This is very insightful Athena. I also imagine O.P. was shocked and dismayed by her health crisis, and startled at her girlfriend's lack of compassion. She may feel very alone with the uncertainties of her heart condition. This may stop her from looking deeper for the root of Jane's behavior. Your analysis makes good sense out of something that seems, on the surface, nonsensical.
I see the girlfriend as unreasonable. She could feel sad about this, or worried about her partner, but anger is totally unjustified. People like that baffle me.
It sounds like she's displacing her anger that her life isn't turning out the way she'd wished. People use displacement - & other defenses - so they don't have to look at unacceptable thoughts & feelings. The more self-aware we are, the more we understand ourselves, and the less this type of behavior occurs. However, very few people are completely self-aware. Most people use a bunch of defenses that they don’t even know they're using.
It sounds like the gf is displacing her anger that her life isn't turning out the way she'd wished. I saw it with my mother. She was furious that my dad had severe depression. It "ruined" her plans for their retirement. She thought depression was something he chose. My mother had no compassion and her self-awareness seemed pretty limited.
It could be something else, too. We only know parts of the story.
Maybe I understand what you mean. I once had a partner who seemed to idolize me, but I developed spasmodic dysphonia, a debilitating speech disease, and at the time there was no treatment. So, my career plans had been dashed multiple times. First, it was dance, but injuries put paid to that. In the meantime, my partner was pulling most of the slack, but would have jealous rage attacks based on absolutely nothing. I gradually came to see that the real source of his rage was his exhaustion from pulling all of the weight financially, especially since he was exceptionally ambitious. I left him for his own good. He was heartbroken, but years later I explained why I had to set him free, and he was incredibly touched and grateful. So, sometimes rage masquerades as being about one thing, when it's really something altogether different.
If people would step back, let their emotions dissipate, then mentally figure out what the root of their angst is, well - I'd congratulate them on working very hard to be a better person.
That is an interesting perspective. I have observed women experiencing a great deal of fear. More than I would be able to even imagine sometimes. It was well applied here I think.
"She got up and said she wasn't going to let me patronise her and that she's never been disrespected like that before and that she's going to bed."
Lol, sometimes these super attractive women have trouble because men defer to them too much (just general societal confusion). Then when they get into a relationship with a woman, they experience having to be an equal partner in the relationship. She must have lived well to not have had anyone disrespect her so much as in an argument such as this. Assuming we are being told everything.
I am put in mind of men who leave their wives when the wife comes down with a debilitating disease. I am wondering if she does a few of the things that my ex wife used to do like giving several chores with an impossibly short timeline to accomplish them
Some people are just not wired to be caregivers. Some miss intimacy. Some can't handle the financial burden. Some illnesses change the person to such a degree that they can seem to be a complete stranger. There are so many reasons that people leave when a significant other develops a serious illness. I don't have any judgement about it because I can understand why this happens. For example, Laurence Olivier left Vivien Leigh when her bipolar disorder turned her into an unrecognizable woman, who was often violent. So, every situation is different.
I saw on a video that the best way to control yourself during those fired up moments is knowing your triggers and how you react during such moments. Many people like to think that controlling themselves is about erasing their emotions or pretending they're not there when in reality, it's opposite. It's recognizing them and accepting that they're there during the moment. I learned from you and other people that the problem is not the emotion itself but how you react during the emotional response. So, knowing yourself deeply and recognizing the moment you're most likely to have an emotional trigger is quite effective so you can find the best way to deal with such situations
This is very insightful Athena. I also imagine O.P. was shocked and dismayed by her health crisis, and startled at her girlfriend's lack of compassion. She may feel very alone with the uncertainties of her heart condition. This may stop her from looking deeper for the root of Jane's behavior. Your analysis makes good sense out of something that seems, on the surface, nonsensical.
I see the girlfriend as unreasonable. She could feel sad about this, or worried about her partner, but anger is totally unjustified. People like that baffle me.
It sounds like she's displacing her anger that her life isn't turning out the way she'd wished. People use displacement - & other defenses - so they don't have to look at unacceptable thoughts & feelings. The more self-aware we are, the more we understand ourselves, and the less this type of behavior occurs. However, very few people are completely self-aware. Most people use a bunch of defenses that they don’t even know they're using.
It sounds like the gf is displacing her anger that her life isn't turning out the way she'd wished. I saw it with my mother. She was furious that my dad had severe depression. It "ruined" her plans for their retirement. She thought depression was something he chose. My mother had no compassion and her self-awareness seemed pretty limited.
It could be something else, too. We only know parts of the story.
Maybe I understand what you mean. I once had a partner who seemed to idolize me, but I developed spasmodic dysphonia, a debilitating speech disease, and at the time there was no treatment. So, my career plans had been dashed multiple times. First, it was dance, but injuries put paid to that. In the meantime, my partner was pulling most of the slack, but would have jealous rage attacks based on absolutely nothing. I gradually came to see that the real source of his rage was his exhaustion from pulling all of the weight financially, especially since he was exceptionally ambitious. I left him for his own good. He was heartbroken, but years later I explained why I had to set him free, and he was incredibly touched and grateful. So, sometimes rage masquerades as being about one thing, when it's really something altogether different.
That was interesting. Thankyou for this insight into human psychology.
If people would step back, let their emotions dissipate, then mentally figure out what the root of their angst is, well - I'd congratulate them on working very hard to be a better person.
Agreed
Genius
That is an interesting perspective. I have observed women experiencing a great deal of fear. More than I would be able to even imagine sometimes. It was well applied here I think.
"She got up and said she wasn't going to let me patronise her and that she's never been disrespected like that before and that she's going to bed."
Lol, sometimes these super attractive women have trouble because men defer to them too much (just general societal confusion). Then when they get into a relationship with a woman, they experience having to be an equal partner in the relationship. She must have lived well to not have had anyone disrespect her so much as in an argument such as this. Assuming we are being told everything.
I am put in mind of men who leave their wives when the wife comes down with a debilitating disease. I am wondering if she does a few of the things that my ex wife used to do like giving several chores with an impossibly short timeline to accomplish them
Some people are just not wired to be caregivers. Some miss intimacy. Some can't handle the financial burden. Some illnesses change the person to such a degree that they can seem to be a complete stranger. There are so many reasons that people leave when a significant other develops a serious illness. I don't have any judgement about it because I can understand why this happens. For example, Laurence Olivier left Vivien Leigh when her bipolar disorder turned her into an unrecognizable woman, who was often violent. So, every situation is different.
I saw on a video that the best way to control yourself during those fired up moments is knowing your triggers and how you react during such moments. Many people like to think that controlling themselves is about erasing their emotions or pretending they're not there when in reality, it's opposite. It's recognizing them and accepting that they're there during the moment. I learned from you and other people that the problem is not the emotion itself but how you react during the emotional response. So, knowing yourself deeply and recognizing the moment you're most likely to have an emotional trigger is quite effective so you can find the best way to deal with such situations
Makes sense