What Happens When

I lose my patience...

I thought that I had spoken about the predatory stare here several times, and yet, a back-search of my catalog shows not a singular mention. Weird. All right, I know that the predatory stare and end of my patience may not seem related, but they are, believe it or not. For those of you uninitiated in the world of psychopathic predatory stares, let me speak a moment about the stare itself. There are a couple of versions of it, but I notice that both are disconcerting to neurotypicals, so I will address them both.

The first would be when I am not trying particularly hard to appear a certain way to those around me. This can be because I am tired, because I was already in a resting state and not performative, and they have decided to occupy my space, or for some other reasons I am ignoring or overlooking my social obligations.

This isn’t common, and I tend to be pretty aware of how people are perceiving me, but on occasion it does still happen. This is more of a flat affect. It’s not blank, it’s lacking. People often think that flat affect means somehow the person looks sad, or depressed. That isn’t what it is, it is just lacking. There is no emotional connotation at all.

This lack can bother neurotypicals as they really rely on emotional feedback. Often it is this sort of look that makes people somehow think that I am angry at them. The mask is the counter to this, and I spoke about it here:

The Mask

You might wonder what about being flat in appearance gives the impression of a predatory stare, and the answer to that is pretty curious. Psychopaths have a lower inclination for blinking. Just blinking on average five to six times less per minute gives this impression of staring eyes, and that makes people feel on edge. This is easily countered, just blink more, but if I am not really thinking about it, apparently it comes across as intimidating.

Now for the actual predatory stare, and the one that is rarely ever seen. This one is a bit different, because this one does have intent. The best I have ever seen it exemplified would be Ray from, Mr Inbetween;

This is when you have gotten my attention. For whatever reason, you have given me reason to leave all social pretense behind, and now we are going to have a “conversation”.

This version of the stare is uncomfortable, because it’s supposed to be. This one is because a decision has been made to engage with the situation authentically. This can be inconvenient for me, but at some point, there is going to be a point in time that I don’t feel like entertaining someone’s bullsh*t. One of the examples of this that I have spoken about before is in the post about when you don’t know you are supposed to be afraid in certain situations. This one, in particular, was about my sister and her ex. if you want to reread it again, or read it for the first time, here is the link:

When You Don't Know You're Supposed To Be Afraid

This is a disconcerting place to be for a neurotypical. It is a shift in what they thought they knew, and where they stood in terms of a power dynamic.

What is it like when a psychopath’s patience runs out?

Like glass breaking.

Usually, when I am dealing with people, I am either very sweet and kind, or I am very laid back and mellow. What I am not is aggressive or confrontational. People often then make the mistake of assuming that it isn’t there at all. However, it very much is when I need it to be.

It takes people aback. They don’t exactly know how to respond, and often they just back down. The other psychopath that I know describes it as being entirely present, or the current breaking from beneath the smooth river.

I say it is like glass breaking because of the intentional barrier between my real self, and who people perceive me to be, is gone. Their expectations are subverted, and often not in a way that is comfortable.

Instead of sweet, they get determined.

Instead of kind, they get cold.

I am not interested in discussion at that point. A line has been crossed, and any part of me that was interested in placation, or gentling us to a solution has been turned off.

I think what people experience is all of the things that I do to make them comfortable disappear. That is shocking in and of itself. Then there is a person there that isn’t afraid of them, doesn’t care what they think, isn’t making concessions for them. That part of me I do to be nice, and that time has passed.

The part of me they are left with isn’t looking for a solution that makes everyone happy, just an ending of whatever it is that made me leave all pretense aside. I have never been a violent person, but without the mask and when I actually am aggressive, it is really apparent to the other person, that it’s a choice that I am making. It isn’t that I am incapable, and it isn’t that I am unwilling.

It makes them reevaluate what they are willing to put into this exchange, instead of thinking that I am as laid back as they assumed.

It takes a lot to get to this point. I am nothing if not pragmatic, and I know what sorts of inconvenience comes from an exchange like that above, but that doesn’t mean that exchange won’t prove itself to be necessary. If and when it does, people realize that the person that they have convinced themselves I am, even if I have, in the past, made it abundantly clear that they are getting the polished version of what they need out of a relationship with me, is just that, a fantasy that they have convinced themselves is the real version. Now that they are confronted with the actual me, things tend to get uncomfortable for them.

I do give warnings about the path they are heading down, if they pay attention. Oftentimes, they are too emotional to be bothered with this, but from time to time people will actually notice that the air in the conversation is different, or that my facial expression has changed. This brings us back to the predatory state. When I get to the place where I am not bothering with the social expectations in our respective relationship, one of the warnings that people get is that stare. If they can get past the nose of their own face and actually notice the situation they are in, it is enough to end the problem right then.

I often get asked, what is it about this stare that changes how people act? It’s sort of fascinating, when you look at it. Humans are animals. Never forget that. The brain from which decisions are made choices is still fighting between logic, emotion, and primal instinct.

From the time humans are young, they are taught to engage in life in the matter of play. Play teaches us rules of engagement, rules for retreat, rules for discord. It is within play that the basics of human interaction begin to take shape for our experience in the larger world that is life.

Humans are still engaged in a game. Jordan Peterson, in his Maps of Meaning lecture series, details this abundantly well. Every interaction that is had with another human being is a type of a game. Everyone understands the rules, and it is through these mutual understandings that human interaction is possible.

He states that the normative human is not peaceful and anxiety-free, but instead, they are just as much terrified and murderous as they are calm and collected. Circumstances have to be very exacting for humans to be calm and collected, and the reason that they can interact with each other is a mutual understanding of the game of life.

The game of life is played through a very large group of shared assumptions between the two players. They posit that when confronted with one another; humans don’t actually see each other, but rather, they see a facade that is constructed from these assumptions and through politeness. This shared basis of assumptions or rules are what dictate that any interaction won’t break down into violence and strife.

These rules are easily shifted and easily disrupted for the balance to shift and one person to appear or seem to not be playing within the set assumptions. He interestingly enough uses the example of a psychopathic person shifting that balance and making the other person uneasy because they understand that the same set of assumptions and rules do not apply to that person.

The reason people do not hurt each other is that they are raised to believe in this set of assumptions. It is the domestication of a primate species that it has done to itself. There are still violations of these social constructs and reasons why they break down. There are people that simply do not adhere to them for a variety of reasons, be it that they are emotionally unable to at that given moment, or that they have no interest in doing so. It is a game that humans have been trained to play since they were children.

It’s upsetting, because all the rules are now off the table. Whatever decisions that you might think you are capable of making, and what you might need to do in a particular situation, you are now in that situation, and that stare

makes it very evident that the other person doesn’t have any decisions to make. They are long past that stage, and you are behind. I have seen people dismiss the predatory stare as a joke, or something that is made up to make psychopaths look more intimidating. A couple of things about that.

1. This is directly disputed by people that actually work with criminal psychopaths. Not only is it something that has been talked about repeatedly in studies and personal accounts, it has been something that the experts on psychopathy, across the board, have said is a very real thing.

2. If this stare doesn’t work on you, you are at a disadvantage. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but that stare is a warning. Your instincts should pick up on it as dangerous. If they don’t, that shouldn’t be something to be proud of, it should be something to take note of.

Think of it this way, I am describing it in terms of being socially compliant me. I am in the world, and want the world to work to my advantage as much as possible. I have motivation to not be bothered with getting into confrontations with people. Sure, if you are across from me and don’t pick up the warning, that isn’t to your advantage, but I am also more inclined to not reach that stage, but that’s me.

Now imagine someone on the street, and night, and you’re alone, and you come across someone that stares at you like that. Maybe that stare doesn’t bother you, but in my estimation, it should. That person does not have good intentions towards you, and your fight or flight instincts firing right about now would be infinitely useful. You are going to need that adrenaline.

The predatory stare is either flat affect, or being fully present and with intent. Both are disturbing, but they happen in very different circumstances. The first one you might run across because you interrupted my gaming session. The second one because it is necessary.

When my patience hits the end of my willingness to provide it, there will be signs, and one of them will be that stare. I have had people be so in their own heads that they miss it entirely, but for the most part, it is received as well as me slamming a butcher’s knife into a table between us, and looking at the person with a smile, waiting for a response. That response is not often, let’s keep going. It’s usually, full and immediate retreat.

I implore people that do know a psychopath, learn to work things out. Have a conversation when something bothers you, and don’t let things build up until you blow up at them. It won’t work well, and things will go against you in ways you can’t fathom.

A psychopath doesn’t need to ever be violent with someone. We simply have to know what your currency is, and where your emotional wounds are. If the decision is made to take things into the realm of an argument, and emotional harm is what the neurotypical is going for, game, set, and match for us. I won’t bother with such things unless that is the route they want to take. It is always the neurotypical who will go, and I mean quickly go, for the personal attacks. In my mind, you set the rules. You chose, and I’m better at this game.

Personal attacks won’t hurt me. They usually amuse me, and often in these sorts of situations, it will be extremely hard to keep a smile from my face, because I find these interactions very funny. However, I know that tactic will hurt the other person. People don’t fight with ammo that’s ineffective against them. That’s why they use it. It works on them, so that is what they believe works on everyone, and fair game is fair game.

Conversations are always better. My philosophy is simple, we can work out any problems we might have if they are dealt with immediately. If there is a problem, it is far better to just fix it before there is an emotional buildup around it. Once that happens, if the person isn’t mature enough to just deal with it by leaving that aspect out, it won’t turn out well for them.

Aggression in a psychopath isn’t something that will be often seen. There is no reason for it, there is nothing good that comes out of it, but sometimes it’s necessary. When it does show up, it won’t be pleasant, so it is best to just not engage in the first place.