I was standing in the grocery line behind an older (rather disheveled looking) gentleman, casually listening to a conversation between him and the cashier. She (the cashier) was supporting him; I could tell they had a close connection.
When it was my turn, I said to her how nice her kindness was towards the gentleman.
Now starts the lesson:
The cashier told me about the gentleman’s background. He is a Veteran with a lot of psychological issues from being in active combat; PTSD etc.
And...
He has a neighbor who is a shut-in and he comes to buy groceries, using his own money, to assist his neighbor. She went on to say he is the most kind and selfless person she has ever met.
Perhaps what this article misses is that we have a word for the integration of emotional and cognitive empathy - it is called "compassion" where the mirroring of emotions is acted upon with chosen responses to address the situation. Emotions can motivate for good or evil. It is a questions of the beliefs that accompany the emotions. While short term behaviors can be coerced, the beliefs are the drivers of behavior in the long term.
Cognitive empathy is as important, if not more important than emotional empathy. Cognition that seeks to think about the 'others' perspective and reality is more useful than seeking an emotional 'sameness' which relies on a projection of 'my own experience'. Compassion is not the middle ground between cognitive and emotional empathy - compassion is usually an extension of emotional intelligence based on an individuals feelings and personal identity. Compassion as a genuinely objective, unconditional spaceousness is extremely rare and most people who think they have reached that space are just confirming their preferred sense of identity.
Actually I do have a constant emotional storm, though that has got much better over the years, no more BPD. I think that's what's behind my selfishness- not much left to give to people beyond my circle after I have taken care of my own mental self, and a desire to grab all the meaningful enjoyment that I can. So the selfishness of psycopaths is not something I am in any position to judge! I certainly do try to see things as they are and not succumb to intellectual cowardice. Anyway, very much looking forward to your posts and glad you have been on a prolific roll.
Gosh I am not like these people, and dont pretend otherwise. You describe yourself as selfish and I admit I am the same. Treat people decently, do no harm, uphold personal principles, add value to the lives of friends and family, take good care of partner, and that is so far about it for me. My interests and pursuits have not been such as to contribute to the world, the things that give me meaning and purpose are for me and people close who I share with (sharing increases enjoyment multiple for me), and I have had no wish to undertake major humanitarian works. I am however often sincerely and deeply upset by horrible situations and people's suffering. I don't get it really. I guess selfishness and my own voracious desire to seize life for me are stronger.
Thank you for this insightful and provocative post! Provocative to get off our assess and bring some goodness into the world!!
Your post is very timely for me in that, just this afternoon, for about 3 hours, I discussed many of these aspects with my mother in the context of her children as NT - or not so much.
Without your help, I could never had this meaningful convo with my mom.
She undervalues herself and thinks negatively where the rest of us think well of her and admire her basic goodness as a person.
Thank you again for your posts and your kindness and patience in your work.
develop cognitive empathy to be a complement to their emotional empathy
If you mean a conscious understanding of how to behave morally and ethically, people DO know that they should have helped the woman.
And, they likely did feel empathetic, and all probably assume they are “good people “ but it was overridden by other social factors, even though they needed to likely suppress the cognitive dissonance they were experiencing.
Russian soldiers may take comfort in assuming everyone they kill are literally Nazis.
Obviously they are not, especially the children, cats and dogs.
I have a question, but it is about your previous article. I am asking here because I didn't think you would check the last comment section. How do you influence just about anybody? Is it about body language, or facial expressions , the right words, or a combination of all these, or something else entirely? I am afraid you might say something very generic , like 'developing cognitive empathy', because while useful , it does not show to me how to practice influence specifically and become good at it.
You could use an example, like convincing a receptionist to upgrade flight tickets from economic to business class without extra cost . I had read this was something Andy Mcnab did for one flight he had with Kevin Dutton in his book 'The Good Psychopath's Guide to Success ', and I was bummed that he did not include the dialogues of the exchange.
Today’s Personal Lesson in Empathy
I was standing in the grocery line behind an older (rather disheveled looking) gentleman, casually listening to a conversation between him and the cashier. She (the cashier) was supporting him; I could tell they had a close connection.
When it was my turn, I said to her how nice her kindness was towards the gentleman.
Now starts the lesson:
The cashier told me about the gentleman’s background. He is a Veteran with a lot of psychological issues from being in active combat; PTSD etc.
And...
He has a neighbor who is a shut-in and he comes to buy groceries, using his own money, to assist his neighbor. She went on to say he is the most kind and selfless person she has ever met.
~ This experience will never be forgotten.
Perhaps what this article misses is that we have a word for the integration of emotional and cognitive empathy - it is called "compassion" where the mirroring of emotions is acted upon with chosen responses to address the situation. Emotions can motivate for good or evil. It is a questions of the beliefs that accompany the emotions. While short term behaviors can be coerced, the beliefs are the drivers of behavior in the long term.
I have nothing to add to this except to deeply thank you for writing it.
Cognitive empathy is as important, if not more important than emotional empathy. Cognition that seeks to think about the 'others' perspective and reality is more useful than seeking an emotional 'sameness' which relies on a projection of 'my own experience'. Compassion is not the middle ground between cognitive and emotional empathy - compassion is usually an extension of emotional intelligence based on an individuals feelings and personal identity. Compassion as a genuinely objective, unconditional spaceousness is extremely rare and most people who think they have reached that space are just confirming their preferred sense of identity.
I was moved to tears while reading this. Another one was Oscar Schindler.
Actually I do have a constant emotional storm, though that has got much better over the years, no more BPD. I think that's what's behind my selfishness- not much left to give to people beyond my circle after I have taken care of my own mental self, and a desire to grab all the meaningful enjoyment that I can. So the selfishness of psycopaths is not something I am in any position to judge! I certainly do try to see things as they are and not succumb to intellectual cowardice. Anyway, very much looking forward to your posts and glad you have been on a prolific roll.
Gosh I am not like these people, and dont pretend otherwise. You describe yourself as selfish and I admit I am the same. Treat people decently, do no harm, uphold personal principles, add value to the lives of friends and family, take good care of partner, and that is so far about it for me. My interests and pursuits have not been such as to contribute to the world, the things that give me meaning and purpose are for me and people close who I share with (sharing increases enjoyment multiple for me), and I have had no wish to undertake major humanitarian works. I am however often sincerely and deeply upset by horrible situations and people's suffering. I don't get it really. I guess selfishness and my own voracious desire to seize life for me are stronger.
Have you watched the film 'Tomorrowland-A World Beyond '?
Athena,
I really appreciate this article. Cognitive empathy with a dash of emotional is a perfect recipe.
Will comment more, need to sleep.
Thank you for this insightful and provocative post! Provocative to get off our assess and bring some goodness into the world!!
Your post is very timely for me in that, just this afternoon, for about 3 hours, I discussed many of these aspects with my mother in the context of her children as NT - or not so much.
Without your help, I could never had this meaningful convo with my mom.
She undervalues herself and thinks negatively where the rest of us think well of her and admire her basic goodness as a person.
Thank you again for your posts and your kindness and patience in your work.
develop cognitive empathy to be a complement to their emotional empathy
If you mean a conscious understanding of how to behave morally and ethically, people DO know that they should have helped the woman.
And, they likely did feel empathetic, and all probably assume they are “good people “ but it was overridden by other social factors, even though they needed to likely suppress the cognitive dissonance they were experiencing.
Russian soldiers may take comfort in assuming everyone they kill are literally Nazis.
Obviously they are not, especially the children, cats and dogs.
I have a question, but it is about your previous article. I am asking here because I didn't think you would check the last comment section. How do you influence just about anybody? Is it about body language, or facial expressions , the right words, or a combination of all these, or something else entirely? I am afraid you might say something very generic , like 'developing cognitive empathy', because while useful , it does not show to me how to practice influence specifically and become good at it.
You could use an example, like convincing a receptionist to upgrade flight tickets from economic to business class without extra cost . I had read this was something Andy Mcnab did for one flight he had with Kevin Dutton in his book 'The Good Psychopath's Guide to Success ', and I was bummed that he did not include the dialogues of the exchange.