Topics And Issues

What are you actually fighting about?

Oh my goodness. Substack now has an AI image generator that I decided I would try out for this post, and you would not believe the results it gave me. No, this is not what the post is about, but I have to show some of these to you:

couple arguing

couple arguing

What in the holy hell is happening to these people’s faces? The first batch that I got was even worse, but man… that is some broken AI image generation.

Anyway, on to what this post is actually about, topics and issues when it comes to fighting. I was listening to an R/ video a few days ago and he was doing an R/amItheasshole installation. There was one in particular that I thought personified the topics and issues subject, so I thought I would share it with you.

r/AmItheAsshole

1 mo. ago by Broccoliheart20

AITA for calling my girlfriend selfish for being upset I wasn’t at the birth of our kid because I was also in hospital?

My girlfriend and I (both 26f) have a son who is just over a year old. And there was some major ‘drama’ during the birth.

For some context, I have chronic heart problems and have been struggling with it since birth. I had a surgery when I was an infant, another at 7 and another at 15. I haven’t needed one since and have been doing well all around. When my girlfriend was 6 months pregnant, I got really, really ill and it took a massive toll on my lungs and heart. I pulled through but spent about a month in the hospital. I felt so awful that I couldn’t be with my girlfriend (Jane) but she was super great with it.

Then, 2 days before the due date, I was rushed into the hospital due to a build-up of fluid around my heart. I had to get the fluid removed asap. When the fluid was all out, my BIL came to visit me and he told me Jane had given birth. I was both ecstatic and devastated.

I had to spend the night under supervision but as soon as I was allowed to leave, I went to the maternity wing to see my girlfriend and baby. At the time, all negative emotions were smothered by our bundle of joy but over the months, Jane has been showing more and more signs of resentment towards me.

It came to a head last night during our date night. I had the whole day planned; baby had gone to grandmas, her favourite take out, got all her favourite movies ready to play, spa evening planned, etc. But she wasn’t feeling any of it. I asked her what was wrong and she said she’s angry at me for missing the birth.

I’ll admit, I didn’t handle it as best as I wanted to, but we argued for a bit and I ended up calling her selfish for saying that. I asked her if she understood the severity of the situation and that I was very ill. She got up and said she wasn't going to let me patronise her and that she's never been disrespected like that before and that she's going to bed.

AITA?

You can read the responses for yourself on whether or not people thought that the OP was the AH, however, I think that there is a lot more going on here than the surface anger about the OP not being there at the birth of their daughter.

OP says that she has a heart condition that has not been an issue for years. The first time this reared its head again in a serious way was when her girlfriend was six months pregnant. Very shortly after that, within a few months, OP is hospitalized for this condition, and due to that OP misses the birth of their child. OP’s girlfriend is not likely to be actually upset about the incident, but terrified as to what it might mean.

OP hasn’t had an issue with her heart for years, but suddenly she has serious issues, one of which has put her in the hospital, not for a few hours, but for days. Her girlfriend may not even be considering why she is so upset, but my guess would be that she is dealing with the idea that OP might die and leave her alone. Not only would this mean that she loses the one that she loves, but also would now be alone with a child to raise. What does that mean emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually for her and their baby?

Up until recently, the heart problem was nebulous. It wasn’t something that was affecting their lives on a daily basis. It was something that she was aware of, but not something that presented itself in a serious way. Fear can make a person very defensive. She likely is feeling a bit lied to, but not because OP told her anything other than the truth, but rather because she convinced herself that truth wasn’t something that required worry any longer. It is one thing to know about something that could potentially be a problem, it is an entirely different affair to have that thing shift your life circumstances dramatically and be very very present.

For instance, most people know that Yellowstone is a supervolcano. Add to that knowledge the fact that it has an eruption schedule that places it quite overdue for its next eruption. Also, that when it erupts it will do catastrophic damage to the world and wipe out humanity as we know it. You can know all of those things, and still not be concerned with Yellowstone in the slightest. It’s just there doing volcano things. There’s a geyser that goes off like clockwork, and pretty hotsprings to look at.

However, if Yellowstone suddenly started showing dramatic signs that it was going to go off, that would shift your perspective dramatically. Now, you can get mad at the volcano, but that’s not really going to do you any good. It’s still going to do volcano stuff, and it does not care what you think about it. That anger, fear, uncertainty, or whatever negative emotions you might have about the situation are going to come out somewhere. You will find yourself having fights with family and friends because the situation has everyone on edge and they need an outlet for that emotion.

Same thing with OP and her girlfriend. The girlfriend is dealing with a reality that she had convinced herself wouldn’t be an issue. It’s the normalcy bias that we talking about here:

People fall into this trap a lot, and it causes problems. People aren’t able to confront what they are actually upset about and that seeps into their regular conversations. OP hasn’t a clue that her girlfriend is worried about losing her, because to OP the heart condition is part of her life experience. She has dealt with health scares, surgeries, and medications for her whole life. She probably knew that it wasn’t a done deal, but felt pretty good about how managed the condition was.

That’s great, for OP. She has the life experience to be able to adapt to the changes. Her girlfriend, who is just postpartum which significantly changes her emotional and hormonal functioning, is seeing that the love of her life is not guaranteed. How else is she going to respond? It isn’t as though she didn’t have the information to know that this was a possibility. OP makes no claims that she hid any part of her health situation from her girlfriend, so acting as though this is news to her isn’t exactly fair, so what can she do?

Find something else to be angry about because it is what she can do to feel better. She needs to express the dread and fear over losing her Significant Other, but she has to know that her SO told her, and that her SO has no control over the situation. It would make sense if OP had medications or treatments that she was supposed to take but either didn’t bother or forgot about them due to believing that she didn’t need them anymore. However, it seems that this is just an unfortunate step backward. I would imagine that OP is also a bit worried, and this would be an ideal time to have that discussion, but OP is not thinking about this past the topic that was presented to her.

Topics are what you are fighting about. Issues are what is wrong. Which one are you expressing in the moment of anger? Many people get defensive when they are asked, “What are you really mad about?” but it’s a valid question. There are a lot of things that may be behind irrational behavior and responses, but the ability to take a step back and try to see things from a distance can be very helpful.

In this case, it would be helpful for both sides. This is an example of needing to practice cognitive empathy as well. Both of these Significant Others need to be able to see things outside of their emotional state and understand where their partner is at, but to do that, they would have to look beyond the argument that is being had in the moment. The ability to do this can be very helpful for all involved.

It is hard to see past the words being spoken, or in some cases yelled, because they rile up emotions that make you want to respond or defend yourself. There are certainly going to be times when you are dealing with someone that is irrational with no discernable reason, but often if that is what appears to be happening, looking beneath the surface is a good idea. It requires you to know the person well and be able to suss out what is going on in their life. It also requires you to be able to see how those events or stressors might be coming into play in the current fight you are having.

Staying calm and rational can be very difficult when your emotions are being niggled with, but it can really serve you when getting to the bottom of things. It is also helpful to be able to look at your own anger and see if what you are upset about is what you are responding to. It can take a bit of self-control, but it can really get to the root of a lot of problems that you may be having in relationships. People often fight about topics and never get to the issues that are underneath the surface.

Topics or issues? Where are you investing your time, and what are you trying to sort through? Figure that out and you will have a much better time when interacting with others.