Some time ago before I had kids, I lived in a suburban neighborhood. My husband was out of town for work. I went for an evening jog. The streets were well-lit and I stayed on the sidewalk. I jogged to a nearby grocery store and then back home. On my way back, a young man walking alone on the street called out to me to get my attention. I thought maybe he needed help or something, so I took off my headphones and jogged in place to speak with him. He asked me how old I was. I was surprised at the question but I told him that I was thirty years old.
“You look a lot younger,” he said. “I’m 18.”
I didn’t know where he was going with that so I politely nodded and said, “Ok, well, I’m going to get back to my run.”
“Are you single?”
Uh-oh, I thought.
“Nope. Happily married. Bye!”
I resumed my run but he changed course and began walking after me.
I decided to call my husband, but it went to voicemail.
I acted like he had picked up and spoke loudly.
“Hey, I am on my way home. Uh huh. See you soon. Love you. Bye.”
It didn’t seem to do much for me. Every street I crossed, the kid followed. So I put on the speed and sprinted home, then locked all the doors and called my husband again.
He answered this time. I told him about the guy and said I was thinking about calling the police, except he hadn’t actually threatened me.
My husband told me where he kept his handgun and asked me if I could remember how to load it. I was terrified at that point and my hands were shaky and weak. He told me to call the police.
Even though I was scared, I also didn’t want to call the police. I decided to wait and see what happened. I sat in my locked, dark house for about an hour until I was sure that I had lost him and he couldn’t figure out where I had gone.
I no longer go running alone at night, even in well lit areas. It’s true, it’s hard for some reason to overcome the instinct to be polite. It may because of an oft-perpetuated stereotype of the unreasonably paranoid/hysterical woman.
I would also advise - although I’m not advising you are wrong in situation to call 911- is to have your city’s NON-emergency number saved in your phone.
When you have even the SLIGHTEST paranoia that your safety might be endangered, call them.
Make sure to provide an address and request a welfare check or whatever the need is.
I've had similar experiences going to a laundry mat at night, and having some jerk try to follow me home! Instead of going home I went to a public place. What he was trying to do was disturbing me, and I didn't want him to know where I lived. Things like this have happened even at the Public Library, where one should be able to assume that it would be safe at any time! It is not paranoia if it really happens!! Or, if it is paranoid, too bad. Better safe than sorry.
Excellent article, Athena. An extreme example of this can be seen in Werner Herzog's "Grizzly Man", the true story of Timothy Treadwell, who arrogantly believed that he was safely communing with bears, and took a girlfriend, Amie Huguenard, to join him on a trip that ended in their deaths. I'm not sure how much of this was arrogance, and how much of it was naivity, but it costs lives.
I recently heard about a family with young children whose pit bull mauled and killed the children. The parents couldn’t understand how it could happen; he’d been the family pet for years and had never acted violently. Animals are NOT people. And a pit bull is not a suitable companion for young children.
I have gone through dog bite statistics, and pit bulls are the largest percentage of offenders. People get very angry about that, but it doesn't change the numbers.
The fact that apartment complexes that will accept other pets have banned them is telling enough. The facts speak for themselves, and they rightfully refuse that level of liability.
Not in the stories that I've read. It's just the arrogance of ignorance. Or, thinking that nothing bad will ever happen just because it hasn't yet. It only takes one time...
It's bad enough when highly trained people like Steve Irwin succumb to injuries while messing with dangerous animals in the "entertainment" industry. At least, there was a calculated risk involved, and experience. But the hubris of the Treadwell guy was astonishing, as though he considered himself to be the patron saint of grizzly bears. Sadly, he brought his guillable girlfriend with him.
I recently let my parents have it with both barrels over this very thing. My elderly father thought he’d be funny by making a joke about having “a million lying around “ in a restaurant. I asked if he was planning to spend the last minutes of his life listening to my mother scream as she was raped and tortured to make him reveal the location of the non-existent “millions “
I think I scared them and an unfortunate waitress badly
I deal with anxiety so it can be difficult figuring out what is dangerous and what is just me overreacting. My brother at one point told me that I was good at detecting red flags to which I responded,
"Sure but if I have the attitude that I'll never be a victim, then that guarantees that I'll be a victim."
"That sounds paranoid but alright."
Then there's also health anxiety. Over the years I've dealt with seemingly random pains that occur on various parts of my torso. One time I thought I had a gallstone, but an ultrasound revealed that I didn't have one. Same with appendicitis, nothing. Now I usually treat the random pain as normal but always with that persistent threat that maybe it's different this time. I remember during this time staying up all night thinking I'm going to die, only for in the morning being told that I was fine.
So I’ll say that I HEAVILY relate to what your saying. I’ve had a torso CT scan due to a worry of mine and it turned out to be nothing. Same with blood work.
Definitely the behavior is worrying a lot, I don’t know if I call it paranoia (although there are different manifestations).
Are you concerned, fundamentally, about how LONG you will survive?
I don't think of it in terms of how long I will survive but more a worry that I'm ignoring something that is fundamentally life threatening. So far I've had on again and off again pain for a few years and nothing serious has happened yet. I still have the habit of worrying about 'wasting medical staff's time' and I only occasionally make a doctor's appointment.
My mom has had multiple experiences of doctors pooh-poohing her concerns or writing it off as “stress,” even though her symptoms were not typically brought on by stress. She rarely goes to the doctor anymore because she’s tired of being condescended to and treated like she’s somehow bringing it on herself. She has very healthy habits and her only unhealthy habit is worrying about things she doesn’t have any control over.
I think there’s a difference between being cautious and being paranoid, but unfortunately, many people nowadays seem to interpret any amount of caution as paranoia.
A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself if your caution is excessive to the point that it impedes your ability to function normally. If you can’t leave your house at all or don’t interact with people at all, or refuse to use any form of transportation, or won’t go to any store or bank or so on, then yes, it’s likely paranoia.
You're right, perhaps paranoia wasn't the best descriptor. Low level anxiety maybe? I wouldn't say normal caution since I'll even apply it to people I have known for years. It's not necessarily that I believe that they have malicious intent, but rather that I know that everyone has their own morality and if they believe themselves superior to others, than I'm right to think that they're going to impose said morality onto others, damn any protest.
I remember this thread. The thing is, I have always had trouble with social skills my entire life and unfortunately I became good at "detecting red flags" by being burned too many times. While I appreciate everyone in this thread for telling me that I'm not being unreasonable, I also know that I'm too much of a recluse and it's something I need to work on.
Brings to mind the Darwin Awards. At least, when folks do things like this while of reproductive age, they truly are improving the gene pool.
My own illusion of safety was smashed when I was 25. And clearly I did survive a potentially life-threatening encounter. So there's that. Mostly my error was that because I had always lived in relatively safe neighborhoods, it didn't occur to me that perhaps I had just moved into a neighborhood that was not safe. (Of course, "safe neighborhood" is a relative term; some are safer than others; some more dangerous than others; but that's just statistics. Lethal dangers *can* exist everywhere.)
I’m still thinking about the thing you said last week (?) about the door being unlocked when you knew you locked it. I could do something like that.
I watch a lot of true crime and I don’t always know if I’m “just paranoid”.
There is a young woman FB friend, former co-worker. She got a divorce and moved to Vegas. She posted night after night about being at bars and drinking and these guy friends she made in her apartment complex. It’s hard to look at. There are a zillion true crime stories about just that scenario. She found a boyfriend so she hasn’t been going out or posting about going out anyway.
I feel like my mother, cautioning a younger woman about men and bars (so i don’t), but yikes.
Athena, "The Illusion of Safety" is a perfect continuation/nuance of your recent article "Normalcy Biases Are dangerous". It is not nature and/or others that are potentially dangerous (which they are) but our biases, naivety, arrogance and self-indulgence. By the way, it strikes me a bit that, on the one hand, psychopaths like you (as you yourself have stated on more than one occasion on Quora) have a greater attraction/tolerance/lack of fear towards danger due to certain traits of impulsivity, curiosity, etc. But, on the other hand, you occasionally warn us against the dangers of not being aware of potential threats, red flags, etc. I wonder if you could explain a bit more about this apparent paradox (if it is a paradox at all). Perhaps because of my professional deformation as a film scriptwriter, I would like to recommend 4 great films (among many others) that deal very well with these issues (i.e. the tremendous consequences of being blind to both human and/or natural red flags):
Hmm, that seems like a paradox? To me, they aren't related. Perhaps they are.
I will think about this more, but I think it might have to do with an evaluation of loss acceptance. I don't suffer for mistakes aside from in the physical realm, so making them doesn't have much in the cost column in the cost/benefit analysis, but neurotypicals can suffer a great deal from losses because they experience them emotionally.
Another great movie that illustrates the illusion of safety is "Kalifornia", in which a sophisticated New York couple, David Duchovny and Michelle Forbes, hookup with a couple of complete strangers to share the costs of a cross country road trip. The other couple is brilliantly played by Brad Pitt at his sleaziest, with Juliette Lewis, awesome as his childlike dimwitted girlfriend.
You can see it for free at Amazon, but there were commercials, and that puts the breaks on the rhythm of a horror thriller. I just watched it again yesterday, and read a lot of reviews, which were all over the place, usually a good thing. If you love to hate good guy Duchovny, his character is a pretentious idiot, on top of everything else. If I had been his girlfriend, I would have been spared this huge mess, because I would have demanded to be dropped off at the first airport right after this trip started. Call me a snob - I don't care. But be ready to suspend disbelief, and just have fun watching Pitt and Lewis. They're worth every moment, even though they're both extremely disturbing over-the-top characters. I had to laugh at Pitt a lot. His character says some of the dumbest things that I've ever heard, but with the most incredibly loathsome swagger, lol. I was torn between wanting to rescue pathetic Lewis, and knowing that she would drive me out of my mind within five minutes, if I succeeded. So, oh well. Grab the popcorn!
You are speaking directly to the heart of it and deadly serious. Truth you bring.
"Deliverance"- Quentin Tarantino spoke about this film in an interview just last Friday with Bill Maher, his regular show, first guest. If you get a chance, love to hear your reaction.
Someone else wrote recently (my apologizes if on Athena's sub-stack) that Ned Beatty was brutally raped but... the comment was to the attitude after the attack: It was like he basically laughed it off and more or less accepted it in a sort of "yeah I got boned by these guys and all that, sure".
I wonder why people assume the world is safe under these extreme circumstances. Is it an emotional protection? The same way we have people too scared of the world we have those who trust too much?
Some people get very offended when advised to be cautious. "What do you mean as a woman I shouldn't walk alone at night? I dress whatever I feel like and if I am attacked it is never the victim's fault"
Well I agree it's not the victim's fault but that's still very dangerous thinking. This won't stop an attack.
I think this is why some people wants to assume the world owes them safety. They confuse being cautious with being scared. They don't want to feel scared, so they act like there are no dangers.
Denial yes, but I see no bizarre entitlement. Morally people ARE 'entitled' not to be attacked, but since the world doesn't work that way, it's foolish to act reckless.
It would be fascinating if someone could conduct a survey on the relationship between people’s attitudes about danger relative to their family’s attitudes about danger, their personality type, and other factors, to discover if there is a common factor that would predict what someone’s attitude toward danger might be.
I was raised by an extremely cautious mother. My dad was extremely impulsive and carefree. He was constantly being injured, taken advantage of, and getting himself into situations that required us to bail him out physically, emotionally, or financially. His poor choices impacted me in a lot of ways.
I am not a worry-wart like my mother (she worries about things she has zero control over) but I am definitely a cautious person after watching my dad throw caution to the wind constantly despite the countless times it went badly for him. He’s not stupid; in fact he’s accomplished some brilliant things in his lifetime, including inventing several products that are on the market today. So it’s not an intelligence issue necessarily.
Good point. So often when someone’s behavior baffles us, we jump to the conclusion that they’re not as intelligent (or maybe that’s just me 🫣) but you’re so right. It’s more likely a difference in values. What we prioritize as most valuable and which things we’re willing to let go of or sacrifice will ultimately determine how we make our decisions. Thanks for the lightbulb moment, Athena! Your wisdom continues to astound me.
My first boyfriend had a genius I.Q., but he was ADHD. I shutter at the crazy, dangerous things that I did with him. I broke up with him mainly from exhaustion, lol. He was a great guy, a lot of fun, intellectually fascinating, but the things that he found to be fun were too dangerous for me. Our group of friends followed whatever he wanted to do, and two of them were nearly killed in the process (long story). So, lack of caution can be high testosterone, or like my ex, ADHD. Or, a type of psychopathy. Intelligence wouldn't affect those types of fearlessness.
Very true. I often caution people about following my whims as it may not turn out well for them. It may not turn out well for me either, but that's my problem.
Another thing that comes to mind from reading this excellent article involves who you trust your children with. I've heard too many stories of "trusted family friends" molesting children. This could be seriously paranoid, but I wouldn't feel comfortable with any friend who wanted to spend an unusual amount of their free time caring for my children. That makes no sense to me. I don't have small children, but I like them quite a lot. Still, I don't care to spend time with anyone else's kids unless it's for some good reason. It certainly wouldn't be an activity that I'd continually offer to do. Maybe I'm selfish, or maybe the kind of person who always wants to be with someone else's kids is suspect. This is controversial, but Michael Jackson comes to mind. I have no idea whether or not he had any untoward activity with children, but I would have had serious concerns if he insisted on sharing a bed with one of mine. I would never have allowed my kids to sleep in the same bed with him, or any other adult male. I wouldn't care how many financial incentives were provided, or how innocent he seemed to be. Maybe M. Jackson was asexual and I'd have been overprotective, but that's better than taking a chance on a child's safety.
I absolutely agree. Parents should be more tuned in and cautious with both people they know, and those they do not.
It's amazing how many parents will advertise for child-care, and they want to pay a stranger something like $100.00 a week to watch their kids full time. If someone is willing to take that deal, you definitely do not want to grant them access to your children.
this was a spot on read and very applicable. i've been...(i'll say i've been a hypervigilante! infinitely cooler), and have also had massive difficulty taking everything very literally, including taking people at face-value/thinking everyone is honest like me (not that i haven't lied, but i'm usually honest. my brain has the lens: have information, can't betray it). it's gotten me into trouble. thankfully, i've been able to realize this recently + work on setting up better safeguards for myself.
i've never seen the world as safe and have never approached any part of it as such (though ive been blindsided by other factors); it's always been quite unsafe to me, but i've seen my family view the world as you've described here; laughing when i say something feels off (then it was), rolling their eyes at covid (guess who got covid x2 - not me), etc. i hate that people have this mindset and i don't think it has to be paralyzing to be wise and prepared. i don't understand this. it's foolish.
i do wish i could sneakily add some of my danger-blind family members to the subscription list for this and the last one! well done!
Long ago when I was still young, short, slender and cute I was coming back from martial arts training fairly late. I stop at a convenience store to fill the tank of my 1972 AMC Gremlin and I see a commotion inside the store.
I go in after filling my tank and see that a deer has run inside and is basically trapped because waxed linoleum gives no purchase to hooves. It attempted to climb into booths by the window to jump out but fell back and landed near the counter.
I yelled at the woman behind the counter to throw her jacket over the deer's head before it can get away. She did while it was getting up and almost missed.
I tackled the deer, bulldogged it and kicked its front feet out from under it and lay on its head. I shouted for someone to grab its hind legs and help me. BTW the deer outweighed me and deer are really strong
I had it pinned and waited. Cops arrived in full SWAT gear, stare and say on their radios, "Yeah it really is a deer"
They zip tied its feet and animal control came to get it. I don't know what happened to it afterward
I gave the woman her jacket back but I don't recall if I paid for my gas.
At no point did I feel anything like fear. I think my pulse rate may have decreased in fact.
Everyone else in the store was terrified but a skinny, short, 18 year old walked in and took control of what was developing into a very bad situation and they all did exactly what I told them to do
You are full of good, common sense advice (which seems to escape most people nowadays) your material which is of a 'self help' inclination is very valuable and interesting. It's much more interesting than the material in Dutton/Mcnab's book 'the good psychopaths guide to bossing your life' which I just read and thought was very lacking/boring. Although I'm a big fan of Dutton in general and 'The wisdom of psychopaths' book. Ever think of compiling/expanding this advice type material into a book ?
This is a really important article because there are two older parts of the brain that tell people to seek safety in placating and belonging. Physiology encourages human beings to project themselves onto others in order to fit in, rather than listen to their instincts. Being in reality, rather than projected fantasy, is the most important task. And this task is seriously eroded at this point in our history.
What are your thoughts on the recent Halloween crowd crush disaster in Itaewon and such situations which aren't due to the malice of particular people, how to recognize the early warning signs? (Not that you are likely to have an interest in that kind of event yourself)
I'm not exactly certain, as I wasn't there, but there are a couple of disasters that occurred at nightclubs, concerts, and dinner clubs that all shared a similar theme.
People were unwilling to recognize the danger. They chose to ignore signs so they could keep enjoying themselves.
When they were aware of the danger, they panicked, and missed opportunities to escape.
Some of these disasters, such as the Iroquois Theater disaster, were doomed from the start due to literally locking people in the theater, and doors that opened in and not out, preventing people from opening them in the crush, but often there are escape routes and warning signs that are ignored to the detriment of the attendants.
Some time ago before I had kids, I lived in a suburban neighborhood. My husband was out of town for work. I went for an evening jog. The streets were well-lit and I stayed on the sidewalk. I jogged to a nearby grocery store and then back home. On my way back, a young man walking alone on the street called out to me to get my attention. I thought maybe he needed help or something, so I took off my headphones and jogged in place to speak with him. He asked me how old I was. I was surprised at the question but I told him that I was thirty years old.
“You look a lot younger,” he said. “I’m 18.”
I didn’t know where he was going with that so I politely nodded and said, “Ok, well, I’m going to get back to my run.”
“Are you single?”
Uh-oh, I thought.
“Nope. Happily married. Bye!”
I resumed my run but he changed course and began walking after me.
I decided to call my husband, but it went to voicemail.
I acted like he had picked up and spoke loudly.
“Hey, I am on my way home. Uh huh. See you soon. Love you. Bye.”
It didn’t seem to do much for me. Every street I crossed, the kid followed. So I put on the speed and sprinted home, then locked all the doors and called my husband again.
He answered this time. I told him about the guy and said I was thinking about calling the police, except he hadn’t actually threatened me.
My husband told me where he kept his handgun and asked me if I could remember how to load it. I was terrified at that point and my hands were shaky and weak. He told me to call the police.
Even though I was scared, I also didn’t want to call the police. I decided to wait and see what happened. I sat in my locked, dark house for about an hour until I was sure that I had lost him and he couldn’t figure out where I had gone.
I no longer go running alone at night, even in well lit areas. It’s true, it’s hard for some reason to overcome the instinct to be polite. It may because of an oft-perpetuated stereotype of the unreasonably paranoid/hysterical woman.
Be paranoid. That kid's feelings mean nothing weighed against your life.
I would also advise - although I’m not advising you are wrong in situation to call 911- is to have your city’s NON-emergency number saved in your phone.
When you have even the SLIGHTEST paranoia that your safety might be endangered, call them.
Make sure to provide an address and request a welfare check or whatever the need is.
Your safety comes first.
I agree, and that is very good advice.
I've had similar experiences going to a laundry mat at night, and having some jerk try to follow me home! Instead of going home I went to a public place. What he was trying to do was disturbing me, and I didn't want him to know where I lived. Things like this have happened even at the Public Library, where one should be able to assume that it would be safe at any time! It is not paranoia if it really happens!! Or, if it is paranoid, too bad. Better safe than sorry.
Agreed, that is the best way to handle it
Excellent article, Athena. An extreme example of this can be seen in Werner Herzog's "Grizzly Man", the true story of Timothy Treadwell, who arrogantly believed that he was safely communing with bears, and took a girlfriend, Amie Huguenard, to join him on a trip that ended in their deaths. I'm not sure how much of this was arrogance, and how much of it was naivity, but it costs lives.
Yes, that one isn't just taking safety for granted, that one is arrogance
I totally agree. This has always made zero sense. Ghastly.
Because they think that they have a special bond with them, and that they understand them. That they are friends, so that animal won't hurt them.
Or, they believe that animals are ornamental, and not dangerous.
I recently heard about a family with young children whose pit bull mauled and killed the children. The parents couldn’t understand how it could happen; he’d been the family pet for years and had never acted violently. Animals are NOT people. And a pit bull is not a suitable companion for young children.
Too many people think that they are perfect pets who "got a bad rap", instead of looking at the facts.
I have gone through dog bite statistics, and pit bulls are the largest percentage of offenders. People get very angry about that, but it doesn't change the numbers.
The fact that apartment complexes that will accept other pets have banned them is telling enough. The facts speak for themselves, and they rightfully refuse that level of liability.
Because theirs is okay, so they believe that all of them are. There are plenty of well behaved pit bulls, but you literally never know.
Not in the stories that I've read. It's just the arrogance of ignorance. Or, thinking that nothing bad will ever happen just because it hasn't yet. It only takes one time...
It's bad enough when highly trained people like Steve Irwin succumb to injuries while messing with dangerous animals in the "entertainment" industry. At least, there was a calculated risk involved, and experience. But the hubris of the Treadwell guy was astonishing, as though he considered himself to be the patron saint of grizzly bears. Sadly, he brought his guillable girlfriend with him.
I recently let my parents have it with both barrels over this very thing. My elderly father thought he’d be funny by making a joke about having “a million lying around “ in a restaurant. I asked if he was planning to spend the last minutes of his life listening to my mother scream as she was raped and tortured to make him reveal the location of the non-existent “millions “
I think I scared them and an unfortunate waitress badly
I agree with this post entirely.
I deal with anxiety so it can be difficult figuring out what is dangerous and what is just me overreacting. My brother at one point told me that I was good at detecting red flags to which I responded,
"Sure but if I have the attitude that I'll never be a victim, then that guarantees that I'll be a victim."
"That sounds paranoid but alright."
Then there's also health anxiety. Over the years I've dealt with seemingly random pains that occur on various parts of my torso. One time I thought I had a gallstone, but an ultrasound revealed that I didn't have one. Same with appendicitis, nothing. Now I usually treat the random pain as normal but always with that persistent threat that maybe it's different this time. I remember during this time staying up all night thinking I'm going to die, only for in the morning being told that I was fine.
Am I an idiot? Am I paranoid? I don't know.
Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness
So I’ll say that I HEAVILY relate to what your saying. I’ve had a torso CT scan due to a worry of mine and it turned out to be nothing. Same with blood work.
Definitely the behavior is worrying a lot, I don’t know if I call it paranoia (although there are different manifestations).
Are you concerned, fundamentally, about how LONG you will survive?
I don't think of it in terms of how long I will survive but more a worry that I'm ignoring something that is fundamentally life threatening. So far I've had on again and off again pain for a few years and nothing serious has happened yet. I still have the habit of worrying about 'wasting medical staff's time' and I only occasionally make a doctor's appointment.
You know yourself best. Do not be afraid to be your own fierce advocate.
My mom has had multiple experiences of doctors pooh-poohing her concerns or writing it off as “stress,” even though her symptoms were not typically brought on by stress. She rarely goes to the doctor anymore because she’s tired of being condescended to and treated like she’s somehow bringing it on herself. She has very healthy habits and her only unhealthy habit is worrying about things she doesn’t have any control over.
Doctors are meant to listen, not dictate. If the doctors that she is seeing can't do so, they should be fired.
I think there’s a difference between being cautious and being paranoid, but unfortunately, many people nowadays seem to interpret any amount of caution as paranoia.
A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself if your caution is excessive to the point that it impedes your ability to function normally. If you can’t leave your house at all or don’t interact with people at all, or refuse to use any form of transportation, or won’t go to any store or bank or so on, then yes, it’s likely paranoia.
You're right, perhaps paranoia wasn't the best descriptor. Low level anxiety maybe? I wouldn't say normal caution since I'll even apply it to people I have known for years. It's not necessarily that I believe that they have malicious intent, but rather that I know that everyone has their own morality and if they believe themselves superior to others, than I'm right to think that they're going to impose said morality onto others, damn any protest.
Being cautious, and being aware that others have their own interests that may run contrary to your own is reasonable.
No, if you can attend to things without causing yourself too much distress and anxiety, then you are just being sensible.
I remember this thread. The thing is, I have always had trouble with social skills my entire life and unfortunately I became good at "detecting red flags" by being burned too many times. While I appreciate everyone in this thread for telling me that I'm not being unreasonable, I also know that I'm too much of a recluse and it's something I need to work on.
Brings to mind the Darwin Awards. At least, when folks do things like this while of reproductive age, they truly are improving the gene pool.
My own illusion of safety was smashed when I was 25. And clearly I did survive a potentially life-threatening encounter. So there's that. Mostly my error was that because I had always lived in relatively safe neighborhoods, it didn't occur to me that perhaps I had just moved into a neighborhood that was not safe. (Of course, "safe neighborhood" is a relative term; some are safer than others; some more dangerous than others; but that's just statistics. Lethal dangers *can* exist everywhere.)
I’m still thinking about the thing you said last week (?) about the door being unlocked when you knew you locked it. I could do something like that.
I watch a lot of true crime and I don’t always know if I’m “just paranoid”.
There is a young woman FB friend, former co-worker. She got a divorce and moved to Vegas. She posted night after night about being at bars and drinking and these guy friends she made in her apartment complex. It’s hard to look at. There are a zillion true crime stories about just that scenario. She found a boyfriend so she hasn’t been going out or posting about going out anyway.
I feel like my mother, cautioning a younger woman about men and bars (so i don’t), but yikes.
It would be nice if more people understood that the world doesn't have their safety as a priority, so they have to do that themselves.
Athena, "The Illusion of Safety" is a perfect continuation/nuance of your recent article "Normalcy Biases Are dangerous". It is not nature and/or others that are potentially dangerous (which they are) but our biases, naivety, arrogance and self-indulgence. By the way, it strikes me a bit that, on the one hand, psychopaths like you (as you yourself have stated on more than one occasion on Quora) have a greater attraction/tolerance/lack of fear towards danger due to certain traits of impulsivity, curiosity, etc. But, on the other hand, you occasionally warn us against the dangers of not being aware of potential threats, red flags, etc. I wonder if you could explain a bit more about this apparent paradox (if it is a paradox at all). Perhaps because of my professional deformation as a film scriptwriter, I would like to recommend 4 great films (among many others) that deal very well with these issues (i.e. the tremendous consequences of being blind to both human and/or natural red flags):
“The Comfort of Strangers” (1990)
Full movie online:
https://youtu.be/AWMJtiz4cN4
“Long Weekend” (1978)
Full movie online:
https://youtu.be/2lNqsXZuEy0
“Return to Paradise” (1998) trailer:
https://youtu.be/_Srb-iEqpqk
“Deliverance” (1972) trailer:
https://youtu.be/Zdt7FZ3jUCs
(if anyone would like to see "Return to Paradise" and "Deliverance", don't hesitate to let me know and I'll see what I can do to get them to you ;-)
Hmm, that seems like a paradox? To me, they aren't related. Perhaps they are.
I will think about this more, but I think it might have to do with an evaluation of loss acceptance. I don't suffer for mistakes aside from in the physical realm, so making them doesn't have much in the cost column in the cost/benefit analysis, but neurotypicals can suffer a great deal from losses because they experience them emotionally.
I will think about this and expand on it.
Another great movie that illustrates the illusion of safety is "Kalifornia", in which a sophisticated New York couple, David Duchovny and Michelle Forbes, hookup with a couple of complete strangers to share the costs of a cross country road trip. The other couple is brilliantly played by Brad Pitt at his sleaziest, with Juliette Lewis, awesome as his childlike dimwitted girlfriend.
Wow!! Sounds so great!! Please tell me Duchovny is the "good guy"!!!??? hehehe. I can't stand the guy- so great if he plays the victim of Brad Pitt!!
And of course, I adore Juliette in her work. She is the ultimate "sexy" girl in End of Days (or similar title).
I'm going to see if I can find this film now: Thanks for the recommend!!
You can see it for free at Amazon, but there were commercials, and that puts the breaks on the rhythm of a horror thriller. I just watched it again yesterday, and read a lot of reviews, which were all over the place, usually a good thing. If you love to hate good guy Duchovny, his character is a pretentious idiot, on top of everything else. If I had been his girlfriend, I would have been spared this huge mess, because I would have demanded to be dropped off at the first airport right after this trip started. Call me a snob - I don't care. But be ready to suspend disbelief, and just have fun watching Pitt and Lewis. They're worth every moment, even though they're both extremely disturbing over-the-top characters. I had to laugh at Pitt a lot. His character says some of the dumbest things that I've ever heard, but with the most incredibly loathsome swagger, lol. I was torn between wanting to rescue pathetic Lewis, and knowing that she would drive me out of my mind within five minutes, if I succeeded. So, oh well. Grab the popcorn!
You are speaking directly to the heart of it and deadly serious. Truth you bring.
"Deliverance"- Quentin Tarantino spoke about this film in an interview just last Friday with Bill Maher, his regular show, first guest. If you get a chance, love to hear your reaction.
Someone else wrote recently (my apologizes if on Athena's sub-stack) that Ned Beatty was brutally raped but... the comment was to the attitude after the attack: It was like he basically laughed it off and more or less accepted it in a sort of "yeah I got boned by these guys and all that, sure".
Thank you for your terrific post!!
I wonder why people assume the world is safe under these extreme circumstances. Is it an emotional protection? The same way we have people too scared of the world we have those who trust too much?
Some people get very offended when advised to be cautious. "What do you mean as a woman I shouldn't walk alone at night? I dress whatever I feel like and if I am attacked it is never the victim's fault"
Well I agree it's not the victim's fault but that's still very dangerous thinking. This won't stop an attack.
I think this is why some people wants to assume the world owes them safety. They confuse being cautious with being scared. They don't want to feel scared, so they act like there are no dangers.
I agree, and it appears to be a type of denial at work coupled with a bizarre sense of entitlement.
Denial yes, but I see no bizarre entitlement. Morally people ARE 'entitled' not to be attacked, but since the world doesn't work that way, it's foolish to act reckless.
It would be fascinating if someone could conduct a survey on the relationship between people’s attitudes about danger relative to their family’s attitudes about danger, their personality type, and other factors, to discover if there is a common factor that would predict what someone’s attitude toward danger might be.
I was raised by an extremely cautious mother. My dad was extremely impulsive and carefree. He was constantly being injured, taken advantage of, and getting himself into situations that required us to bail him out physically, emotionally, or financially. His poor choices impacted me in a lot of ways.
I am not a worry-wart like my mother (she worries about things she has zero control over) but I am definitely a cautious person after watching my dad throw caution to the wind constantly despite the countless times it went badly for him. He’s not stupid; in fact he’s accomplished some brilliant things in his lifetime, including inventing several products that are on the market today. So it’s not an intelligence issue necessarily.
I would guess that the cost/benefit analysis that he has is one that he alone understands
Good point. So often when someone’s behavior baffles us, we jump to the conclusion that they’re not as intelligent (or maybe that’s just me 🫣) but you’re so right. It’s more likely a difference in values. What we prioritize as most valuable and which things we’re willing to let go of or sacrifice will ultimately determine how we make our decisions. Thanks for the lightbulb moment, Athena! Your wisdom continues to astound me.
Happy to help
My first boyfriend had a genius I.Q., but he was ADHD. I shutter at the crazy, dangerous things that I did with him. I broke up with him mainly from exhaustion, lol. He was a great guy, a lot of fun, intellectually fascinating, but the things that he found to be fun were too dangerous for me. Our group of friends followed whatever he wanted to do, and two of them were nearly killed in the process (long story). So, lack of caution can be high testosterone, or like my ex, ADHD. Or, a type of psychopathy. Intelligence wouldn't affect those types of fearlessness.
Very true. I often caution people about following my whims as it may not turn out well for them. It may not turn out well for me either, but that's my problem.
Ty, Athena. As always, you never fail to bring informative articles.
Thank you for reading, Luiz
Athena,
Thank you for taking the time to remind us about our safety.
Much appreciated.
Another thing that comes to mind from reading this excellent article involves who you trust your children with. I've heard too many stories of "trusted family friends" molesting children. This could be seriously paranoid, but I wouldn't feel comfortable with any friend who wanted to spend an unusual amount of their free time caring for my children. That makes no sense to me. I don't have small children, but I like them quite a lot. Still, I don't care to spend time with anyone else's kids unless it's for some good reason. It certainly wouldn't be an activity that I'd continually offer to do. Maybe I'm selfish, or maybe the kind of person who always wants to be with someone else's kids is suspect. This is controversial, but Michael Jackson comes to mind. I have no idea whether or not he had any untoward activity with children, but I would have had serious concerns if he insisted on sharing a bed with one of mine. I would never have allowed my kids to sleep in the same bed with him, or any other adult male. I wouldn't care how many financial incentives were provided, or how innocent he seemed to be. Maybe M. Jackson was asexual and I'd have been overprotective, but that's better than taking a chance on a child's safety.
I absolutely agree. Parents should be more tuned in and cautious with both people they know, and those they do not.
It's amazing how many parents will advertise for child-care, and they want to pay a stranger something like $100.00 a week to watch their kids full time. If someone is willing to take that deal, you definitely do not want to grant them access to your children.
this was a spot on read and very applicable. i've been...(i'll say i've been a hypervigilante! infinitely cooler), and have also had massive difficulty taking everything very literally, including taking people at face-value/thinking everyone is honest like me (not that i haven't lied, but i'm usually honest. my brain has the lens: have information, can't betray it). it's gotten me into trouble. thankfully, i've been able to realize this recently + work on setting up better safeguards for myself.
i've never seen the world as safe and have never approached any part of it as such (though ive been blindsided by other factors); it's always been quite unsafe to me, but i've seen my family view the world as you've described here; laughing when i say something feels off (then it was), rolling their eyes at covid (guess who got covid x2 - not me), etc. i hate that people have this mindset and i don't think it has to be paralyzing to be wise and prepared. i don't understand this. it's foolish.
i do wish i could sneakily add some of my danger-blind family members to the subscription list for this and the last one! well done!
Well that would be a surprise for them
A story:
Long ago when I was still young, short, slender and cute I was coming back from martial arts training fairly late. I stop at a convenience store to fill the tank of my 1972 AMC Gremlin and I see a commotion inside the store.
I go in after filling my tank and see that a deer has run inside and is basically trapped because waxed linoleum gives no purchase to hooves. It attempted to climb into booths by the window to jump out but fell back and landed near the counter.
I yelled at the woman behind the counter to throw her jacket over the deer's head before it can get away. She did while it was getting up and almost missed.
I tackled the deer, bulldogged it and kicked its front feet out from under it and lay on its head. I shouted for someone to grab its hind legs and help me. BTW the deer outweighed me and deer are really strong
I had it pinned and waited. Cops arrived in full SWAT gear, stare and say on their radios, "Yeah it really is a deer"
They zip tied its feet and animal control came to get it. I don't know what happened to it afterward
I gave the woman her jacket back but I don't recall if I paid for my gas.
At no point did I feel anything like fear. I think my pulse rate may have decreased in fact.
Everyone else in the store was terrified but a skinny, short, 18 year old walked in and took control of what was developing into a very bad situation and they all did exactly what I told them to do
Solve the problem has been my entire existence, so this makes perfect sense to me
You are full of good, common sense advice (which seems to escape most people nowadays) your material which is of a 'self help' inclination is very valuable and interesting. It's much more interesting than the material in Dutton/Mcnab's book 'the good psychopaths guide to bossing your life' which I just read and thought was very lacking/boring. Although I'm a big fan of Dutton in general and 'The wisdom of psychopaths' book. Ever think of compiling/expanding this advice type material into a book ?
Perhaps at some point
,,,with bookwork exercises!!...
This is a really important article because there are two older parts of the brain that tell people to seek safety in placating and belonging. Physiology encourages human beings to project themselves onto others in order to fit in, rather than listen to their instincts. Being in reality, rather than projected fantasy, is the most important task. And this task is seriously eroded at this point in our history.
You have an excellent point here, and it will come up again when I discuss how the human tribe has changed and expanded.
What are your thoughts on the recent Halloween crowd crush disaster in Itaewon and such situations which aren't due to the malice of particular people, how to recognize the early warning signs? (Not that you are likely to have an interest in that kind of event yourself)
I'm not exactly certain, as I wasn't there, but there are a couple of disasters that occurred at nightclubs, concerts, and dinner clubs that all shared a similar theme.
People were unwilling to recognize the danger. They chose to ignore signs so they could keep enjoying themselves.
When they were aware of the danger, they panicked, and missed opportunities to escape.
Some of these disasters, such as the Iroquois Theater disaster, were doomed from the start due to literally locking people in the theater, and doors that opened in and not out, preventing people from opening them in the crush, but often there are escape routes and warning signs that are ignored to the detriment of the attendants.