating the way through them. This disparity stays in my mind as several people that I have been in contact with have approached me with different issues, all of which their emotions have complicated beyond the ability to see the way out, and it is those emotions that have mired them into despair of ever finding a solution.

When a friend comes to me and has a problem, and they tell me about it, my brain pretty quickly sees a solution. If this were my problem, I enact that solution and move on. I wouldn’t even need to speak to someone else about it. The problem is solved. It is a clean, well-manicured path that you can stroll down easily. Birds sing off in the background.

However, the person speaking or writing to me gives me a LOT of information. Far more than is necessary to arrive at a conclusion, and the extra information is the emotional aspects of said problem. This seems to be brambles on the path that cannot be avoided, but rather have to be carefully picked through to get to the other side. That is if you make it there in the first place. You might fall, and then all hell breaks loose. The sky is black, it’s raining, and some guy with a hatchet is chasing them too. it’s a whole mess.

Instead of being able to say, this is the solution, the neurotypical brain apparently goes through a rundown of all the things that are wrong, how that makes them feel, how they feel about themselves, there may be blame of another person, blame of self, anger, sadness, fear, contemplation, procrastination, anxiety, and somewhere in there, they have to find a solution not just to the problem, but allllllll of that.

That’s… a lot…

All the while I have the solution to the problem. It’s on a silver tray, there’s tea alongside it, maybe some cakes. There is a very well-dressed man asking if you would like sugar with that, lovely music in the background. You see, I have time for tea, because I solved the problem. It took me a minute and a half. See? See how easy that is? Just take the solution... you asked for my help anyway…

Why are you going outside? That’s the wrong path! There’s brambles on that path and its rain…

Oh, bloody hell. Cue the hatchet man.

Imagine this for a moment. You are someone that is dealing with something, and that something has gotten very big. It has become insurmountable and there appears to be nothing that you can do in order to find a solution that will release you from your suffering. I would bet that a number of you have been in this position. Some may have considered ending things because there just doesn’t seem to be a way to move forward. It’s like being caught up in razor wire. You can’t move forward, but you can’t back out. If you stay where you are, you’ll bleed to death.

This is the moment in time when people do get desperate, and I get a lot of messages from people in this position. A friend of mine, whom I have called him the “antipsychopath” in a previous post, commented to me about the level of fear and misery that they must truly be at in that moment to write a message to a total stranger, and a psychopath at that.

It never occurred to me to see it from that perspective. It’s just normal to me to get these messages, and I never considered it from their perspective. Not that I am particularly capable of doing so, but I can at least appreciate what he has to say about it, as he tends to be very in tune with his own emotions.

A lot of people would be deeply turned off by my nonemotional way of seeing their problems. They feel like I am dismissing the power of those emotions, and in doing such I am dismissing their problems as a whole. I get that cognitively, but I am how I am, which is not for everyone.

Sometimes, however, my approach is very helpful to someone that is in desperate need of it, and Mr. Antipsychopath thinks that the psychopathic way of handling problems has extreme value to someone that is lost in a maelstrom. He knows the other psychopath that I do, and goes to him regularly when he cannot solve something. He has also noted the help I have provided to my readers when I ignore the emotions and handle the problems as I see them.

He harkened back to a message that I got years ago, and I will share it below. The person had contacted me a total of one time prior to me receiving this message:

Hi Athena,

Please feel free to forward this question to someone who can *empathize* with my situation. I need an answer and I need it soon. I know you cannot bring yourself to care, but please do it. I beg of you. I wrote this to “User” on Quora but he does not accept personal messages on Quora. Please forward it to appropriate folks. But most important *I want to remain anonymous*. Also very important, I need your views on this, Athena. My best to you.

I've suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. I'm an alcoholic as well. I do *tons* of stupid shit when I'm under the influence, but I never harm other people even when I'm drunk. I do things like losing money, cell phones (7 in the last two years, one was an expensive Samsung), wallets / ID’s etc. to preying cab / auto-rickshaws or tut-tuts if you're in the Philippines (look it up), being unusually and unnecessarily generous with them like buying them food / drinks / smokes apart from my fare. And in return I get my wallet / ID / cards / cash stolen and I have done the morning / afternoon walk of shame back to my apartment (I haven't been in a place that I could call home since I was 16). Too many to list here. But I hope you get the idea. I'm very "hardcore" when it comes to self-destruction. I just DO NOT GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE.I made a lot of money in the US when I was there for 18 years. I have 2 houses and some 8 lands saved up, all in my parents' name. My parents are the dearest but won't give me a cent of my money because they think I'll drink it away and lose it all. I'm drunk now. I feel like I'm going to be dead soon. I'm smoking "beedi" (look it up on Google) as I don't have enough cash to buy cigarettes (Marlboro Red). I have like $1000 in my account, which is enough to buy me 14 "Full" or 750 ml of whiskey. But I cannot manage to go out of my room for shame. I'm such a disaster. I haven't showered or shaved for 5 days. I reek of body odor. I'm just a mess. My biggest problem now is, how do I get back to work knowing that my colleagues (well, the entire office perhaps) knows about my situation.I'm dying in shame. Given all this, in a span of some 20 years, is there any possibility for change? Or should I just resign myself to death, and just do it?

That is a great deal of despair and this person clearly thought that there was no way out. This message, and my response to this message, demonstrates the absolute polar opposite way of thinking that neurotypicals have, and that I have.

I can’t change you, only you can. What I can tell you is this.

Your shame serves nothing. Leave it behind

The judgment by others is pointless to concern yourself with. Ignore them

You haven’t showered? Go shower

You’re drinking too much? Stop it

You’re smoking something bad for you? Stop it

You haven’t shaved? Do so

Do you need help to change these things? You have the internet. Google where to get it. Go get it.

You are wrapped in the mire of the emotions. I don’t care about those at all. You list fixable problems, fix them. What you dread to do the most, do next.

It also demonstrates why people think that psychopaths are cruel in nature as this response is not in the slightest empathetic. I certainly didn’t handle his situation with the kid gloves that I know others would have. They would see the words, especially those at the end, and think, this person is near the edge and I need to coax them back.

All I see as a psychopath is a list of problems to fix. This person had in front of them many things that they could identify as hampering them, but they couldn’t bring themselves to address any of them. To me, those exact things would be what could help them see movement and hope.

This will seem like a non sequitur, but have you ever met a person that is chronically ill but they are well put together? A common thing that chronically ill people hear is “but you look good”, as though how they appear on the outside is an indicator of how they are doing in terms of their illness. I have always found it amusing that a lot of neurotypicals think that if they look like they put extra time and effort into their external appearance they must feel pretty good. If they didn’t feel well, they wouldn’t spend that energy, right?

Usually, it’s the opposite. If they look good and well put together, they are playing a mental mind trick on themselves, one that often works by the way, that if you look better, you feel better. Why bring this up?

Because of this response that I got from the person messaging me:

I’m going to “Just do it”, like you and Nike says. Starting now.

Thanks, Athena. You’re a darling and a life saver !

And then later, this:

Hello Athena!

I’m not sure that you remember me. I’ve followed most of your answers and PM’ed you about some of my personal problems a few months back. You were kind enough to give me direct, non-judgmental advice.

I just wanted you to know that I’m doing much better now than before. I’ve taken up a new job and it has been going well so far. Mostly due to a change of environment and *some* positive thinking, but largely due to the former. I don’t believe I’m still out of the danger zone yet but I’m far more conscious of my actions that can have good and bad consequences for me. I’ll hope that it gets even better. I’ll give you more details soon.

I have edited out part of this message as it has nothing to do with the point, and it isn’t something that I would divulge from someone’s message even if I am keeping them anonymous. The message continues:

Well, look forward to hearing from you, Athena! Again, thanks for your prior timely advice. I remember calling you a darling then. So do I now :) I guess you can call it *mild* infatuation with your presence here and your help to me in time of need. It’s good to have objective people like you around rather than hypocrites and shallow oppressors.

Sorry, I’m a bit tipsy as we had an office party not long before but certainly not a fall out drunk like I once was. So please take my statements and requests in good humor. I’m managing much better and hope to do even better. Maybe when we talk more and if you are even remotely interested to be an Internet-penpal (of course, here on Quora or your choice of platform), I can share more about myself.

Oh, and you’re a gutsy girl (err… lady) to still accept messages from anyone here on Quora. Most others females block messages from strangers. One *toughy* you are!

Best,

“User”

They needed to be able to see that they had some control in their life even when they felt that they were spinning out of control. Appearance, external environment, all of that plays into how you feel emotionally. Sometimes, when you see no way to get to a place you don’t feel that you are drowning, taking control of something small, like a shower, like your appearance, like cleaning of the room that you are in, it can quiet down all that emotional noise and you can start to feel like you are captaining the ship once again.

It’s a step, not a solution, but those steps are what get you to be able to see the solution. A person that is chronically ill has little control over their good days, and their bad days, but they can have control over what they see in the mirror. Making themselves look better on the outside makes the things on the inside feel more manageable.

Emotional noise has a great deal of power. What my examples in this post, the person’s message to me, and the chronically ill person, illustrate, is that it can be the small things that provide you a respite in the storm of a problem. It may not seem like the direct and simple actions that I listed in my message to this person can make that much of a difference, but they can.

Did you know that the Golden Gate Bridge is one of the most frequented places for people that want to commit suicide? Ninety-eight percent of the time they are successful. You will reach ninety miles an hour in four seconds which is nearly the speed of terminal velocity, and it is a twenty-five-story drop. When you hit the water, it is like hitting concrete. You hit at seventy-five miles an hour.

That’s grim, isn’t it? Why would I end this post with something so sad, and violent? Because people do sometimes survive this, and do you know what they have all universally said?

All 29 people who survived their suicide attempts off San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge have said they regretted their decision as soon as they jumped. That’s a mind-blowing statement. Each and every one who survived was immediately regretting their decision to leap to their deaths.

The moment Ken Baldwin let go of the railing he immediately thought, “What am I doing? This was the worst thing I could do in my life.” He instantly thought of his wife and daughter and didn’t want to die.

He recalls realizing that everything he thought was unfixable was totally fixable — except for having just jumped.

The noise can pull you, it can stop you, it can drive you, and it can take from you. My response to the person’s message above was direct, harsh, unempathetic, and it gave that person a series of things that they could control, and that control quieted the noise until they were able to find their way out. Small things can give you a lot of progress.

I can see the way out of the labyrinth easily because that noise never reaches me. Perhaps from my perspective, you can take a bit of knowledge with you that won’t solve the larger problem, but can keep its noise down to a dull roar, giving you the opportunity to solve it.

A Lesson from 29 Golden Gate Suicide Attempts