White Lies and Black Truths

Beyond brutal honesty...

Photo by Hulki Okan Tabak on Unsplash

Psychopaths are known for being brutally honest when there is no reason not to filter what is said. Brutal honestly has a place and a time, and it is something that can cause a great deal of distress to someone that is not expecting it.

Socially this is well known, and it is, of course, why white lies were born. It is when you decide against saying what you actually think in order to save the person pain or embarrassment.

Being brutally honest with people doesn’t tend to get a great amount of positive feedback or responses. You have to make choices based on what result you are looking to obtain. If someone asks you something that will blow back hard on you if you're honest, which do you think will bode better in terms of results? Let’s see;

A friend in a dressing room trying to zip a dress that is clearly five sizes too small, and it looks… less than attractive.

“What do you think?”

Option one;

“I think that is a fifteen hundred dollar dress that is made for someone fifty pounds thinner than you are. If you pull that zipper a quarter inch more you are going split it wide open and cost yourself a grand and a half because your ego can’t read dress sizes”.

Option two;

“I think that the burgundy one was a prettier color on you, and it was half the cost. Why pay more for something that isn’t going to look nearly as good? Besides, it looked like it was way better quality, don’t you think?”

I wonder which they are going to respond to better? I am guessing based on experience, it is going to be option two.

However, are you familiar with what a black truth is? A black truth is when you say something to someone that is honest, but it is honesty with the intent of causing that person pain. It can be difficult to determine if a person is being honest for the sake of it, or if they are being honest to crush you intentionally. I suppose an example of this would be if a woman asked, “Does this make me look fat?” When in fact, it does.

The white lie would be, “No, of course not! You’re so beautiful!”

The brutally honest response would be, “Yes, it absolutely does.”

The black truth response would be, “No, the fat makes you look fat. You should burn your entire wardrobe and start over at a farming supply store. They sell horse blankets, right?”

One is the cold hard facts without anything to soften the blow, and the other seeks to cause emotional damage. Many people who utilize black truths think that they are either doing the other person a favor, or, they think they are funny. I have heard plenty of horror stories from people whose parents thought these were character-building, and still can’t figure out why no one calls them on their birthday.

Sometimes, however, not disabusing people of their notions about themselves can cause them far more pain than a black truth, or brutal honesty might have saved them from. Sometimes white lies are far more destructive than either of these things, but they are avoided to protect someone in the moment.

A perfect example would be someone that truly believes that they can sing and want to be the next reality star winner. But they can’t sing…. at all. You know what I mean, we have all seen the first several episodes of most seasons of American Idol. A lot of those people are SHOCKED by the fact that even with a pram, they couldn’t carry a tune if their life depended on it.

So, was it wrong of Simon to say that they outright sucked, and that their dream was a joke? No, not really. It was factual. He is in the position to know and deliver the news that he is basically the gatekeeper of that profession, and that person is never crossing the bridge.

Now, what if you aren’t Mr. Cowell? Is it rude to tell the person that they cannot sing? Now we come to motivation. Are you telling them because you really don’t think that they should audition for American Idol, or are you telling them so they will SHUT UP?

If it’s the first one, technically you are trying to do the best for them saving them humiliation. If it is the latter, you are simply telling them for your own selfish reasons. It may well be the truth, but you have crappy motivation. While it may be true, the undercurrent is one of selfishness, and may cause harm because the motivation is a bad one.

However, long before this person convinced themselves that they were the next vocal star, someone should have told them the brutal honest truth.

YOU. CAN. NOT. SING.

Maybe this could have been softened by a parent offering to get them singing lessons. It may needlessly encourage this hobby of theirs, but perhaps it is something that they can train themselves to get better at. Everything has a learning curve, and perhaps that is all that’s needed. What should not happen, however, is that this person is told throughout their lives by people that do not want to be the bearer of bad news, or worse than that, parents that are absolutely convinced that no one is better than their baby at anything, that they are a great singer. That they are an up-and-coming star.

I have had numerous people message me asking my opinion on their writing. Many of them have been told again and again that they are an amazing writer. They are the next Hemingway, yet their writing is painful to get through. Even if they bother with paragraph breaks and punctuation, it’s a slog to read.

This is something that so far has unfolded predictably. When they first contact me they are very impressed with my writing and would be oh so very humbled if I could read some of theirs and give them some feedback. I agree, find many issues with the work, and am now in the position that many other people should have filled long before they darkened my message box.

I tell them the truth. They will never improve without knowing that they aren’t an already perfected author. However, it is not the truth they want to hear, they want to have their egos stroked, and this exchange they thought would go no differently, despite saying that the reason that they are seeking my opinion is:

I need people who know how to use words to examine how I have used mine, and people who have read many stories and are crafting their own to examine mine, and help me to (if at all possible) improve it, without try to force me to emulate their own style or take on their own ideas. Lacking an ego, as such, I think you would be ideal for this. That, and from what I have seen you are far above average with your writing.

However, when they get the answer that they did not expect, which was a rather long back and forth that I will spare you the effort of reading, their opinion quickly shifts. After giving my feedback to the one quoted above, they immediately thought that they should be able to compare narrative to narrative:

User

May I see some of your work?

Athena Walker 

You see plenty of my work on Quora. Also in the publications that are listed on my profile. As for my fiction, I don’t share it on Quora.

User

I have not been impressed by your writing on Quora. It’s above average to be sure, but there is still much to be desired from it. Based on what you said, I simply assumed your fiction would be of higher quality, and wanted to see what those instructors saw. If it is like your writing here, then I have no interest in it anyway, so it is no problem to me if you don’t want to share it.

Athena Walker 

That’s fine. Don’t be impressed with it. You also don’t have to take my opinion. I have given it, it won’t change. Trying to level me down to what you are feeling is a waste of time and obvious.

Go find writing classes and see if they are of use to you. Obviously, I am not going to be, and frankly, I have no interest in continuing this exercise in tedium.

User

You seem quite prickly for someone who claims not to get offended

And I’m the one whose “feeling” hard done by hahahaha

Athena Walker 

I offered you my opinion. You have been rather ill receiving of it, and that’s fine. I offered you suggestions, and again, ill receiving. This is something that I did as a consideration. I do have other things that I would prefer to do. Your attempts at barbs are obvious and rather silly, not to mention disrespectful.

If you had a genuine interest in my opinion, you wouldn’t feel the need to tell me how everyone else loves it, and if there is a comprehension issue for the clunky writing, clearly that being on my end as you make it a point to tell me that they were not native English speakers. You have done nothing but defend the work, and try to put focus back on me. Blatant manipulation

User

I’m not trying to insult you. If I wasn’t interested in your opinion I wouldn’t ask. I was interested; I did ask; you made claims that I could not substantiate. You offered advice which I considered taking.

End of exchange.

You’re paranoid…

And no I’m not “gaslighting”

Athena Walker 

You did not want to hear the substantiation. You wanted to defend your work. That is a failure on your part, not mine

No, you’re insulting and wasting my time. Go find someone that you are interested in hearing from about your work.

User

I asked several times for you to elucidate further. Your responses were laconic, but not lacking in information. I examined my work and simply could not see what you were saying, so I asked you to explain further. Feel free to go back and check the messages.

So because I’m not impressed with my work I’m insulting? Sure your not a narcissist?

Athena Walker 

“So because I’m not impressed with my work I’m insulting?”

So telling.

No, you’re insulting calling me paranoid, and now a narcissist. We are done.

User

Impressed with your work*

My my has this been fun

Athena Walker 

Not really. Don’t bother me again

User

I don’t take imperative commands

But farewell

Some people waste their lives chasing foolish and unobtainable dreams (thank you stupid teachings of “you can do anything you can dream of if you set your mind to it”). They think that they already have all that they need, and to tell them otherwise is simply denying the reality that they are about to conquer the world, because they can do anything, and are already the best.

The reality is, no, they can’t, and they aren’t. There are prerequisites that need to be met in order for that person to fit that role. In this day and age though, telling them what they need to hear means that you are crushing their dreams. Bad you. How dare you?

Personally, I find this silly. How far are we willing to go to protect people’s egos? At what point do we accept telling people that they can succeed, while all the while lowering standards of excellence to assure that they do? This job should not fall to a stranger on the internet, though that is no longer the case because I do not like giving my opinion on others writing for the exact reasoning above. As I said, it follows the same pattern every time.

Imagine if I were neurotypical and dreamed of being an engineer? Engineers have to be good at something I fundamentally suck at. Math.

Yeah, that’s pretty important in engineering, and I suck at it. What if I thought I was going to do it, and no one was going to stop me? What if I had the mentality of, You don’t know me! I can fly! I can do anything! I won’t fail!!

This is not the occasion for any white lies. The outcome would be terrible for everyone.

I would still fail, and miserably. Seriously, someone should have stepped in, hopefully, a parent, and been brutally honest, “Sweetie, I love you, but if you’re an engineer, people are going to die.”

Or, give me the black truth, because, in that situation, I would have more than earned it:

“You suck at math hard You suck at math so hard, they should make a new category for you. It can call it the Athena Walker category of math suckage. Population, you. People should learn about your absolute inability to do math so they feel better about their own issues when they struggle with it. You could become an old adage that people rely on to give themselves confidence. “Well, I might be made, but at least I’m not Athena Walker bad, and thank god for that.” Seriously, you would have a better chance at meeting and marrying an alien than you ever will have at being an engineer. Like… why would you ever think that you would be good at it? Do you also think you can fly? I bet you do. You think you can fly, and that you are good at math. Geez… we need to get your head examined…”

“Wait a minute… you’re a psychopath… you do just want to murder people, don’t you?”

In this case, a black truth would be far preferable than having an entire collegiate system giving me a pass through math classes that I failed at miserably all the way up until they give me that bridge to design, and it collapses when a moth lands on it.

Ha! Who am I kidding? It would never get built in the first place. Pretty sure structural engineers need to be able to draw, and I can do that either. Can you imagine? I show up to work on Monday morning and I’m like,

“All right guys, I have the plans. Here’s what we’re building.”

And then I give them this:

They’re like… “Nooooooo… that’s not going to work. How did you become an engineer? Someone should have told you what this job entails. Is your degree printed on the back of a kid’s menu? Let me see it. Who hired you? I’m going to need names.”

And it would have crushed my little NT dreams and I would have to regroup, finding something I was actually good at. This should be done waaaay more often. Instead, we have people that don’t speak the truth and let ridiculous dreams run unchecked, and wasting people’s lives.

A white lie can change the course of someone’s life. Sometimes good, sometimes bad.

A black truth can ruin it with the intent of doing so

Brutal honesty can be ignored with the excuse of assigning the malice of the black truth to the brutal honesty.

Dealing with the emotional downfalls of rejection and self-limitation is difficult, but it shouldn’t be avoided for the sake of someone’s feelings. However, someone’s ambitions should not be fodder for a campaign of emotional destruction either. Finding a balance is rather crucial and it takes emotional maturity and a fair amount of cognitive empathy.

Unless the person is Athena Walker… and she thinks she can become an engineer. In that case, let her have all the black truth you can manage.

You’ll save lives.

You’ll be a hero.