Mar 22, 2023·edited Mar 22, 2023Liked by Athena Walker
Interesting. I was one if the women who was not looking to marry or have children. But I did marry for the adventure of it. The 3rd time I was about 32 and at at 35 the bell went off. I had never even noticed pregnant women on the street. I did not like babies. I liked puppies. I knew I was not particularly maternal and not at all domestically inclined.
What changed?
I had a big insight in which I could see two things at once: my nice relatively predictable life of study, work, friends, a mate and great vacations vs a deeper level of life where I have children and all the things that means. It was like comparing 2D to 3D. I chose the later and 45 years later am still there with my husband, 2 adult daughters, and a grandchild.
It occurs to me that if for reasons of her own a female psychopath decided to spawn a human or two that she could be an excellent mother should she so chose. I mean I have dogs and cattle myself and a lack of emotional empathy doesn't result in my mistreating them and in fact I rather like having them around. The dogs have their job of early warning system and heat source on cold nights and are actually entertaining to take on walks and play fetch with. The cattle in general have a very good life with only what I say is one really bad day right at the end.
I had the good fortune to have a father and stepmother who explained to me at a young age (6 or 7) that:
1. Society would expect various things of me, among them to have children
2. These expectations are wrong and I am under no obligation to fulfill them. Indeed, they should be ignored.
3. Above all, "Everyone is doing it" is never a good reason to do anything.
My mom might even have liked to have a granchild one day, but she never made a big deal about it. It was always, "Get yourself established in your career first, then maybe you can think about that."
But then I got breast cancer and had to have chemo. I was quite young at the time - not even 40 yet. So, the first thing my mom did was run out and have herself tested, just in case it ran in the family and just happened to have shown up in me first.
Thankfully, the tests came out negative. But then she realized that the chemo could render me sterile, so - since I myself am an only child - she just made peace with the idea that she would never have a grandchild, and had done with it.
At any rate, I never was able to understand even why my own parents bothered to have me, let alone why anyone else bothers to have children. Indeed, I am now nearly 60 years old, and I thank God every day that I am child-free. I prefer the company of cats, although they can sometimes be hard to live with. I am sure that a child would be exponentially more difficult :)
One thing my Mom would say to people is 'it's selfish to have children knowing you can't take care of them' whenever they tried to make the argument that its selfish to not have kids.
While I understand why people have this attitude, I think people also need to realize that a huge portion of a therapist's clients are there due to crappy childhoods. My parents love me and want what's best for me, but even then I still have memories from my early childhood of them complaining about how much it costs to raise me and my siblings. My mom also complained about how "lazy" me and my older brother were but would then yell at us for not doing the chores "correctly". To them it was just venting about life; to me, it was an inescapable trap of guilt and shame.
How many people who pressure others to have kids are willing to adopt those children themselves? Take on the financial burden of raising those children? Have the patience to deal with children? Parenthood is a HUGE thing to expect of someone, and there are a million and one ways to mess someone up for life.
I've never liked babies. As a child, I couldn't fathom why adult women were so gaga about them. I didn't like baby dolls, either. But, I learned to dislike them even more when I started babysitting at age 12. I was popular for some reason, so I was always booked, but I only rarely liked children, and always once they were older. I ended up raising several children to school age during college working as a private nanny. All of these experiences convinced me without any doubt that I would never want to be a mother.
One of the weirdest remarks I received after saying that I would never have children, was to be asked who would take care of me in my old age. I was dumbfounded. Do people actually have children for this purpose? I would hate to tell this person, but there is no guarantee that a child will take care of you. In fact, they might end up on drugs, or in bad relationships, or in poverty, and so many possibilities that would make caregiving highly unlikely. As a matter of fact, I have seen elderly parents still taking care of wayward, or ill adult children.
However, fate intervened, and my significant other's ex-wife died, leaving their two small children motherless. I was well acquainted with these kids, and fond of them. I knew that I would take over where their mother left off, and they've always called me "mom". They never considered me to be their stepmother. They've been a lot of fun, and a lot of trouble, but both have great careers, are successfully married, and the grandchildren are adorable. I find being a grandmother more suitable to my naturebecause I don't want to discipline, or worry about instilling values, or teaching anything. Their parents have to do all of that worrying and work, while I just spoil them, which is loads of fun.
However, like Karol, if I'm going to have a planned child it will always be a cat. I knew this as a small child, and felt profoundly related to them, often understanding them far more than I do humans.
Mar 22, 2023·edited Mar 22, 2023Liked by Athena Walker
Thank you for offering a fresh perspective. I also never wanted children but I didn't let other opinions on this matter affect me much. But I've been gaslighted my whole life by people thinking they know what I feel, and I experienced exactly what you described. Rage at not being seen for who I am, like I don't even exist. I don't care if people don't like me, but if they don't see me for who I am, they are taking away my identity. Anyway, I had to let it go and realize that I was just wasting precious time and energy that could be spent living my life the way I want and towards achieving my personal goals. I don't know if I thought my preferences should dictate the world but I would prefer a world that was a little more accepting of those of us who are different. If there is genetic wisdom in the behavior of the majority, there must be some genetic wisdom in being different too. I suppose I'm still entitled 😂
Someone may not like children but for me the children is the source of happiness, like my family always talk about my sister's child, how cute he is,.... despite that my mother and father hate each other and never done any sentence without arguing...I suppose the children have the ability to control people's emotions
VERY interesting post. Much wisdom about species wisdom showing up in various ways. And the practical and logical fallacy of assuming that one's own viewpoint and experience are "typical" of the reality of what it's like to be human. And especially yes, the arrogance of both making that assumption and also foisting it off onto others.
Re the whole "want to have kids" thing, when I was in my teens and early twenties, I thought I would have kids. Never gave it much analytical thought. But after my marriage broke at 25 and I didn't have the kid I'd planned to have around then, the thought of having them became less and less attractive. And children's voices became like that scratching on blackboard sound sending shivers up my spine. (Atavistically yuck!) Which it still does when said voices get shrill. Oddly, I still felt that way even when my hormones went amuck in my early-mid forties (yeah, that biological clock ticked big time). My body may have been screaming Yes Kids, but my mind was screaming Hell No.
Curiously enough, I did fall in love with -- and ultimately committed to -- a guy with four kids -- and have become a sort-of-step-mom to all four of them. That is, I care about them, they care about me. And I admit that they do enrich my life. It's now hard to imagine how my life would be without them.
But that whole notion of "Mom", yeah, I still don't really embrace that. (Having had a toxic mom certainly plays a role in that.) And yes, I'm neurotypical.
Interesting. I was one if the women who was not looking to marry or have children. But I did marry for the adventure of it. The 3rd time I was about 32 and at at 35 the bell went off. I had never even noticed pregnant women on the street. I did not like babies. I liked puppies. I knew I was not particularly maternal and not at all domestically inclined.
What changed?
I had a big insight in which I could see two things at once: my nice relatively predictable life of study, work, friends, a mate and great vacations vs a deeper level of life where I have children and all the things that means. It was like comparing 2D to 3D. I chose the later and 45 years later am still there with my husband, 2 adult daughters, and a grandchild.
It occurs to me that if for reasons of her own a female psychopath decided to spawn a human or two that she could be an excellent mother should she so chose. I mean I have dogs and cattle myself and a lack of emotional empathy doesn't result in my mistreating them and in fact I rather like having them around. The dogs have their job of early warning system and heat source on cold nights and are actually entertaining to take on walks and play fetch with. The cattle in general have a very good life with only what I say is one really bad day right at the end.
I had the good fortune to have a father and stepmother who explained to me at a young age (6 or 7) that:
1. Society would expect various things of me, among them to have children
2. These expectations are wrong and I am under no obligation to fulfill them. Indeed, they should be ignored.
3. Above all, "Everyone is doing it" is never a good reason to do anything.
My mom might even have liked to have a granchild one day, but she never made a big deal about it. It was always, "Get yourself established in your career first, then maybe you can think about that."
But then I got breast cancer and had to have chemo. I was quite young at the time - not even 40 yet. So, the first thing my mom did was run out and have herself tested, just in case it ran in the family and just happened to have shown up in me first.
Thankfully, the tests came out negative. But then she realized that the chemo could render me sterile, so - since I myself am an only child - she just made peace with the idea that she would never have a grandchild, and had done with it.
At any rate, I never was able to understand even why my own parents bothered to have me, let alone why anyone else bothers to have children. Indeed, I am now nearly 60 years old, and I thank God every day that I am child-free. I prefer the company of cats, although they can sometimes be hard to live with. I am sure that a child would be exponentially more difficult :)
Well Athena, I've never had a maternal inclination in my life. Had a tubal ligation early and celebrated!
One thing my Mom would say to people is 'it's selfish to have children knowing you can't take care of them' whenever they tried to make the argument that its selfish to not have kids.
While I understand why people have this attitude, I think people also need to realize that a huge portion of a therapist's clients are there due to crappy childhoods. My parents love me and want what's best for me, but even then I still have memories from my early childhood of them complaining about how much it costs to raise me and my siblings. My mom also complained about how "lazy" me and my older brother were but would then yell at us for not doing the chores "correctly". To them it was just venting about life; to me, it was an inescapable trap of guilt and shame.
How many people who pressure others to have kids are willing to adopt those children themselves? Take on the financial burden of raising those children? Have the patience to deal with children? Parenthood is a HUGE thing to expect of someone, and there are a million and one ways to mess someone up for life.
I've never liked babies. As a child, I couldn't fathom why adult women were so gaga about them. I didn't like baby dolls, either. But, I learned to dislike them even more when I started babysitting at age 12. I was popular for some reason, so I was always booked, but I only rarely liked children, and always once they were older. I ended up raising several children to school age during college working as a private nanny. All of these experiences convinced me without any doubt that I would never want to be a mother.
One of the weirdest remarks I received after saying that I would never have children, was to be asked who would take care of me in my old age. I was dumbfounded. Do people actually have children for this purpose? I would hate to tell this person, but there is no guarantee that a child will take care of you. In fact, they might end up on drugs, or in bad relationships, or in poverty, and so many possibilities that would make caregiving highly unlikely. As a matter of fact, I have seen elderly parents still taking care of wayward, or ill adult children.
However, fate intervened, and my significant other's ex-wife died, leaving their two small children motherless. I was well acquainted with these kids, and fond of them. I knew that I would take over where their mother left off, and they've always called me "mom". They never considered me to be their stepmother. They've been a lot of fun, and a lot of trouble, but both have great careers, are successfully married, and the grandchildren are adorable. I find being a grandmother more suitable to my naturebecause I don't want to discipline, or worry about instilling values, or teaching anything. Their parents have to do all of that worrying and work, while I just spoil them, which is loads of fun.
However, like Karol, if I'm going to have a planned child it will always be a cat. I knew this as a small child, and felt profoundly related to them, often understanding them far more than I do humans.
Thank you for offering a fresh perspective. I also never wanted children but I didn't let other opinions on this matter affect me much. But I've been gaslighted my whole life by people thinking they know what I feel, and I experienced exactly what you described. Rage at not being seen for who I am, like I don't even exist. I don't care if people don't like me, but if they don't see me for who I am, they are taking away my identity. Anyway, I had to let it go and realize that I was just wasting precious time and energy that could be spent living my life the way I want and towards achieving my personal goals. I don't know if I thought my preferences should dictate the world but I would prefer a world that was a little more accepting of those of us who are different. If there is genetic wisdom in the behavior of the majority, there must be some genetic wisdom in being different too. I suppose I'm still entitled 😂
Someone may not like children but for me the children is the source of happiness, like my family always talk about my sister's child, how cute he is,.... despite that my mother and father hate each other and never done any sentence without arguing...I suppose the children have the ability to control people's emotions
VERY interesting post. Much wisdom about species wisdom showing up in various ways. And the practical and logical fallacy of assuming that one's own viewpoint and experience are "typical" of the reality of what it's like to be human. And especially yes, the arrogance of both making that assumption and also foisting it off onto others.
Re the whole "want to have kids" thing, when I was in my teens and early twenties, I thought I would have kids. Never gave it much analytical thought. But after my marriage broke at 25 and I didn't have the kid I'd planned to have around then, the thought of having them became less and less attractive. And children's voices became like that scratching on blackboard sound sending shivers up my spine. (Atavistically yuck!) Which it still does when said voices get shrill. Oddly, I still felt that way even when my hormones went amuck in my early-mid forties (yeah, that biological clock ticked big time). My body may have been screaming Yes Kids, but my mind was screaming Hell No.
Curiously enough, I did fall in love with -- and ultimately committed to -- a guy with four kids -- and have become a sort-of-step-mom to all four of them. That is, I care about them, they care about me. And I admit that they do enrich my life. It's now hard to imagine how my life would be without them.
But that whole notion of "Mom", yeah, I still don't really embrace that. (Having had a toxic mom certainly plays a role in that.) And yes, I'm neurotypical.
Wow, felt some Neil deGrasse Tyson vibes going on, lol. Great article, thanks once more, Athena!